Dealing with emotion July 4, 2009

I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

In with the new out with the past. June 6, 2009

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

Butterflies Revisited February 17, 2009

In a blog post some time ago I wrote about turbulence that Big and I were experiencing and the trials with the our marriage that Fix and I were having. In that particular post I wrote that I felt as if our quad were a butterfly and that its   slowly and systematically being pulled off of  it, thereby destroying it.

Around 6 months ago Big and Goddess hit rough patch, and he declared himself not interested in poly anymore, he thought they should be monogomous agian, and pretty much cast me aside. It was a rough few weeks but we weathered it. During that time I came to a place inside where I reconciled our relationship into a compartment where I could keep my heart sheltered. He eventually came around and things were resolved with Goddess for the moment and our relationship resumed.

Now here we are again, except this time, I am fairly certain this is our last time at this rodeo. Big and I danced this dance before and I am now in a place inside my heart and head where my dance card is full. Goddess and I have come to the painful realization that the quad we had once  reveled in , no longer exists. Late last year we came to the conclusion that we were actually two triangles that created an intersected diamond. Now as we look forlornly at the wingless butterfly, the shell of what once was beautiful and is now painful to see, we realize we are all floundering and wondering what direction to turn.

Fix and I are finding level ground. It has taken16 long and emotionally painful months, but the darkness is parting and I am beginning to see the dawn. He and Goddess are taking small steps forward. She is fragile now and he knows that special care is needed to help begin to rebuild their relationship. Goddess and I are clinging to each other as the only anchor the other seems to have. We know what it is we want, we want the family, the four, the life together that our men promised us. And in the rubble we are holding fast to each other as we continue to ride out the aftershocks.

Big has made it known for quit some time that he no longer wishes to be poly-fi. He finds that to be a constricting box. He advised Goddess that  he wanted monogamy or he wa ready to move forward with his desire to date, enjoy the company of friend-girls and eventually have other intimate partners. I have told Big all along that when he chose to take things to a physical point with other women, that our intimate relationship was over.  I have watched to many friends die of AIDS, my own brother is HIV positive, and  am just unwilling to take that risk. Last week after his proclamation to Goddess she came home very upset from their conversation. I climbed his case for  the condition she was in and re-iterated to him  my feelings concerning  my biggest reason for poly-fi. He told me if I felt that way then I might as well just consider that he was taking that step forward and I should act accordingly.

So be it.

What I was apparently mis-informed about, was that a physical relationship was all Big and I had. He has barely spoken to me, and acts as if i am not even here. We are not even roommates, we have no relationship at all. That is what I suppose pains me the most. I still love him very much,  I am deeply in love with him and I had hoped we were more than sex.  How silly of me to think that.

What I have realized I am to him is a nemesis. An excuse, a reason for all things  currently wrong in his marriage. At this point he wants nothing more than for me to turn my back on the promises made, tear apart these children we have turning into family and leave him and his wife to their marriage and never to look back. But I love her to much and I value what she and Fix and I see as the big picture too much. And I stand firmly planted, holding the hand of the woman I adore and promising her to stand with her against this latest hurricane of emotion.

Since she has refused his request of monogamy, Big now moves forward with his plan of full open poly.  I feel pain at this, pain for being cast aside in favor of the new rush, the new friend-girl, the new intimate conquest. But my pain is so much different than hers. Her cuts far deeper than my own.

She feels pain of a completely different kind. She is working from the pain of the past. A time when she begged him to not do that thing that brought them on this path. A time when his needs and desires were more important than her security and the well being of her heart. Once again she see him chasing the high, the new wants and not caring for the hurt he will leave behind.

The pain  I feel will heal, I said in the beginning of this blog that I had moved him into a compartment in readiness for this day. The pain I see in Goddess’s eyes is my undoing. Holding her when she cries, and feeling her pain makes me want to shake this man an ask him what the hell is he thinking. How can he hurt her, how can be so un-feeling for her emotions and that which pains her?

If I thought for a moment that he was looking for love, romance and a commitment of emotion and time I might be supportive of this. But I know, as does Goddess that he is seeking a high,  chasing the  conquest. He thrives on adrenaline and adventure. And for this I feel sorry for him, because really he has everything a man could want, all he really needs to do is look right here at home. But in the end I am afraid he will continue to seek that illusive high and then will come to realize he has lost far more than he will ever find.

I have been accused of only blogging when I am angry and hurt. This was not written in anger, or pain. But rather in loss.  There is no longer an OPL quad….  just the wings of butterflies.

~ Temptress

Just Friends September 3, 2008

I was answering questions on OKC today….

I was asked:

 

Which of the following relationship timelines would you prefer?

