To Answer Your Questions August 17, 2009

We had hoped that we would be able to “slip softly into the night” so to speak, but we have been flooded with well wishes and questions.

As mush as we would love to answer all of the emails individually we felt it best use this method in hopes it would answer all the questions and stave off any future emails.

• Yes the quad has dissolved. It no longer has the form of two cross coupled marriages
• Yes Big is seeking open
• No, it isn’t what Fix, Goddess and Temptress want
• Yes Fix, Goddess and Temptress are still “together”. Although not as one would think. Goddess needs love and support from us right now. So Fix and I feel it best for her if we step back and support her as she needs and not as we would wish it to be.
• No we aren’t tearing the family apart. We realize how detrimental it would be for the children to be split up. This information comes diretly from the family therapist. We will continue to live togehter and raise our chidlren together. In the end it is always about the children and what is best for them. The wishes of the adults need toi take a back seat.
• No, we won’t be writing in the near future. While we would love to continue our writing at some point, neither Goddess nor myself, who have been the primary authors of our blogs, have the emotional energy to continue our writing.  Also, both of us are now pursuing full time employment to offset the newest financial needs. And all of our available time and energy needs to be focused on our children and home.
• No, Fix, Goddess and Temptress won’t be attending any of the local meet-ups. Even though we enjoyed them immensely and we cherish the friendships we have made, it is to difficult to attend when our focus of the meetings is so very different than that of Big. And it would be wrong of us to place our friends in the middle of our domestic disagreement.

Thank you all again for all of the warm wishes and virtual hugs we do so appreciate them.

Once again, we bid you good-bye… until we meet again.

OPL

We bid you farewell August 8, 2009

 

Dear Friends and Readers,

So much has happened in Our Poly Life the last three and a half years.  Inevitably, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” has come to be truth more so than we ever predicted.

Originally began as a place where we could share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences as we tread the poly waters we wanted the OPL site to expose all of what poly had to offer, both good and the not so good. 

When our life was amazingly positive, posting came easy and there was so much to share.  But as times became more difficult we realized how honesty, especially when tainted by perspective, can complicate the already messy facts of life.

It is with a heavy heart that we have chosen to step away from the blog. So many changes over the last 2 years have finally taken it’s toll. We just don’t have the heart to post as we once did, and rather than allow our blog to languish in our lack of use we are goign to step back, regroup and find the peace and joy in life that we seem to have lost.

We plan to leave the blog up for posterity, so please feel free to wade thru the archives and the good times.

Thank you all for your readership and your loyalty.

Temptress and Goddess

What a way to start your life together! July 28, 2009

This link was forwarded by a friend…We don’t know these obviously fun loving people but  just had to share this amazing show of joy.
The embedding has been disabled, so here is the link… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

HNT 23 July 2009 July 23, 2009

Haven’t indulged this in a while so we thought we’d drop something fun to dilute the recent drama…

To Close To Home July 9, 2009

Our boys and Big are very active in Boy Scouts. A year ago when we needed a temporay house for 15 months it was thru a scouting family that a rental was found.

This family has 4 boys from 6 to 19 and a little girl who just over 4. All of the boys are well known in the scouting troops and the family is very active overall. Sunday, the dad and one of the middle sons joined two of our boys and the rest of the troop at Scout camp for what was to have been a 5 day adventure.

Given our two connections to this family their recent tradgedy has hit very close to home for us.  Tuesday night , rather late, the oldest boy was found hanging in his closet by his mother. News of his death spread rapidly and the father and son away at camp left in the wee early morning hours to make a long and I’m certain difficult drive home.

As a parent my heart goes out to this family as a mother I am identifying greatly with his mother. It is unimaginable and one of the worst kinds of grief to lose a child. My mind conjurs all of these images of a mother of bringing this life into the world and being alone without your spouse by your side to find this child you gave life too, lifeless and departed from this world. I admit to being almost fixated by this tragedy because of the age of the boy, and the proximity his family had to ours.

