There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress
Turning the Tables April 1, 2009
Polyamory, Polyamorous, Poly Fidelitous, or Just Plain Poly June 18, 2008
I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.
Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.
A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.
Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.
And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.
Just a thought or two to ponder.
Temptress
Dad's and their kids…. and summertime plans May 26, 2008
Hi Ho Readers !
We have an adventure underfoot ! Or two even.
Fix and LM 13 decided late Saturday night to make an impromptu trip to MI to visit family, fish, ride horses and generally relax. They are going to have a great time !! They left here with a loaded van Sunday morning, making good time and arriving at their destination mid-evening Sunday.
A quick phone call this morning clued us in to some fishing and horsing adventure for the day… ahhhh Here’s to a relaxing trip. We’ll keep ya’ll updated in their fun.
Mr. Big and our boys aged 15 and 13 have set out on an adventure. Yesterday morning Goddess and I drove them to their start point for what will be a 165 mile hike through the North Carolina/Georgia portion of the Appalachian Trail. They got in a few hours of hiking yesterday… close to 6 miles.. very good given the lateness of the hour of our arrival at the start point.
They got cell phone service this morning and called to let us know they had a great night near the river and a centipede escapade in their shoes this morning. It was straight uphill the first few hours and they crested their first summit around 9 a.m. after 2+ hours on the trail. Big’s phone has a camera and email so he will be sending pics and updates which we will post here as often as we can.
Goddess and I took a few pics yesterday which I will post right here on this blog entry… so check back in a day.. two at most.
Goddess and I are home with LM 15, 8,6,3 and YM’s 10 & 8. until LM 13 arrives home next Sunday. It is odd to have such few children…. but sort of nice because given their ages we can make fun and easy meals which gives Goddess and I a bit of a break in the kitchen.
We have plans to un-pack the last few boxes remaining from the move, organize the garage and it’s contents (seasonal storage, off season clothes and yard equip.) and set some schedules and plans for keeping the kids entertained throughout the summer.
Last summer we spent so much time on the remodel of the house (we no longer occupy), that we looked up and realized summer was gone and the kids pretty much had to entertain themselves. We don’t want to repeat that mistake this year.
Also, LM15 is about to start her first job. YM 15 will be spending a few weeks in MI after he gets off the AT trail… his return home will include employment for him as well. We are realizing very quickly as two of our eldest kids move into the arena of jobs, 2nd years of High School and more active social and extra curricular activities that we only have a few years left with them under roof.
Goddess and I have been very guilty of letting our lives live us these recent years rather than us living purposefully….. so we want to be very certain we are present and living our lives with our own intent and purpose from here out.
The kids are growing and changing, and while we look forward to one day having the freedom that being childless allows, we also realize these years are precious and we don’t want to let them slip away.
We’ll keep you all updated as we can on the summer goings on and our wayward travelers.
~ Temptress
Surviving Our Poly Summers May 19, 2008
Well, here I sit in the last hours of scholastically granted peaceful freedom. In less than a week all nine of our children will be out of school for summer break.
I love my children, and I love being around them and spending time with them. The older they get, the more I enjoy my moments with them. The more mature they become, the more I appreciate their God(dess) given personalities. What I don’t care for is the noise and the mess and the constant on call status of being Mommy on duty 24/7/12. And for those of you who’ve asked, this is precisely the reason I/we don’t homeschool.
Before I launch into the whole “how I keep my sanity over the summer” thing, let me take this moment for a brief aside while I step up on my soap box about year round schooling. For those of you who’ve heard this incantation before, feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.
~~~
Traditionally, the summer break was intended to offset the effects of empty classroom by purposefully closing the one room school house for the period of time when the children, boys in particular, would be taken out of school to help tend the farm and harvest the crops. In an agricultural community I can see the need to do that. However, we now live in the information age.
Time is money, and I don’t know of any occupation outside the educational system that allows three month vacations or large gaps in the learning curve. I’ve known a lot of people in other states (welcome to the south, ya’ll) that have pulled off year round schooling with remarkable success. My ex step brother, in fact, spent many of his years in year round situations and not only did he love it, but it functions much better for the working family. Let me illustrate…
My preferred schedule is the 9 weeks on, 3 weeks off rotation. This is a nice compartmentalized unit of time that allows the full coverage of a study unit and aren’t schools already organized in such sections? There are plenty of other good opportunities for year round including easier day care options, saving on vacationing during off times, utilization of buildings and protection from vandalism, more flex hours for teachers with track systems, and less attrition between learning segments. I could rant on and on, but I won’t, I digress.
And BTW, if you’re a teacher, I’d love to dialogue with you about the pros and cons. Give me an email, as I’m looking for a more informed opinion from those “on the inside.” Ok, back to the topic at hand.