 

1.    Attraction > lovers > love > friends

2.    Friends > love > attraction > lovers

3.    Attraction > friends > love > lovers

4.      Attraction > friends > lovers > love

 

So I answered #3, what most people I think would have answered. While perusing the answers however I realized for the most part #1 is what describes or described Big and myself.

 

Three years ago we found an attraction to each other. Well I did anyway, I won’t speak for him as to what exactly the attraction for him was ( the thrill of the hunt I am guessing).

Very quickly after the attraction we moved to stage 2 and became lovers. I was satisfied with this, as I am going to assume he was. Then after 4 months of living together my defenses lowered and a weekend away changed everything for me. I fell in love with him. And reveled in stage 3.

 

So that is where things stood for me until last week. I knew that he cared for me, I also knew he was not “in-love” with me, I knew that he was camped at stage 2.  I was under the stupid and mis-guided assumption that I could love him enough for both of us. Until last week … I realized after over hearing a conversation he had with Goddess that what I thought he felt for me… well even that was a fantasy on my part. I was expendable, I was a thorn in his side where she was concerned, I was competition for him in her affections, I was a commitment he had made, and really nothing more than that.

 

So now I am trying to find a way to convince my heart that it is time to move to the 4^th stage, to the stage of friends. It is time to let him go, to help my heart and my mind find the path to releasing him and coming to a place where I can breathe, where being in the same room with him doesn’t cause me to fall apart, where I can sleep at night, rather than lie awake wanting to feel his arms around me.

It is time for my heart to come to grips with reality and find a way for us to be just friends and housemates.

 

Temptress

The Long and Winding Road September 1, 2008

 “The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here…”

It has been a long 9 months since the night I asked Fix to leave the family home.

Initially the intention was a 3-6 month therapeutic separation. Unfortunately we have surpassed the expected time frame, however I can say with great joy we are on the right track.

Somewhere in the vicinity of mid-July we turned a corner. I can not say what it was exactly that caused the winds to change, but change they did.

The happy smiling man I married almost 18 years ago, the caring warm hearted bear I shared with Goddess 3 years ago, the Daddy the children have waited for, has returned.

We are still taking things slowly, one day at a time, but now we know that each day brings us closer to being  under one roof again. Each day brings our family closer to being healed and whole.

 

~Temptress

 

Polyamory, Polyamorous, Poly Fidelitous, or Just Plain Poly June 18, 2008

I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.

Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.

A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.

Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.

And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.

Just a thought or two to ponder.

 

Temptress

Iam sorry too April 5, 2008

for beleaving you when you said to me at the begaining that thay would never come between us that our marrage would hold strong .for beleaving that what were doing could could fill the empty spots in us so we could be happyer and better with each other …. but all this has done  has pulled you and i ferther apart…. yes you have gotin your spots filled and big and goddess has also  but mine are bigger now then thy have ever been … the new ones are so big i dont know if thy will ever heal.  sorry to be the bad guy……to point out the injust….. to point out the walls…. to point out what good for everone else but not to be for me…..except when alowwed  and given permission……to be the one to leave and to be the one desmiss from whats the only part left to my soul and being … sorry to ask to be part of my family.. the marrage,   the friends.. the quid. and to be part of your missing spots in your all place…. sorry for just needing you and your family …..sorry for not staying calm and quite  when what i say has no meaning to enyone and my presence in a room has no place in your alls conversation..sorry for not just sitting in the corner and let you do  what ever you want….    sorry for saying”  i give you freedom to do this” meaning the quid….. not me…..

I am sorry for you haveing to hold your  true you back for 16 years and never being the true you….sorry for you liveing so injustly that you were so unhappy with the life we had….sorry you feel you need to be protected  all the time and have so meny fears that you dont need me but need  them to do what i could do if i had the permission too … sorry that you dont have the time to show up to our meetings that we have been waiting for for 8 mos..  to try to peace back some of the empty parts ……sorry   FIX  or mybe    BROKEN

My Love April 2, 2008

My selfishness has hurt you.
The pain I see in your eyes haunts me.
I want so very much to fix this, to make it better.
To turn back the clock and have things as they once were.

I know we can never go back to that place.
The place before the hurt.
I want so much to remember the past and go back to it.
You want to forget and move forward.

We both want so much to please the other, and yet our own actions
Hurt the one we love and theirs’ in turn hurt us.
Will we both be able to find a place of peace without losing a part of ourselves or giving up that which is important to us?

I am sorry from the depths of my heart.
Sorry I can not change in the way you need me to,.
Sorry I can not let you go with a glad heart.
And yet wanting so much to hold you close and bring you joy.
I am confused and tangled in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am so very sorry.