Somewhere in the equation of sympathy and empathy I find anger. While his family is in my thoughts and those thoughts are filled with compassion my mind eventually turns to this young man and I find anger.

What in this life could be so horrible that death was the only way out. And putting all of those reasons aside, his father was away, did he give no thought to who would find him. That it would be his mother and that the site of him in death would be etched forever in her mind, that she and those around him would forever wonder and question what they missed, what could they have done or not done to save him. Did it ever cross his mind that rather than his mother it could have been one of his brothers or his sister, barely out of toddlerhood who could have found him.  Or worse still, was it not his pain he was trying to escape, but rather create pain for those who loved him. Was it an act of rebellion or anger that caused him to take this step ?

Those who choose suicide to end their “suffering”, have absolutly no clue to the suffering they will be leaving behind. This boy has left a family shattered, and this family will spend the rest of their lives trying to make sense of everything, trying to put the pieces back to together and hoping for life to be normal again. But it never will be.

Suicide is taking the easy way out, you may leave all of your pain behind, but you leave it for everyone else to deal with. This young man’s death has reached far beyond his immediate family  and the ripples and shockwaves will travel further what one could imagine. I have never personally met this young man, only seen him from afar, and his face now haunts me as my mind replays the agony his mother must have went thru and imagining the difficulty of getting thru these next few days of funeral preperation, viewings and laying him to rest.

Our boys and their troop will be returing home a day early in order to have the opportunity to pay their respects. They are  going to be taking part in something I wish for no young person and that is to say a final goodbye to a life ended to soon. 

I urge you our readers, please take time to be aware of your young ones. Talk to them. Let them know it is safe to talk to you. There are times when kids need us to be parents, and others when they just need us to be shoulders and ears. And let them know that if they can not talk to you, you will help them find someone that can talk to. And if that is an avenue your child takes, don’t be offended. Be grateful , because that person may be the one to save your child’s life.

Temptress

win\lost July 8, 2009

In this life. You eather win or lose. The question is how you play your life. As long as your fair and honest about all that you do then that’s the best you can do. The end is not importent its how you get there. And this family has been strong and will do what it takes to get thru. As long as everyone plays nice and fair. We are only weak if one wants to take what they want and not care about the others. This is not how to play life. Its time to play it right and look out for the others that are involved in this life that we effect.

My Win/Win July 4, 2009

Much has been said these past months concerning a win/win situation. To clarify, an agreement whereby ALL FOUR of us each give something, and each receive something in this relationship and in so doing everyone is fulfilled with the majority of their needs met.
So here is MY win/win… it is not ideal but I think it is fair to all parties.
• Cohabitation amongst the two families continues with both dyads maintaining separate sleeping quarters. With as much equality between them as possible.
• Both original Dyads remain intact
• No hierarchies. No one “pulls” anyone. If someone needs time or is feeling lost or adrift, they may request private time to re-connect as their partner has time. In return, the requested partner should be mindful of the request and try within the boundaries of home and kids to accommodate the request. Hierarchies ONLY come into play with specific issues such as final decisions with Bio children issues, legal and financial issues and extended family issues.
• All parties understand that they alone CAN NOT fully meet the needs of another member, and in so doing respect that within our situation there are others who may have the ability meet some of the “un-mets” and be mindful that nothing is being “taken” from them in so doing, in fact they will reap the rewards of a more fulfilled and happy partner.
• Goddess, IF SHE SO CHOOSES , has the ability to spend 3 out of each 7 calendar nights with Fix and Temptress. She will TRY to be mindful of Big’s schedule so as to schedule theses nights while he is away. But in the event his schedule does not allow for this, he will be understanding and not do anything to stand in the way of this time.
• If Fix has a out of town repair for an overnight, Goddess has the ability to travel that night away with him for their dyad time. If that overnight is not such that she can travel, then she also has the choice to spend that night alone with Temptress. Since the nature of Fix’s job can cause these nights to be last minute and unexpected, ALL parties will be understanding of this and will do what they can to accommodate the situation.
• If one of the above nights happens in such a way that it is more than 3 nights in a calendar week, if Big requests, the following week can be shortened if need be because of the last minute nature. The exception to this is if a trip such as scout camp or extended work trip takes Big away from home for an extended period, those missed days are not made up in the week following. But scheduling will allow for Goddess to spend the first two nights of his return with him.
• Special accommodations should always be made for anniversaries, birthdays and the like.
• Trips: Each dyad has the ability to take at least 1 trip per year of at least 3 days. Each original couple should also strive for a longer more extended vacation. The functioning triad should also be granted at least 1 trip per year of at least 3 days.
• Big and Fix will continue to contribute to the household financial needs as they have discussed and agreed to with their spouse.
• Understanding that the women have full time jobs in the care of the home and children and all of the duties that entails, they will continue to seek ways to contribute to the family’s financial needs as their time allows. Once all children reach middle school age, this will be re-negotiated.
• Other relationships: Fix, Goddess and Temptress wish to remain in a closed and fluid bonded triad. In being mindful of the needs of Big and Big being mindful of the health and well being of all parties it is understood that…… Big may date as he sees fit, paying special attention to family commitments as the first priority. Big may have 1 or 2 SO’s with whom he is intimate with. The particulars of these intimacies are to be decided upon by Goddess and Big as Fix and Temptress are wholly confident she will keep the safety of the closed triad in the forefront of her stipulations.