~~~
If we’re forced by antiquated ideology into long periods of inactivity, what does one do to keep the kids entertained and out of trouble for twelve long weeks? That is precisely the problem at hand.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but we have not been in a financial position to take a full family vacation in years. The adults have had some weekends away, and the children, through various clubs and groups, have had some travel opportunities, but as a whole there has been no ability to pack up and go somewhere for the purpose of doing nothing somewhere else. It’s a goal, of course, but not yet a reality. If you are in a place to vacation, that can take up a week or two. Two down, ten to go.
My answer is structure. The kids are already used to it and they seem to respond well to knowing what is expected of them and what comes next. Even if you are not born organized or a list maker, summer is definitely a time to rev up those skills for your own benefit.
The Family Calendar
When I am getting the summer plan together, first I consult the family calendar. It hangs on the wall next to our refrigerator and everything goes on there first. Are there any big plans, VBS, summer camps, or family trips coming up? Make sure these are well marked. And that leads me to another suggestion; each family member has their own color ink. We bought one of those twelve color Sharpie packages and assigned colors. Bold and black is for full family events.
Daily Schedules and Chore charts
Summertime is for fun and relaxing, yes, but vegging out all day to television or video games is a major no-no at our house. Those activities are limited to rainy days, rewards, or limited time frames. We have certain jobs that help our family function and those are posted and everyone knows what to expect. This is stepped up in the summer time. However your family chooses to allot responsibilities, make sure they are printed out and posted somewhere visible. I always announce a new chore chart and daily schedule with my full Vanna White persona.
Weekly Activities
Work and fun can go hand in hand. Together we brainstorm with the children lists of things we want to do (picnics, playground, swimming, movie nights, water wars, backwards day, play dates) and try to scatter them throughout the weeks. We may not always be able to do our fun thing on Wednesday afternoons, but I try at least once a week to surprise them with a super fun memory. Maybe we set up the slip ‘n slide or pack a picnic and walk up to the playground for lunch. If it’s raining, bake cookies. Whatever you do, mark it on the calendar, even if it’s after the fact, that way when you hear, “Mom, we never do anything fun,” you can run to the calendar and point. See? Right there in black and white.
Our Personal Plans
The biggest thing on the horizon for us is a guy adventure trip. Big is a hiking enthusiast and will be taking sons 15 and 13 through a 165 mile section of the Appalachian Trail. They are hoping to complete ten to twelve miles a day and be off the trail in about two weeks, but they have extra time allotted just in case they want to “slow down and enjoy the scenery.”
Also this summer our family has access to the neighborhood pool, which is something we did not have the privilege of enjoying the last two summers. We plan on morning trips to the pool several times each week.
We have camps coming out our ears; band camp, scout camps (boys, weeblos, and cubs), music camps, vacation bible school, and color guard practice are all on the schedule. Some kids are going to visit family out of state and others will be looking for odd jobs to make money. All the while the Mommies will be working diligently to complete the unpacking process.
Whatever you do this summer, do it on purpose. Make a promise to yourself not to let life happen to you and the kids this summer. Make some time, make some plans, and make some memories.
~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008
Awaiting Roast Duck May 19, 2008
I’m the type that only opens my fortune cookies because the people I am with request it of me. Then I do so with a certain amount of expected humor. I occasionally read my horoscope for sheer entertainment, and I take with a grain of salt most advice given me by those in my life who “only want the best for me.”
Where I do pay slightly more attention is to those famous quotes and poignant thoughts for the day that tend to frequent message boards and “be the best you that you can be” speeches. Some are serious, some comic; but an odd sense of truth lies in each one of them.
Lately I’ve found myself repeating one of my favorites… “Confucius say Hungry Man who stand on side of mountain with mouth open waiting for roast duck to fly in, got loooong wait.” Now I’m quite certain Confucius did not say that, but that to-the-point visual is thought provoking.
Because this is one of my favorite quotes, I can rattle it off without much thought, but most recently it got me to thinking… How often do we as people lilt through life thinking the universe or anyone in particular owes us something?
I used to be of the opinion that the worst thing we could do as adults was to be apathetic to the issues around us. Now I believe I have discovered a human condition that in my opinion is even worse. I am constantly amazed at how many people totally abdicate their right to think. An addendum to that is how people act in such an irresponsible manner and then are totally shocked when unfavorable consequences come about.
Why people are content to merely sit in metaphorical mud puddles of their own making, wanting desperately to escape, but doing nothing more than lamenting their sad circumstances to whomever they can get to listen is something I cannot understand and have an even harder time tolerating. Why the human psyche feels the need to act contrarily to its desires has always been a source of continued bewilderment. I am often puzzled by the behavior of others; most of the time it simply isn’t logical.
Perhaps I was given a gift during my impressionable years. This gift would be the truth of “life isn’t always fair and no one owes you a damn thing.” Life lessons 101 should start off with, “whatever it is in this life you want, expect that you will have to get off your rear end and work hard to get it.” This work ethic does not pertain only to material possessions, but relationships as well.