I love you.

~Temptress

Pride and Promises February 25, 2008

Over a week ago Fix and I both threw out hurtful words. Hurt , frustration, anger and fear were my catalysts. Jealousy, hurt, and anger were his.
In the blink of an eye we both became people that I did not recognize and that for the better part of our marriage we both swore we would never become if the strength of our marriage waivered.
But there they were, battle lines. Clearly drawn and harshly viewed. And was the battle over…. Our children. The very beings we created in love and professed to care for and protect. They were about to become property to be fought over.

One statement from Fix denouncing the lifestyle I (we) lived and had chosen together, thrown at me in the form of an all out threat had me running for my computer to remove all trace of this life we chose, our poly life together. It was a knee jerk reaction, and one made with the need to protect that which I hold most dear.

Within 48 hours, I deeply regretted all that was said and took a stance of full acceptance and backed down to the majority of Fix’s requests.
As I stood in the window Saturday and watched as our girls loaded into his car fro a weekend at his apt. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. How in the hell had we reached this point?

I have put the website, the forums and the blog, back online. I’ve done this for several reasons…..

1) To show good faith. I have no intention of making our children’s lives a battle ground. I expect no need of the legal system or the courts to decide their fate.

2) I have every hope and expectation that Fix and I will find level ground once again and put or family back together again.

3) If for some terrible unthinkable reason this does go to the courts. I am not ashamed of the lifestyle the four of us chose together. I am willing to stand up and show that our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted. I can not think that having a group of loving parents to watch over and guide them is as awful as some would think.

So while some would call me reckless and out of sound mind to put myself and our life out there when the fate of our children could be in question. I am willing to stand up, hold my head high and show anyone who asks just how wonderful “our poly life” really is.

Temptress

Beware the Beast Within February 1, 2008

Like a wounded animal it strikes

Hungry claws intend to injure or maim

 

Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance

Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives

 

Thinking nothing of anything but itself

Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark

 

Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite

Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion

 

Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses

Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul

 

Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling

And its name is pain.

Beware the Beast Within January 22, 2008

Like a wounded animal it strikes

Hungry claws intend to injure or maim

 

Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance

Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives

 

Thinking nothing of anything but itself

Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark

 

Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite

Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion

 

Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses

Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul

 

Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling

And its name is pain.

 

~ the laundry goddess, January 21, 2008

Making it right January 20, 2008

Anyone that expects a marriage to be the same at 15 years as it was at 1, or 2 or 5 will be in for a rude awakening.
I am honest enough to admit that in some ways I was under that delusion.
When I married Fix it was a true love at first site story. We met and married in the short space of 28 days. We spent 15 years loving and laughing, raising our children, and standing shoulder to shoulder against the world. Always finding some way to keep afloat and navigate the stormy seas of life. One day I looked up and realized something had changed and my husband was fighting something internally, he was in a place inside himself I could not go. I put more energy into making our home calm and peaceful, helping it to be a place he wanted come to not run away from. Several years after that I looked up once more and realized I was exhausted, the effort it took to make life “just so” for him had caused me to lose myself, who I was and what I wanted.

Looking back on my life now I can see I have always been the strong one, the one my mother leaned on when marriage after marriage ended, when she needed a co parent for my younger brother, when she needed a best friend to lean on. Somewhere inside of me I must have secretly vowed to never repeat her mistakes, to do whatever it took to make my life as normal as possible, to provide my children with stability and father who would not leave and to not burden them with a string of “uncles” and step-fathers.

I can see now I made mistakes in my marriage, I tried to hard to make things perfect, I protected him from to much, when I tried to keep him unburdened with the daily hassles of life, when he offered me the control of the majority of decision making, I took it. I have always been a fixer, a placater, a peacemaker. I guess I just wanted things to be perfect so he would never find fault and leave. In so doing, I messed up…. Sometimes I messed up A LOT.

In ‘05’ I realized I lost myself and in my journey to figure out who I really was I began ot change in a way that unsettled my husband, then the hurricanes came.. he went away to help people rebuild their lives and came home to his own that no longer looked the same.
His nervous breakdown in January of ‘06’ tore down his walls, the demons that I knew nothing of from his childhood, he could not longer contain, the horrors of Katrina and Rita and Wilma were more than he could emotionally deal with. I know he saw things during his time away from us that I may never be able to fathom.

The first 6 months after his breakdown were almost magical, he journaled, he was in therapy , his meds were working as they should and we all settled into life as quad. I can almost say that time was blissful. And then he began to change, his anger and his outburst became more sever and more often. My tolerance and patience for that behavior grew smaller and smaller. I had finally reached a place in my life where I knew who I was and what I wanted and I knew that I could no longer “protect” him.. in fact he came to resent the fact that I had.

