There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress
Turning the Tables April 1, 2009
Happy President's Day February 16, 2009
The four year old has been relentlessly reminding us that today was President’s Day. She knows this because it is the day after breakfast dinner and the kids are not at school. (It is typical preschool logic. Breakfast dinner = Sunday; the next day = school.) Thusly, if the kids are home on a school day, something big is up. The something big is actually report cards (teacher workday) but the county uses President’s Day as the excuse to let the kids stay home.
About the 90th time she came to inform us, “Today is President’s Day!!!” Temptress snapped back, “I know… and they’re all dead.”
To which our precious lobbyist retorted, “Barack Obama isn’t dead!”
So, does that say something about our home and the attention this election received? Our four year old thinks she is on a first name basis with the president.
Maybe it is just a powerful representation of the hope we all have for our nation. Maybe some of that hope will rub off on other aspects of our life that could use some new hope. Time for Change… it’s a powerful idea.
Tape August 19, 2008
In today’s society people today seem to look for a quick easy solution to life’s larger problems. It’s like everyone thinks slapping on some tape on a struggling relationship will solve everything. Personal relationships aren’t that simple.
Relationships in all forms, whether they be business or personal, need to be fostered from the beginning with great care. You can’t just stop after offering services to a client in a particular way, throw up your hands and say “I QUIT!”. Then a year later start offering the same wonderful customer service as you did in the beginning. Expecting your client to welcome it unconditionally.
Individuals have expectations of each other. If you build a relationship with the expectation that you will be a constant variable or convince them you can offer assistance, they will expect it. They will request it. Of course expectations also lead to a level of stress on your part, but you can’t just quit without recourse. Parties who don’t deliver on expectations loose respect and belief from other half.
Change is an inevitable part of relationships. Couples with successful marriages of 60 years will tell you stories of turbulence and change. Companies such as Apple and Kellogg’s can tell you incredible stories of major strategy and innovative change. Do not be naive to think any successful partnerships had a blast guiding the other halves through change. People will resist change. Gentle, consistent guidance and support in the direction of change will guide the resistant through it. Not easy, but consistency is the key.
Consistency.
Honesty.
Integrity.
Sincerity.
Relationships broken, both business and personal, cannot be fixed with a quick solution. Some relationships must weather the change. People need to come to terms with the reality that relationships on the brink of breaking cannot be repaired in a last ditch effort. Not a hastily applied piece of tape nor a day of insincere actions will wash away how the relationship was fostered during the early days or the rough waves.
Time and care will be what is required. If one is diligent and sincere and truly desirous of reparations, then in time, that which is wanted so dearly will be achieved.
Temptress