Dale Carnegie has hundreds of wonderful quotes about this very topic. (And, as an aside, if you’ve never read How to Win Friends and Influence People, it’s a timeless classic and full of very effective relationship advice. Or, if you want the Cliff Notes version, try Googling Dale Carnegie quotes.) “Feeling sorry for yourself, and you present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.”
So why is it so many people have this very bad habit? IMO, its just for whatever reason some have not been exposed to the idea or have not been willing to accept that seldom in this life are situations fully to blame on someone else. I fight this battle everyday with our kids. “He made me spill my drink” or “She made me mad” are comments I hear everyday in our house. They’ll also raise my ire faster than any other childish action.
Since when can anyone MAKE you do anything? Especially in this day and age, forced coersion is a rare occurance. Its all about our choices – choices about how we think about a situation and choices about how we react to a situation. And I think many times our reactions are controlled by unwillingness to be proactive.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” (yes, also spoken by Dale Carnegie and while we’re at it, one more…) “Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves.”
Ok, so your life sucks? Then here is my advice for you… Wake up each day and thank the creator for the day; sun, rain, or peaceful clouds – whatever it is, be grateful. Get yourself dressed and be proud of the way you look; put your best foot forward. Leave for the day thinking you’ll make a difference and learn something worthwhile. In everything you undertake, give it your best effort. With everyone you have contact, treat them respectfully and leave them with a smile. Go to bed each night and review the things that happened right in your life that day. Determine to make tomorrow better.
If that doesn’t work for you? Read a good book, find a hobby that brings you pleasure, or do something nice for someone without thought of what you’ll get out of it. Try donating your pocket change to someone that needs it, volunteer for a good cause, or give without taking. Want to make it personal? Call someone special and tell them that you love them. Look deeply into the eyes of your child and honestly tell them three things they do wonderfully. Find a little way to make a big impact.
I wholeheartedly believe when you take the chip off your soulder and your eyes off yourself and begin to focus on others, suddenly your own life has more purpose and the world begins to be a better place.
~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008
“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” ~Dale Carnegie
“Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar” ~Benjamin Franklin
“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else” ~Benjamin Franklin
Revolutions and Evolutions May 16, 2008
I have avoided blogging for numerous months in attempts to not add any additional fuel to our ongoing fires. Every other major poly challenge we went through lasted days or weeks. This one seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I don’t think it is actually a poly problem. This was probably a marriage issue that was lying dormant in a dyad relationship that the complexities of the quad brought to the surface. Poly didn’t cause the problems; it created enough of a safety net that the problems could be faced. Fix might not have had a breakdown if his family wasn’t going to be provided for in his absence. Temptress might have given in to his demands or never allowed challenges to ever see the light of day if we hadn’t been there for her and the kids as a backup. It is amazing how much one will allow when no other options seem to exist.
I can argue both sides of preserving a marriage at all cost. We all agree that the children are the most important part of our lives at this stage. Creating a warm and loving environment for them is our highest priority. I want to do everything I personally can to further this endeavor but in doing so, I never want anyone to feel replaced by me.
As challenging as Fix’s outburst can be, I feel like I’m partially shielded from them. They are always directed at the women and since he’s not in the household at present, I usually hear about them secondhand. Additionally, YM15 came back from his therapeutic camp a changed person. He’s had over a month back home and seems to have his anger issues under control. He’s still a teenager with everything such an age entails, but he’s back to a level that is acceptable. He will even be joining me and YM13 for a three week stint on the Appalachian Trail at the end of the month. For me to feel comfortable being the only parent with him for that period of time should tell you how much he has improved.
The changes in the household have allowed me to focus more on business, finances, and the 1001 things required for our move last month. Procurement of a house for this size crew was challenging enough before we even packed the first box. With a declining real estate market, I chose to rent for the next year instead of buying. Finding a landlord with a large enough house that was willing to rent to a family with nine children provided hours and hours of entertainment.
After two and a half years of polyamory, I’m seeing some common threads in many polyfolk I’ve met. The couple looking for a unicorn (hot bi-babe) willing to drop everything and adopt the original couple’s life seems to be a often repeated first step. Poly-fi seems to fit for many in the earlier stages of such relationships as well. Some people seem to be quite content having a very small circle of friends and an even smaller circle of lovers. The idea of moving from a monogamous mindset to polyamorous is pretty huge. The idea of going from three lovers to four or from four to five – not so huge. I agreed to speed of the slowest when we started this journey and I am so glad the others in my family were willing to slowdown or even temporarily come to a grinding halt when it was me applying the brakes. Now it’s my turn to be patient. Life is ever changing and what comes around, goes around.