Dealing with emotion July 4, 2009

I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

Quote July 2, 2009

I found this on our EMO daughters website today.
Pretty profound I thought……

“life offers us many choices. But the option to be strong is only given, when being strong is the only choice you have left.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Temptress

No more terms June 29, 2009

I can’t count the number of time one or more members of our poly household have blogged about hierarchies, fairness, equality, or primary status. In fact I am beginning to see these terms as words I would like to strike from the dictionary.

There was a time when it could be argued that I disliked or misunderstood these terms because I was full, I had what I needed, therefore could not see the point of view from the “quad” member feeling the need of one of these terms.

Now I can say having been on both sides, and sitting now on the side of inequality I still wish these words no longer existed.

For 16 months while Fix lived away from home I spent almost every single night sleeping in the same bed as Goddess and Big. She slept in the middle between us wrapped around me. When Big ended our relationship I felt being in their bed with them was no longer the place for me so I moved back to my room, which in the end was exactly where I needed to be as Fix returned home within  a matter of weeks.

Suddenly I went from being held nightly by the woman I love to finding stolen moments and hoping and praying for any time Big would allow us.

You see Big refuses to sleep alone. So unless he is away on business, Goddess is with him. He demands Primary status, he demands she act in a hierarchical fashion, he demands the lions share of her time or attention. Recently they have had some rather serious problems in their marriage, mostly because of the above listed demands. He feels entitled to these things and feels he isn’t getting them.

If he wasn’t getting the “preferential” treatment he wanted then please tell me why it is he has had her sleeping next to him for the last 11 nights and I haven’t. Why it is he is leaving for 48 hours and upon his return she will again be expected to be by his side each night until he leaves again. It could be 6 days or 6 weeks.. it matters little. She is to be by his side when he is in residence.

Do not misunderstand. It is not sex I am looking for. It is the opportunity to have her eyes and beautiful smile be the last thing I see as I close my eyes, to feel her arms around me as I drift into slumber. It is rolling over at 3 a.m and feeling her warmth next to me. It is opening my eyes as dawn peeks thru the windows to see her sweet face relaxed in sleep.

I suppose I should be grateful that we are still living under the same roof. But I ask myself daily how i can move through our home with her in our daily duties as mothers and homemakers and still miss her terribly. My eyes search her out. I ache to run my hands through her hair, to smell her skin, to hold her to touch her.  She is with me and yet I feel completly alone.

