This weekend was very odd and stressful for numerous reasons. Goddess and Fix left here just before dinner Friday for a weekend in the big city. Big and I were left to man the house and the kids. This weekend away had been planned for over a month and I was excited for Goddess and Fix to have some time away together, but more than anything for Goddess to have a break from home and hearth and the many stresses she has had weighing on her of late. I was however dreading this weekend for various other reasons. I knew I was going to miss her terribly, I don’t function well away from her because she is so very much a part of me. But more than that I was nervous about how the weekend would unfold.
Once upon a time, a weekend away for Fix and Goddess, meant a weekend for Big and I. I used to look forward to these times when it was just he and I. I will hold in my heart the time when it was the three of us, but as most of you can understand, dyad time is always special. But there would be none of that now. Big and I move thru our days in uncomfortable politeness and silence now. And this weekend was no different. We each holed up in our rooms away from the other, taking turns in dealing with the kids, cooking meals, and the clean up. As evening fell the kids were tucked in, the olders had movies, computers and videos to occupy their time and Big and I retreated behind closed doors to watch separate movies.
I started mine after a shower and about 15 minutes after Big started his. As I sat there setting up the movie ( subtitles are a prerequisite for Big and movie viewing) I realized there was need for the subtitles, I was alone. And then a thought occurred to me, I should go and ask him to join me. He obviously was interested in the movie I had, we could view it together and not spend a second evening alone where we stayed up until the wee hours trying the shorten the time we lay in our beds alone in the dark each missing our loved one(s). I threw back the blankets and swung my feet over the edge and as I was standing up a thought occurred to me…… Could I sit there in that room, with him next to me on the bed for 2 hours and not cry, not remember, not hurt, not wish it were any way but how it is ? The answer to those questions…. No. Not yet. I’m still to raw I still miss him to much, I still hurt when I see him. I still shed too many tears over him.
So I climbed back into bed and watched my movie alone. Towards the end Goddess and Fix called to wish me goodnight and tuck me in. I know my voice warbled , and was not near as convincingly calm as I tried to make it be. They knew I was lonely, and missing them…. Her. They both offered to cut their weekend short and come home that very minute. No…. they were where they needed to be. In time I would heal and their trips away would be easier…. They were where was best.
Sometime close to 1, there was a tap on my door… Big popped his head in to return a movie. My heart stopped and then seized at the sight of him at my door looking as lonely and bereft as I felt. This weekend wasn’t easy on either of us. He handed me the movie case, and left with a goodnight and I sat behind the freshly closed door praying he couldn’t hear my tearful sniffs.
I continued to watch my movie to it’s conclusion. And then opened my door to hear the kids in case I was needed during the night. I sat with my book, reading off and on for awhile, listening to Big try to sleep. He would snore for awhile and then stop I would hear the rustle of bed and blankets. Shortly after two I thought of Goddess and Fix sleeping soundly and my mind began to drift to other weekends. To other nights when I drifted off to sleep thinking of them and smiling, knowing they were together and I was wrapped in Big’s arms with him and all was right with my world. But my world isn’t right. I was alone and so was he.
If I am to be brutally honest here I will say that the war with myself that I fought for the next hour was the worst I think I have experienced to date. It was without a doubt everything I could do in my power to keep myself in that bed. I wanted so badly to slip in next to him. To not be alone, to be with him, to be near him again. I was afraid if I did it would be taken wrong and something would happen that we both would regret, or nothing would happen and that would be my regret or worse yet.. my need to just be there and be close would be rejected.
I have told him recently that his actions of late have made me feel like a prostitute. In fact I now feel little better than a friend with benefits. I am lower than his friend-girls,at least he cares about them. I was convenient, I was their to fill a need with no emotional bonds.
But that is neither here nor there. The break between us has been difficult for him because he is done me and yet has to endure my continued presence. I on the other hand now must endure living with the man I love as a roommate, and knowing my presence is merely tolerated.
All of that aside, I so desperately wanted to go to him last night. I needed to feel his arms around me, to take comfort from him and feel him there. But that was a poor choice for us both, so in my place I remained and spent the remainder of my night desperately missing 3 of the people I love most in this world.
They say time heals all wounds. I hope this is true.
~Temptress