I’ll be curious to see what changes occur during my absence for three weeks. Any changes in the working dynamics of the family require adjustments, even when some members are gone temporarily. With the base I’ve built up preparing for this hike, I believe I can transition back into triathlons as soon as we return. It feels good to focus on a different set of life challenges.
~Mr. Big
May 15, 2008
Say What you Mean, Mean What you Say May 9, 2008
As a parent, I’m always looking for effective object lessons for my kids. You know the ones that speak loudly for you so you have less parental nagging to do. I’ve run across great object lessons for all kinds of things from peer pressure to maintaining your purity to rethinking unhealthy influences on the gray matter. But my favorite one by far can be beneficial to children of all ages, not just the ones with logical correlative thinking skills in place.
I cannot take credit for this great idea; it was a gift from a teacher when I was in middle school. Even being told to me at the tender age of 11, I still remember it. In fact, I delight in sharing this with any other parent who’ll listen. And in preparation for using this illustration when the message is most powerful, I keep the necessary item on hand at all times.
When your child shows that he/she is having a hard time understanding that words can hurt and cause long lasting effects, its time to pull out the toothpaste! It goes like this: Have said child stand by a sink, hand over a fresh tube of toothpaste and have the child open the tube and squirt out all the paste into the sink. Have fun doing this, making comments about how cool it looks or how much fun it is to just slam it out and make messes. Make sure the tube is completely empty. Tell the child they have 10 minutes to put all the toothpaste back into that crumpled empty tube. Set a timer and walk away.
When you return you’ll find a humbled child, perhaps emotional at the understanding that the toothpaste cannot possibly be returned pristinely to the tube. Now, explain that our words are like the toothpaste. Inside the tube the toothpaste cannot do its job. Likewise, our words belong to us, but only until we let them come out of out mouth. Although our words should be intended to be used to build others up, to show them love or appreciation; sometimes we let our words slip out without thinking about how it might affect others.
Used incorrectly words can cause hurts that can never be taken away. And like squirting the paste from the tube, once “out there” you cannot take them back; the damage is done. Of course there is always room for a heartfelt apology, but words are powerful, they have meaning and purpose. No heaping amount of “that’s not what I meant” or “I was just teasing” or “I only said that because…” is going to take the sting out of words that originally pierced the heart.
This is the type of instruction is best gathered in childhood, but it doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we miss lessons along the way or ignore them entirely. The question becomes whether or not we as adults are willing to move outside our comfort zone and disprove the theory that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.
None of us are in jeopardy of loosing our personal identity by capturing mannerisms that exhibit respect. And there is no shame in adopting behaviors that edify those around you. Our words can be weapons of devastation or the greatest gifts we ever give. May we all be ever mindful of the messages we send.
~the laundry goddess, May 9, 2008
hold on May 9, 2008
first of all thats not what happen temp and i were talking about where she was after my break down i said to her that instead of my wife being there for me she pulled away and ran … when i needed her she wasent there. she was wrong for abandening me . she even admits it was wrong .. goddess was there for me and if it wasent for her i proply still be there.. but after time went by her and i was together alot then came the goddess and fix party thang from tempress course that started other problums .. then i started sleeping alone and fighting over everthang. course Iam the bad guy…… i pointed out the wrongs and that was the beginnings of all but Iam not going there now becouse the point is i thank you heard wrong and was told wronge and thats not what was said………..not in that content………. I miss everthang we had and its not aboutyou only being for sex nore has it ever been Goddess you know how i stand on that AND i have NEVER treated you like that…….. how dare you even go there…….you know thats not who i am so for two days I have been trying to fegure out whats wrong and this is how i have to find out… read about it or get told nastly by someone else …. no one can just pick up the phone and ask or talk to me stright when i ask “whats wronge” instead i get nothen …. how are we supose to fix this if noone can be stright up…. Iam sorry you feel that way but its not the truth far from it you mean to much to me .. i would never hold you in that mater i want it to be like it was I miss the time i spend with you and and thank about it every day ….I miss the notes and the smiles befor i walk out the door to go to work and count the minents to get back home as fast as i can……..its killing me that i cant come home and only seeing enyone time to time hurts deep and hard i want to get to a place that we were but i need to know that i stand on even ground with everone and my needs are filled also.. not just to sit and get what you all can spair for the moment . to get the full part not just the quick fix…. i want to give and recive…..i dont talk smooth and change thangs to get what i want or tell what i need to to get past the spot i have always whated for everyone else to get what thy needed and stood bye and waited till i was bypassed bye and was never give the time nor the part i was in this quid eveyone has given and took what thy wanted or needed and i have been the one on the sidelines most of the time… i want some stance of fareness and evenness in this quid but you know and seen what i have put up with and where i have stood on a lotof thangs for you to thank this is true of me i dont thank you know me very well then…..mybe it is best for me to move on and let the 3 of you have a happy life and you all can just say its was all me and i will and can live with that if thats what it takes for you to be happy….i dont regreat one momont i spent with you happy or sad….i have never thought of you …as a peice of ass…fix
A Little Something Extra May 7, 2008
In the formation stage of our four person relationship, when NRE ran rampant and our idealism was fresh and energetic, we spent hours discussing what we wanted and what the future would look like. We all had strong visions of our future, the symbiotic results of our combining, and the way our family would be structured now that there were four of us to do the job that two had formerly struggled.