Big would NEVER stand for almost two weeks away from her and yet he expects Fix and I to. He thinks because he is her legal husband and we are “just lovers”, he has the rights to her time and we have what he allows.

I admit to being hurt by his actions towards me. But I am finally  in a place where I can see past that. In fact I think he did me a favor by cutting me loose. But what hurts more is how he demeans what Goddess and I have and what Fix and Goddess have by placing us on “standy-by” status. We are supposed to wait in the wings until he is away, and only then can we have any place with her.

And within all of this turmoil is Goddess herself. Smack in the middle. Trying to balance us all. As much as Big’s actions hurt Fix and I, as much as he is “taking” from us, he has NO idea how he is hurting her and what he has taken from her. Why can’t he see that the more he gives, the more he will get back.

I wish so much we could all just live and love in harmony.

Temptress

The heart asks… June 24, 2009

The heart asks pleasure first
And then, excuse from pain-
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.

Emily Dickinson

Closet Tales June 8, 2009

This past week, Fix headed into the closet.  Not the metaphorical closet, but a room in our new terrace level that was slated to become a walk in closet for Big and myself.  During Fix’s week of vacation from work, I think he actually worked harder than normal.  Perhaps this week back will be somewhat of a break for him; different stressors, but more of a predictable routine.

 

Due to some interesting scheduling with our other children, Fix and Casanova (now 9) were the only vestiges of testosterone remaining in the home.  So, the two of them headed downstairs to begin the three day project of demolition, design, and rebuilding a space for clothing and storage.  The male bonding time seemed to be highly beneficial for both of them (and my clothing.)

 

Casanova got to play apprentice and spent most of the time selecting nails and screws from the slosh bucket, handing off tools, carrying supplies, and running the stairs to give the mommies periodic updates.  But there were other times he was hammering, drilling, measuring and marking.  He learned some important safety techniques and the thrill of handing power tools.  At the end of their hard days, they shared a round of Monster golf and a (root) beer. And above all else, they collective, but powerful father/son mentoring time; it was the thing memories are made of – for them as well as the proud Mommies that watched from a distance.

 

As I reflected on the two of those guys, I realized how much they learn from each other.  I was reminded once again just how much love can be transferred through the actions of others.  And I recalled something I wrote several years ago and never posted…

 

~ the laundry goddess, June 8, 2009

 

 

 

His Hands

 

His hands are thick and solid

Rough and calloused to the core

Leathery tools of steel are they

Displaying of years of toil

 

Those hands go off to work each day

For our family they provide

With his loving care I see

His hands are filled with pride

 

Our hands are very useful

They do so many things

But his hands hold a special touch

They give my soul their wings

 

The times those hands may touch me

Leave image on my skin

For when he is no longer here

I can still feel where they’ve been

 

His touch is warm and tender

His touch soft and like a dove

His touch is filled with passion

His touch speaks words of love

 

I crave his very essence

I’m addicted to his touch

I long to have him understand

I love him oh so much

 

I see the time is coming

When those hands may loose their power

Then I can give my strength to him

Imparting true love’s finest hour

 

goddess, 12-01-06

In with the new out with the past. June 6, 2009

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

From House to Home May 19, 2009

 

In the continuing saga of finding a permanent residence for our family, we’ve come to a place where we might have some sense of stability for a time as yet to be determined.

 

In late April, Temptress and I got ourselves busy on the job of finding the “next” house.  Although we could have remained in our current placement for some unknown period of time, it wasn’t an option we wanted to exercise.  As I’ve said before, this place was a last ditch effort and we took it because we had exhausted so many other options in housing and were up against a timeline challenge.  As a result, we are scrunched (yes, that is a technical term) beyond belief in a dwelling that is financially stretching each month; in other words, too little space and too high a price.  Neither is good and together the combination is strangulating.

 

Knowing our lease was coming to term, the Mommies set to task.  By chance we went to look at a place we’d seen before and had previously deemed too small, but with the idea of seeing with “fresh eyes” and knowing the dynamics of our family shifts our needs from time to time, we thought we’d give it another go.  It, as expected, was not the place for us.  However, fate intervened on our behalf and as we entered that subdivision, we noticed another sign.  We took the number and called about what has turned out to be nothing but a near perfect fit on many levels. 