I think what it comes down to is that we are both different people now than we were 17 years ago, we both still have similar goals, we both still love each and want to spend the rest of our lives together and we both have issues from our past and our present to work thru. This will not happen over night….. but if we work hard enough and realize this is not a quick fix I am hopeful that in time we can mend what is broke and come back together stronger, better, and more real than before.

So to answer the questions we have been asked…. Fix is not “out” for good. And the quad has no intentions to “break-up”

Yes things are difficult right now, we are all working thru the problems. Fix is participating in specialized therapy to help him with his anger issues, depression and PTSD, all 4 of us also see a therapist to work on the remaining issues.

In time Fix and I will see the therapist jointly and when she deems us all ready, then we will put our family back together under one roof. It is important for everyone to understand that we are not “separated” in the usual meaning. This is what is called a “therapeutic separation” and guidelines and estimated timelines were created and we are working together towards the common goal of re-unification.

Temptress

Elements of Time January 14, 2008

 “You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…  

 … for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to goor a bus to come,

or a plane to goor the mail to come,

or the rain to goor the phone to ring,

or the snow to snowor waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their hair to grow.Everyone is just waiting.            

~Oh, The Places You’ll Go!  By: Dr. Seuss 

I love Dr. Seuss.  In my estimation, he is one of the most articulate philosophers of our time.  Granted, he doesn’t present his material in a traditional manner, but it’s good for the psyche to hear meditative ideas with a twist.  Gives each of us a chance to discover our own “’ah-ha’s.”

 

Recently I’ve been thinking about how we as a people spend our time.  We all have the same 24 hours in a day.  No one has a magic formula for stockpiling our wasted time and using it another day.  What we do with that period of time with which we’re gifted each day says a lot about our values and priorities.

 

The good doctor is right about how confusion can waylay us on the road of good intentions.  There are days when I want to do, mean to do certain things, but the eternal struggle between vital and urgent seems to always play a part.  It is vital that I spend time reading and snuggling with my children, but it’s urgent that we have food in the pantry and meals on the table.  Because of that, grocery shopping sometimes takes priority over afternoon reading, or doing the dishes overrides lazy evening cuddle sessions.  Where I spend my time, doing what, and with whom is always my choice.  Despite my best intentions, I don’t always use my time in a manner that leaves me feeling beneficial to those around me. 

 

 

 

 

Everyone has requirements on their schedules.  Everyone has commitments that take time, or have certain hours involved.  Jobs, relationships, and health are all areas that demand we give them attention.  Without a good balance of work and play, not only are we left feeling one sided, but the disproportionate energies that remain unused can cause terrible consequences down the line.

 

Brooding, arguing, and blaming are all negative ways to spend our time.  Those bad habits accomplish nothing except to harden our hearts and feed our brain an overdose of hostility.  Harboring negativity literally eats away at us, causes downward spirals in our health and mental well being, and temporarily increases blood pressure and gut wrenching stomach acid.

 

How many articles have I read that sited the effect of stress on our health?  How many times do you hear people near death regret the time they spent on the job instead of making memories with the people that matter most?  When is the last time anyone remembers feeling really good about the way they spent their day?  When is the last time you remember falling asleep with a smile thinking about the relationships nurtured that day?

 

Time is a gift.  Time is opportunity.  What we do with our time is the quintessential example of, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.”  We are defined by what we do and how we handle ourselves.  So what better can we do as a new year begins than be absolutely resolute to live on purpose?

 

Living proactively is a daily decision.  I am determined to not let a day go by without saying “I love you” or “thank you” or “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sorry” when the opportunity arises.  I want to look into the eyes of my children everyday and know I’ve been the very best mommy I can for them.  I need to rest assured that in every way I acted respectfully to those around me.  I want to fall asleep every night feeling that I have put my best foot forward in every interaction.

 

It is a tall order.  I don’t expect to succeed every day in every way.  I don’t predict perfection.  All I want is to aim high, so when I fall short, I am still satisfied with my performance.  I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and know in my heart that the people I care about most be recognize I’ve exhausted myself and the resources at my disposal to make their world a better place.

 

~the laundry goddess, January 14, 2008

 They say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.  ~Andy Warhol, American Pop Artist 

Time I have only just a minute. Only sixty seconds in it. Forced upon me, can’t refuse it. Didn’t seek it, didn’t choose it. But it’s up to me to use it. I must suffer if I lose it. Give account if I abuse it, Just a tiny little minute but eternity is in it.  ~  Christine Warren, Novelist