During one emotionally intense moment, lying between Fix and my Temptress I was gifted with what is perhaps the most romantic marriage proposal I ever heard (or heard of.) And although we were all aware that legally each couple would stay in tact, there were marriages of the heart, words exchanged, and rings worn. Even though they were words we used between the four of us, we smiled across rooms and giggled secretly when strangers used the terms “husband and wife.” We were living and acting as spouses in a group marriage, even though Big preferred the term “spice.”
For a long time there was a lot of equality between us. In many ways I felt like the fact that our poly unions being beyond the boundaries of law and obligation gave me a more elevated status. Not a preference, per se, but a unique niche in the heart of He who knew what we shared together must be built on love and mutual adoration otherwise I’d have no reason to do the things I did.
I reveled in being the Morning Mommy on deck, getting up early making breakfasts at 5am and packing gourmet lunches. I liked that fact that Fix and I shared our “early bird” tendencies in that dark and quiet hour. Our morning routine gave us extra time alone; somehow we were stealing more intimacy from the day because we had this special opportunity the other two didn’t have. Regardless of where I spent the night before, the morning was his, a gift from me to him. I could send him off to work with acts of love with remembrances of quiet chats and intimate embraces.
This habit went on for nearly two years until our morning time became just another venue for arguing. After our move last summer, the episodes of ire and rage became more frequent and less controllable and too many mornings I was left in the kitchen with half cooked breakfast and a half packed lunchbox to the tune of squealing tires.
It was about that time I decided I felt taken for granted. Because I can only control my actions, I decided I would no longer do those things that caused me distress. Not only did I stop the early morning off-to-work routine, but I stopped doing a lot of those thoughtful little things that used to bring me joy in the doing. I’m not sure if or when he ever noticed, but I never heard a word about missing me or our time together.
Fast forward nine months. Yesterday I finally got the message loud and clear. During a particularly terse conversation between Fix and Temptress he informed her that it didn’t matter if I was doing all those things for him all this time, what mattered was that she WASN’T. That thought made me sad. It made me very, very sad.
All this time I thought the plan was to use everyone’s strengths and talents in the roles the best suited each of us. I thought I was showing him love by doing for him in my own special way. And now after all this time I find out that it didn’t matter after all. So, if who I am and what I did was irrelevant, what function did I serve? Well, let’s do the math together…
I don’t bring in any income. I don’t have any special talents that help with maintenance. I don’t enjoy the clerical side of household responsibilities like family paperwork or bill paying. So what does that leave? It leaves me in the kitchen, in the laundry room, chasing after children, or on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor doing all the things that apparently “don’t matter” to him. That only leaves one thing left – I must merely be an acceptable piece of ass – just that little something extra to have around the house. And I cannot begin to tell you just how exceptionally terrible that makes me feel.
At least it all makes sense now. All those months of fighting for our family, for the family we created together. All those times he was so grizzly because Temptress was sleeping in or working tirelessly on files and paperwork. All those times I asked why it mattered that she wasn’t doing it because I LOVED doing those things for him… now I know. No wonder he’s so miserable. I must have been confused when he said he didn’t want our relationship to be all about the sex. ‘Cause it’s not about the sex. It’s supposed to be about the loving relationships. So where does that leave me now?
Apparently, it doesn’t matter.
~the laundry goddess, May 7, 2008
A Poem May 7, 2008
Do not go after the past,
Nor lose yourself in the future.
For the past no longer exists,
And the future is not yet here.
By looking deeply at things just as they are,
In this moment, here and now,
The seeker lives calmly and freely.
You should be attentive today,
For waiting until tomorrow is too late.
Death can come and take us by surprise–
How can we gainsay it?
The one who knows
How to live attentively
Night and day
Is the one who knows
The best way to be independent.
-Bhaddekaratta Sutra
where am I May 5, 2008
still out and the last to know enythang or part of enythang
sit on the sidelines and what to read about it on the sidelines. should eny body tell me enythang when it happens would mean iam part of the quid butt instead its held from me for weeks why should enythang that happens include me Iam not in the loop on enythang i should be thankfull Iam talked too and said to be part of this triad quid
Getting to know you… May 5, 2008
Ok.. so Goddess and I have declared this “Get to know our readers” month.
We would love for ALL of our readers to leave a comment answering a few fun and interesting questions.
What is it you like most about our blog?