 

There must have been some cosmic level alignment, because all the factors fell into place and within a week’s time, we had secured a family friendly place to call home.  Since then we’ve spent weekends over there working in the yard, stripping wallpaper, painting rooms, refinishing furniture, and cleaning remnants of tenants past.

 

As it turns out, we have a 2 month overlap between leases, so we are enjoying a leisurely move, taking just want we want from day to day to complete the rooms and reorganizing belongings to suit each new room holder.  We’ve established a presence in the new place, even though we aren’t sleeping there yet.  Each room has something in it, a piece of furniture, a box of toys, some clothes in the closet, or a sign on the door.  The house is taking on our “family scent” (as we’ve been told) and when I walk in the door, I feel at home – peaceful and content – that this is a place we can live for a long time and be happy there.  We found a house; but we’re creating a home.

 

~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2009

The Door May 3, 2009

The door is closed
I know she is on the other side,
tears streaming down her cheeks,
hurtful words ringing in her ears, demands placed upon her.
I want to rip the door apart,
take her in my arms,
and shelter her from the pain.

But I can not.
I must sit and let the two deal with their troubles.
I wish so much for it all to be diffierent.
For everyone to be at peace with the others.
For each to travel the path that brings them happiness
and compersion to all.

Why when we are hurt do we strive to hurt those we love?
Why when a different path is chosen do we demand others must follow?

I sit now, watching the clock.
The minutes tick by, the door remains closed,
my mind conjours her face contorted in pain.

I hurt for her.
I love her.

The Story of My Life April 14, 2009

When the story of my life is told, “frequently overwhelmed” is not really a phrase I want remembered.  Nevertheless, it seems to be a state in which I often find myself.

 

There was once a time when I was far busier, my day filled with activities at school, with the children, and at home.  From the time I woke up until the time I went to bed, I was doing – things for others, things for the kids, things for our church or community.

 

For years, I was the person who arrived at work early with treats for my co-workers, was always prepared for class with full lesson plans, and still worked  hours at home serving my family with clean laundry and wholesome meals.  My kitchen stayed clean, the bathrooms immaculate, and I even had time to connect with friends through the computer.  Bills were paid on time, the kid’s activity fees were covered, and we always had groceries in the house that reflected my carefully planned menus.  We went places and did fun things together.

 

Of late, it feels everything in my life now is behind the eight ball.  My house is a disaster all the time, clutter is everywhere, and I feel like a family of sardines live in this house that barely fits us and costs way too much for what we’re getting.  We have a stack of bills and daily reminder phone calls to juggle.  My daily routine starts before day break and many days I spend hours in the seat of the family vehicle playing Taxi Driver to those who cannot drive for themselves.

 

Now I feel like I get nothing accomplished from day to day.  I wake up tired and I go to bed tired while I lay there wondering where the day went and if I’ll be able to look up at any point in my life and be able to offer a list of accomplishments that extend beyond my manic Mondays, frantic Fridays, or wacky weekends.

 

I spend many days battling my urge to dream of a life more independent; where I am in control of the risks affecting me, and where I can make wise and informed choices before its too late.  I wonder what happened to my energy and my motivation.  I wonder what happened to me.  Few days go by without tears, and most days end with them.  My favorite activity now is lying quietly snuggled against Temptress, hoping sleep will deliver me to a place of peace and serenity before being pulled into another dutiful arena.

 

We have a new business that we are trying to get up and running.  We are coming to the end of our lease term and should be moving – again – to find something more permanent and stable for our family.  We are nearing the summer months, where the fundamental nature of my existence for nearly three months is spent in an endless pattern between the stove, refrigerator, and sink playing Chief Cook and Bottle Washer to nine children who waiver between boredom and summer hyperactivity. (Would this be a good time to interject my thoughts on year round schooling again?   Nah, I’ll let this one pass…)

 

There was a time in my life when I would have been advised (and would have probably followed through) to “let go and let God.”  But years later a frustrated me still found discontentment in the journey and realized the problem with laying one’s woes (or the responsibility thereof) at the feet of another.