What is it you like the least about our blog?
Are you in a polyamorous relationship? Explain.
List three things you regret not learning to do, or you plan to do sometime in the future.
Using only one word describe yourself as a child.
What book is on your shelf begging to be read?
If you could take back one thing you have said in your life, what would it be?
Where am I ?? May 4, 2008
“Where are you ?”
I seem to get asked that question a lot these days. And in all honesty the question comes about in reference to many different things.
My residence:
Our family just completed another major move of our residence.( and I use that term loosely given the mountain of boxes in the garage still needing to be unpacked). The new house is only a few miles from our other one, and is smaller, but suit us well. Goddess, myself and the majority of kids have all echoed a similar sentiment of feeling comfortable and more “at home” here in our new abode.
My lack of blog posts:
Given the packing, moving and unpacking of recent weeks, that should be obvious.
My marriage and relationship with Fix:
I still love Fix deeply and still want our life together as a couple and a quad. I am committed to doing what I can to help heal the wounds and put us back together. I will continue to try until there is truly nothing left to try for, and I truly hope that never happens. I want us, I want our life. I want him.
My desire to remain a closed poly-fidelitous quad:
This one is the one I hear the most about and in all honesty is the one I struggle with the most. You dear reader have heard me ruminate about my quad-nogomous label. And I still stand by that. I am not poly by choice, I am by circumstance. I fell in love with my best and most dearest friend and life took me along for a wild ride from there.
That said once again…..
Two events that have taken place since February have rattled me deeply and I am still in recovery mode. While we have chosen to be blatantly honest here in our blog this is one situation I am not so certain as to how much detail is too much. And given the amount of hurt that has already been passed around via our quad and the others this affects I will tread gently. I will say that like my deep and abiding love for Goddess that happened un-willed and unexpected, a member of my quad realized unexpected feelings for a trusted friend allowed into our inner circle of family. These two parties admitted feelings for each other and then clued in another quad member. Two other members were left in the dark for a few weeks until a misdirected email appeared in my inbox and I confronted said parties. I have released this quad member from promises of fidelity and while not given my blessing, I did state I would try to find a way to deal with this relationship. In turn, the release of promise was denied and said party has told me they did not want to further this relationship and in fact preferred to step back from it because it was not “what is best for our family”. So now we move forward one day at a time, we are both dealing with the pain that has been a repercussion of this and we are moving forward stronger and more committed to each other than before I believe.
Secondarily, because of this one event, a certain other quad member who has been very vocal about their desire for an open quad or more to the point “REAL polyamory” took this as a green light and began to openly seek and pursue other relationships, this time as more than friends, hoping to actually find someone who might fall into the realm of “lover”. After a tense week or so, said person has realized they are not the only one to need to use our promise of “speed of the slowest” and in fact there are times when other members of our quad need that pace. I never thought I would be one of them, but in fact I am now the not so proud bearer of the mantle titled “slowest.”
I have promised that while I do not expect to change the feelings I have concerning poly-fi, that I will try to keep my mind open and do what I can to explore the thoughts and feelings associated with my reasons and to do what I can to move forward. Again, I re-iterate, I do not expect my feelings to change on this, but I have promised to try, and try I will.
My feelings about our “friend/family member:
I miss the friendship we had. I miss this person’s presence in my daily life. I miss our daily interaction and banter. I miss the freedom and openness I once felt. I shared a piece of my soul with this person, I allowed them to get close to my family and I entrusted them to this person knowing that I had nothing to fear in my absence. I felt that this person understood me and my feelings and what was important to me and those I love.
Now I question everything I “thought” about this person. These events and their absence have left an empty place in my life. One that I hope one day I can allow them to step back into partially. I say partially because I will never be that blind, that trusting or stupid again where those I love are concerned. I also need to be aware that no matter the words that come from the lips of the person I love who was involved in this, that does not change the heart. And when this person is “allowed back in”, I expect it will be difficult for all parties.
This is one situation where only time will tell how well the bridge can mended . Until then I waffle from hurt, to angry, to understanding, to furious and back again.
So with all that said, I hope I have answered the question of “where are you?”…..
Temptress
On Being Wronged April 28, 2008
I’m fond of motivational and educational material, and I stumbled across this several years ago and have just unearthed it in my files. Not certain where it came from, I began Googling and in fairly short order I had found the source. Now here is the sticky part… publication permission.
According to the author’s website, there are certain situations where you can use his work without written permission and other situations (mostly corporate or for profit) where you need written permission. After reading through all of his rules and regs and seeing no mention of blogging or online diaries, I have come to the conclusion that the “spirit of the law” where use of such is concerned will allow me to post this here if I five full credit. Ok, that’s very doable. And if there is a problem with it, someone official will ask me to take it down. Ces La Vie. Hopefully, it’s all just that easy.
So, posted below you’ll find one of my very favorite outlooks on life, written by a man named Ralph Marston who has a website called The Daily Motivator. (http://greatday.com) You can go to his website and subscribe (for a nominal fee) to his HTML daily emails. So, I’m feeling like I’ve adequately showcased and given due credit. Now on with the message of the moment…
~the laundry goddess, April 28, 2008
*********************
Blame
Posted July 13, 1999
Just because you’ve been wronged is no reason to do the wrong thing. In fact it is all the more reason to do the right thing. Just because there’s someone to blame for your troubles does not mean that you can end your troubles by hurting that other person.
No matter who is to blame for your problems, you are responsible for them. Revenge may be entirely justified, but it will rarely solve the problem.
Just as time does not proceed backwards, you cannot right a wrong by committing another wrong. Though punishment is often an appropriate and positive step, it cannot undo what has already been done.
The energy you put into blaming other sot your problems takes away from the energy you have available to effectively address those problems. Don’t let the desire to assign blame detract you from making things right. You cannot move backwards, so put your energy into moving forward.
~Ralph Marston
Precedent, Predictability, and Perspective April 27, 2008
For many years I walked a straight and narrow path, more out of fear than righteousness. I was a being of propriety at the expense of the soul that cowered within. On many occasions I would obligingly conform even when the child inside screamed in opposition. Throughout childhood and into the early adult years I practiced this form of personal denial, convincing myself that any expression beyond the expected decorum was not only ill advised, but some shameful act of willful insurgence against both my faith and my upbringing. To doubt or question those would be certain blasphemy.
Not until the college years when I astonishingly witnessed so many frivolities and experimental liberties taken by those around me did I begin to give serious attention to the pinings I felt inside. Although I gave them no influence, I began to ponder them internally, reconsidering many lifelong messages and allowing some of them to find face in the discovery of the inner voice.
Instead of becoming angry or declaring oppression, I merely retreated to the comfort of the well known paths I’d already traveled. I returned home and completed my educational pursuits from the sanctity of the anticipated course my life would take; marriage, homemaking, and family.
While I found accomplishment and a sense of purpose; the inner inclinations that I was more than the sum of my sought after recipes and PTA titles came at me like waves; sometimes softly licking the ankles, and at other times knocking me on my ass for days at a time while I processed the feelings and carefully tucked away any thought or activity that would jeopardize the safe haven my world had become.
There came a time in my life when I realized a happy me made a better wife and mother, however, the pursuits of such definition were not so acceptable to those that before had benefited from the full time sacrificial being who had facilitated them previously. Thus began many years of swerving back and forth in the journey of balancing obligation with individuality; of pleasing and service with self reliance and liberation.
Ok, enough of the pity. Really, I don’t need anyone to commiserate with me on an existence of abdicating my self expression and choosing numbing social acceptance over following the urgings of the heart. Granted I had a structured and sterile childhood, but there was love there and security in an odd way. No one gets through life unscathed, and the choices I made were the ones I thought best and appropriate at the time.
No words can paint an accurate picture of the past, as it is tainted with perspective. It was what it was, and I make no claims of culpability. Whether it is the choices stationed upon a minor me by a parental figure, or choices I made as an adult to blindly accept religious based mores; my life is my choosing and I will place no blame outside myself, whether I be on a path of correctness or discovery.
Despite this rather public forum for broadcasting personal thoughts and occurrences in my life, I’m surprisingly reserved and private in actuality. Those of you who read my lexis are given only partial glimpses into the world I want you to see; each word is tasted carefully before allowing it to waft for eternity into cyberspace.
When given the infinity of boxes into which a person can be placed, even well meaning terms become stereotypical labels that create an incomplete picture of the person I am within. Words and titles given or earned over a lifetime pale in comparison to the living breathing individual ever evolving inside. All these names have defined me on a one dimensional level during one time or another in my life:
Darling daughter, only child, oldest grandchild, role model, perfect attendee, gifted student, latchkey kid, chubby, good girl, leadership material, honor student, poor, safe sitter, Christian, band geek, looser, capable, rebellious teen, peer counselor, prep, best friend, naïve, drama queen, scholastic achiever, tease, idealist, perfectionist, passivist, naturalist, valued employee, valued customer, girlfriend, fiancé, bride, wife, foster mother, college graduate, expectant mother, brave, strong, Mommy, loopy friend, disappointing, insatiable, discontent, wanderer, Aunt, angel, glutton, goddess, Libra, lover, mono, poly, straight, bi, bitch.
I do not claim perfection or sainthood, nor do I want outside assessments. Such terms give limited perspective and are generally focused on external parameters. But who can know the heart, and under what circumstances can one examine the reasons of another?
So, draw your own conclusions, make judgments about who you think I am, and lay accusations at my feet. To those so inclined to evaluate my life, you may critique my actions, but I bid you reserve verdict on my intentions and motivations. If I do not yet know myself fully, how can you ever begin to overcome the egocentristic nature of all humans and label me correctly? For I am undefinable, I am merely ME.
~the laundry goddess, March 30, 2008
“Hypocrisy is judging the judgmental,
Blaming those who blame,
Throwing stones at those who throw stones,
And thinking somehow that it’s not the same.”
~Lindsey Archer
Iam sorry too April 5, 2008
for beleaving you when you said to me at the begaining that thay would never come between us that our marrage would hold strong .for beleaving that what were doing could could fill the empty spots in us so we could be happyer and better with each other …. but all this has done has pulled you and i ferther apart…. yes you have gotin your spots filled and big and goddess has also but mine are bigger now then thy have ever been … the new ones are so big i dont know if thy will ever heal. sorry to be the bad guy……to point out the injust….. to point out the walls…. to point out what good for everone else but not to be for me…..except when alowwed and given permission……to be the one to leave and to be the one desmiss from whats the only part left to my soul and being … sorry to ask to be part of my family.. the marrage, the friends.. the quid. and to be part of your missing spots in your all place…. sorry for just needing you and your family …..sorry for not staying calm and quite when what i say has no meaning to enyone and my presence in a room has no place in your alls conversation..sorry for not just sitting in the corner and let you do what ever you want…. sorry for saying” i give you freedom to do this” meaning the quid….. not me…..
I am sorry for you haveing to hold your true you back for 16 years and never being the true you….sorry for you liveing so injustly that you were so unhappy with the life we had….sorry you feel you need to be protected all the time and have so meny fears that you dont need me but need them to do what i could do if i had the permission too … sorry that you dont have the time to show up to our meetings that we have been waiting for for 8 mos.. to try to peace back some of the empty parts ……sorry FIX or mybe BROKEN
My Love April 2, 2008
My selfishness has hurt you.
The pain I see in your eyes haunts me.
I want so very much to fix this, to make it better.
To turn back the clock and have things as they once were.
I know we can never go back to that place.
The place before the hurt.
I want so much to remember the past and go back to it.
You want to forget and move forward.
We both want so much to please the other, and yet our own actions
Hurt the one we love and theirs’ in turn hurt us.
Will we both be able to find a place of peace without losing a part of ourselves or giving up that which is important to us?
I am sorry from the depths of my heart.
Sorry I can not change in the way you need me to,.
Sorry I can not let you go with a glad heart.
And yet wanting so much to hold you close and bring you joy.
I am confused and tangled in my thoughts and in my heart.
I am so very sorry.
I love you.
~Temptress
Pride and Promises February 25, 2008
Over a week ago Fix and I both threw out hurtful words. Hurt , frustration, anger and fear were my catalysts. Jealousy, hurt, and anger were his.
In the blink of an eye we both became people that I did not recognize and that for the better part of our marriage we both swore we would never become if the strength of our marriage waivered.
But there they were, battle lines. Clearly drawn and harshly viewed. And was the battle over…. Our children. The very beings we created in love and professed to care for and protect. They were about to become property to be fought over.
One statement from Fix denouncing the lifestyle I (we) lived and had chosen together, thrown at me in the form of an all out threat had me running for my computer to remove all trace of this life we chose, our poly life together. It was a knee jerk reaction, and one made with the need to protect that which I hold most dear.
Within 48 hours, I deeply regretted all that was said and took a stance of full acceptance and backed down to the majority of Fix’s requests.
As I stood in the window Saturday and watched as our girls loaded into his car fro a weekend at his apt. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. How in the hell had we reached this point?
I have put the website, the forums and the blog, back online. I’ve done this for several reasons…..
1) To show good faith. I have no intention of making our children’s lives a battle ground. I expect no need of the legal system or the courts to decide their fate.
2) I have every hope and expectation that Fix and I will find level ground once again and put or family back together again.
3) If for some terrible unthinkable reason this does go to the courts. I am not ashamed of the lifestyle the four of us chose together. I am willing to stand up and show that our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted. I can not think that having a group of loving parents to watch over and guide them is as awful as some would think.
So while some would call me reckless and out of sound mind to put myself and our life out there when the fate of our children could be in question. I am willing to stand up, hold my head high and show anyone who asks just how wonderful “our poly life” really is.
Temptress
Beware the Beast Within February 1, 2008
Like a wounded animal it strikes
Hungry claws intend to injure or maim
Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance
Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives
Thinking nothing of anything but itself
Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark
Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite
Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion
Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses
Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul
Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling
And its name is pain.
Beware the Beast Within January 22, 2008
Like a wounded animal it strikes
Hungry claws intend to injure or maim
Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance
Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives
Thinking nothing of anything but itself
Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark
Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite
Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion
Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses
Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul
Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling
And its name is pain.
~ the laundry goddess, January 21, 2008