 

It would be nice to wake up one morning to find we’d won the lottery, to stumble upon some valuable thing in the attic, or to receive an unexpected IRS rebate in the mailbox.  What I want is for fate to give us a break, for someone to believe in us, to have someone to step in as a benevolent benefactor and give us a step up; just one tiny nudge in the right direction.  Those who say money can’t buy happiness are not giving enough credence to the fact that lack of money can certainly create deficit of contented choices.

 

What I think I need to do is to get a grip on reality; to take charge and make some decisions that pull me out of whatever funk I’m wearing and get me back into performance mode.  Or maybe, that is the cloak I’m desperately trying to take off.  I wonder if what I think I should be doing is just ingrained obligation bubbling to the top of an otherwise restructured life.

 

Maybe it is accurate that those who do not truly experience a childhood and adolescence are doomed to seek it later in life; to long for days of freedom and frivolity that were not a part of the growing up years.  The parentified child in me grows uncomfortable with the shackles of the adult life I pursued for so long.  I think I falsely believed that when I chose maturity for myself, I would hold the control for my own life and the power others held against me would suddenly be null.

 

But what I have found is how much life becomes increasingly more restrictive as we age.  The older I get, the fewer amenable choices remain.  The less I can think of myself and the more I am forced into decisions that echo the wishes of others.  I begin to sink back into the hollows of the endless mind and wonder who the actual author of my life story will become as the pages continue to turn. 

 

~ the laundry goddess, April 14, 2009

The Nest Refilled April 12, 2009

I am happy to say that for Easter, all our chickies are back on the same continent.  Miss Academic had a fabulous time in Greece (now that she’s home I can tell you where she went) and has done nothing but bubble about her experiences.  I know the exploration bug has bitten.  I expect this to be the first of many travels for her.  Each time I will feel those Mommy twinges as she drives away or steps onto an airplane.  But I’m thrilled for her and know those once-in-a-lifetime experiences only present themselves in limited number.  If we are the sum of our experiences, may each of us seize those chances to make something truly amazing inside oursleves.

When April 5, 2009

During the entire time Fix was away from home I cried many tears and felt pain and heartache during our difficult times and separation. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew he still loved me and I felt that we would find a way to work it out.
And we did.
Now the pain I feel is unyielding. I feel bereft, cast aside, used, and unwanted. I live in the same house with Big and yet I can not look him in the eye…I avoid it all costs. The pain I feel when my eyes mistakenly lock with his is like no other. I hurt in ways I didn’t think possible and I question daily how I can be so hurt and so angry and yet feel so utterly desolate and crumple into a sobbing heap when I am near him. A mistaken touch when we pass each other in the kitchen or exchange an object is my undoing. I gather my reserves each time I am near him, willing myself to bestrong, sometimes I succeed, others I fail… miserably.
I have two people who do love me and who do want me to be in their lives and accept the love I have to offer them. Why then is this so hard, why can I not just move forward and let him go?
When will the pain stop? When will I make it through a day without tears, without feeling ripped apart?

Temptress

Leaving the nest April 3, 2009

This morning one of our chicks is taking a huge leap from home and away from the protective shelter of our nest.
Miss Academic is jetting away on a school trip for the next 9 days to Greece.
We are all pleased and excited for her to be able to have this wonderful opportunity, but we would not be mothers if there were not trepidation over this journey.
One of our younglings is traveling half a world away, far from our reach… she goes with our love and our blessings.
We hope each of you will take a moment over the next 9 days to send her a bit of heartfelt good energy to help us keep her safe.

Have a wonderful time darling ! We love you….

The Mommies

Turning the Tables April 1, 2009

There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress