Closet Tales June 8, 2009

This past week, Fix headed into the closet.  Not the metaphorical closet, but a room in our new terrace level that was slated to become a walk in closet for Big and myself.  During Fix’s week of vacation from work, I think he actually worked harder than normal.  Perhaps this week back will be somewhat of a break for him; different stressors, but more of a predictable routine.

 

Due to some interesting scheduling with our other children, Fix and Casanova (now 9) were the only vestiges of testosterone remaining in the home.  So, the two of them headed downstairs to begin the three day project of demolition, design, and rebuilding a space for clothing and storage.  The male bonding time seemed to be highly beneficial for both of them (and my clothing.)

 

Casanova got to play apprentice and spent most of the time selecting nails and screws from the slosh bucket, handing off tools, carrying supplies, and running the stairs to give the mommies periodic updates.  But there were other times he was hammering, drilling, measuring and marking.  He learned some important safety techniques and the thrill of handing power tools.  At the end of their hard days, they shared a round of Monster golf and a (root) beer. And above all else, they collective, but powerful father/son mentoring time; it was the thing memories are made of – for them as well as the proud Mommies that watched from a distance.

 

As I reflected on the two of those guys, I realized how much they learn from each other.  I was reminded once again just how much love can be transferred through the actions of others.  And I recalled something I wrote several years ago and never posted…

 

~ the laundry goddess, June 8, 2009

 

 

 

His Hands

 

His hands are thick and solid

Rough and calloused to the core

Leathery tools of steel are they

Displaying of years of toil

 

Those hands go off to work each day

For our family they provide

With his loving care I see

His hands are filled with pride

 

Our hands are very useful

They do so many things

But his hands hold a special touch

They give my soul their wings

 

The times those hands may touch me

Leave image on my skin

For when he is no longer here

I can still feel where they’ve been

 

His touch is warm and tender

His touch soft and like a dove

His touch is filled with passion

His touch speaks words of love

 

I crave his very essence

I’m addicted to his touch

I long to have him understand

I love him oh so much

 

I see the time is coming

When those hands may loose their power

Then I can give my strength to him

Imparting true love’s finest hour

 

goddess, 12-01-06

Leaving the nest April 3, 2009

This morning one of our chicks is taking a huge leap from home and away from the protective shelter of our nest.
Miss Academic is jetting away on a school trip for the next 9 days to Greece.
We are all pleased and excited for her to be able to have this wonderful opportunity, but we would not be mothers if there were not trepidation over this journey.
One of our younglings is traveling half a world away, far from our reach… she goes with our love and our blessings.
We hope each of you will take a moment over the next 9 days to send her a bit of heartfelt good energy to help us keep her safe.

Have a wonderful time darling ! We love you….

The Mommies

Messages October 28, 2008

There was an issue with YM 16 (Drummer Boy) last night. After Fix’s reaction last night and then the anger that was thrown at me this morning, I questioned whether or not the discipline that was handed was appropriate. I was planning to blog and to ask you, our readers your opinion.  Much to my surprise I see Fix has beaten me to it.

 

There was a time in my life, pre-marriage, when I aspired to be the perfect mother. I was once praised by friends and family to have the “patience of Job.”  I played a very incremental role in the raising of my brother (12 years my junior) as well as my roommate’s two daughters, born while we were young college students. And then I married Fix and became the instant mother to a 3 yr old daughter.  Unknown to me at the time, this little girl would test everything I had or believed about parenting. And in fact would change me and the way I parented, and was not a change that was for the better. Her emotional issues are still a struggle for myself and family to this day.

 

Over time the patience I once had, diminished.  The mother I aspired to be disappeared and I became a shoot first ask questions later sort of parent.  My own bio children were being parented in a way I knew was fundamentally incorrect, but I felt trapped and unable to make the change I needed to. And then our oldest turned 18 and left home and I was going thru the “finding myself” phase I have spoke of before. I was making baby steps toward change, but with no backup from Fix, the changes were small.

 

When the quad came together I found strength and support with Goddess and Big to be the mother I always knew I had in me to be. To parent a way that empowered my children and kept their self esteem from taking a bruising. More than anything else I think this threw Fix. Of all the changes I was making, this one was HUGE and was just one more thing in me he did not recognize.

 

For the last 3 years I have found the patience that was once buried, I have discovered my ability to listen and then to weigh all of the points of matter and create a discipline that will teach a lesson and not tear down the self esteem of a young person.

 

I was given a lot of wonderful messages as a child. And I was also given a few messages that hurt and that I fight daily to overcome. I know I am far from perfect and that I will leave scars on my children, but it is my sincere hope that the positive messages far outweigh the negative and when they reach a point in their lives that they look back at their time as children, they see and understand I did my very best to show them that they were loved and valued and that when a wrong was committed I was able to act fairly and attention paid to teaching a lesson without harming their psyche or belittling them.

 

The issue over the weekend was a young man showing very poor judgment. He took money from my purse to purchase time on an online game site. When I realized said funds were missing ( $20) , I questioned certain members of the household including Drummer Boy . He as well as the others denied any responsibility.

In an offhand conversation, Scout  ( YM14) mentioned that he and Drummer Boy had discovered new things on said online game, thanks to the new membership status of Drummer Boy.

I did some investigation on price of game and method of purchase used and then compared that to what I  knew of Drummer Boys whereabouts and finances ( he had been given $10 the day before for gas for his moped and dinner at the H.S. Football game  his JROTC crew was presiding as security for), and came to the conclusion that indeed he was responsible.

 

When I discussed my suspicion with Fix his immediate answer was that since money was taken then the punishment should fit the crime and we should take money in return. Money in the form of Drummer Boys birthday cash. I should also take his moped keys for a period of time not determined.

 

While the birthday person is the one who receives the gifts, it is my view that the reason we celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person and their place in our lives and to show our love and appreciation for them by the gifts we give.

 

I refused to use his birthday gift as discipline and requested other options, and in fact wanted the four parents to discuss it. Big came in preparing to leave for an appt. I asked if he had time to talk he said he really should be leaving…. Fix got upset at that response and left the house to return to his apt. leaving the discipline in my (our) hands.

 

I called Drummer boy in and discussed the matter with him, letting him know I had a lot of circumstantial evidence and that I suspected him of wrongdoing. It took 30 minutes of me sitting silently and waiting for him to come to terms with his deeds. But it paid off.

He was able to finally look up and look me in the eye and admit to the deed AND to apologize. This was a HUGE step for this boy given his history. I knew what I did from here was going to  mean more than a discipline. I needed him to see that I knew how hard admittance was, that I was appreciative of the apology and that what he had done was wrong and carried a consequence.

 

In my mind, since he took the money to buy something he wanted, a fitting consequence was to do without that thing which he purchased and then some. So he was grounded from all computers for a period of 90 days, the term of the online membership. I also logged in to his account, changed the account address to my email and changed the password so IF he tries to use it at a friends house he can not access it. I also advised him, that upon employment in the coming weeks, his first paycheck will be dedicated to making sure I receive compensation for the funds taken.

 

Also, driving his moped is a privilege, one given out of trust. Since he told me he was using his moped for purpose A, and in fact used it to commit his dastardly deed, he has lost his moped for a period of 4 weeks. And finally, just because I have begged him to do it for 3 weeks…. I have restricted him from going anywhere until his room is clean to the Mommies standard.

 

These punishments may seem light to Fix, but I am of the opinion that it suitable. I will say this. If Drummer Boy had not admitted to wrong doing and had not apologized of his own accord then I had other consequences in store, along similar lines, but more tough.

I needed to reward his honesty, not tear him down and yet offer a discipline that was painful and would convey to him that his actions were out of line. I think I have accomplished that.

 

We as humans are not meant to remain the same. We are always evolving and changing.

And as painful as it if for those who knew me before to accept, this is me now. And I hope in the end I am a better me.

I hope that I have become the kind of mother my children need me to be. I hope that I am able to impart messages to them that conveys my love, and teaches lessons that they can take into life and be strong, healthy and honorable adults.

 

One thing I have learned in my journey is that not everyone gets healthy messages. And sometimes it takes a persons  entire life to overcome the negative messages that they were taught as children. And some people are never able to.

 

Temptress

 

“One hundred years from now it will not matter what your bank account was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove; but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.”

Beware the Purple Lipstick September 5, 2008

When Art Linkletter told us kids say the “darndest” things, he never considered the sex positive slant.

 

I’m not sure how publicly we’ve advertised, but Temptress and I signed up last winter to be adult toy reviewers.  For the low price of a speedily posted and well written review, we are gifted several toys a month that we can test and keep.  The older children are aware of this side gig of ours because when we began, we had to warn them off from opening boxes addressed to the Mommies.  We wouldn’t want them opening a box expecting a birthday gift to be scarred for life by what they’d seen.

 

Despite our growing collection of adult toys, every once in a while I spot something I just must have, so I’ll buy it for myself.  Recently I bought a “lipstick” vibe.  When the item came in the mail I opened it up, installed the batteries and dropped it into my purse.  Temptress looked shocked and said, “Why in the world are you putting it in there?” (ok, that was a warning)

 

“Because,” I replied, “that is where you keep lipstick, right?”  I did purchase said item with the intentions of keeping it close by for those impromptu moments when I might not be at home near the toy box.  So in the purse it stayed for a couple of weeks until one day when Miss Academic, age 15, went looking for lip gloss in my bag.

 

We were sitting in the doctor’s office waiting area when she grabs my purse, opens it up, and pulls out the shiny purple lipstick (FYI, it really DOES look like a tube of lipstick, even with the inconspicuous dial at the bottom.)  “What color is this one?”  she asks, holding the cylinder in the high in the air.  I look over (forgetting momentarily that I had anything unusual hidden in my bag) and started laughing.

 

“Don’t open that!”  I said, “You will not appreciate that particular lipstick.”  (a devilish, evil grin spread across my face)

 

She looked at me puzzled, then this look of sheer horror crossed her face as she dropped the vibe back in my purse and practically FLUNG the bag in my direction.  “Ewwwwww, MOM, gross.  Do you HAVE to carry one of those things in your purse?  What’s wrong with you?  If you were a prude like most moms I wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

 

“If you stayed out of my purse or asked first, you wouldn’t have to deal with this either,” I reminded her.

 

But it started me thinking about progressive parenting and sex positive messages.  We are very open in our home about adult realities, not only with the nature of our poly parenting and our status as reviewers, but the responsibilities that adult behaviors bring.  Our children know we have sex, they know we like sex, and they know sex is a good thing when experienced in a mature and responsible way.  But they also have heard us say many times, that engaging in sexual activity is a responsibility.

 

I want our children to know that when the time comes for them to ask questions or need advice of a more adult nature, the parents are the “go to” people.  I remember the type of misleading opinions I heard from peers as a teen and young adult.  It only makes sense if one required accurate information, that person would go to a reputable and experienced advisor.  At least that is what we’re trying to teach our kids.

 

In the meantime, I’m content with just grossing them out just a little while longer.

 

~ the laundry goddess, September 5, 2008

Dad's and their kids…. and summertime plans May 26, 2008

Hi Ho Readers !

We have an adventure underfoot ! Or two even.

Fix and LM 13 decided late Saturday night to make an impromptu trip to MI to visit family, fish, ride horses and generally relax. They are going to have a great time !! They left here with a loaded van Sunday morning, making good time and arriving at their destination mid-evening Sunday.

A quick phone call this morning clued us in to some fishing and horsing adventure for the day… ahhhh Here’s to a relaxing trip. We’ll keep ya’ll updated in their fun.

Mr. Big and our boys aged 15 and 13 have set out on an adventure. Yesterday morning Goddess and I drove them to their start point for what will be a 165 mile hike through the North Carolina/Georgia portion of the Appalachian Trail. They got in a few hours of hiking yesterday… close to 6 miles.. very good given the lateness of the hour of our arrival at the start point.

They got cell phone service this morning and called to let us know they had a great night near the river and a centipede escapade in their shoes this morning. It was straight uphill the first few hours and they crested their first summit around 9 a.m. after 2+ hours on the trail. Big’s phone has a camera and email so he will be sending pics and updates which we will post here as often as we can.

Goddess and I took a few pics yesterday which I will post right here on this blog entry… so check back in a day.. two at most.

Goddess and I are home with LM 15, 8,6,3 and YM’s 10 & 8. until LM 13 arrives home next Sunday. It is odd to have such few children…. but sort of nice because given their ages we can make fun and easy meals which gives Goddess and I a bit of a break in the kitchen.

We have plans to un-pack the last few boxes remaining from the move, organize the garage and it’s contents (seasonal storage, off season clothes and yard equip.) and set some schedules and plans for keeping the kids entertained throughout the summer.

Last summer we spent so much time on the remodel of the house (we no longer occupy), that we looked up and realized summer was gone and the kids pretty much had to entertain themselves. We don’t want to repeat that mistake this year.

Also, LM15 is about to start her first job. YM 15 will be spending a few weeks in MI after he gets off the AT trail… his return home will include employment for him as well. We are realizing very quickly as two of our eldest kids move into the arena of jobs, 2nd years of High School and more active social and extra curricular activities that we only have a few years left with them under roof.
Goddess and I have been very guilty of letting our lives live us these recent years rather than us living purposefully….. so we want to be very certain we are present and living our lives with our own intent and purpose from here out.

The kids are growing and changing, and while we look forward to one day having the freedom that being childless allows, we also realize these years are precious and we don’t want to let them slip away.

We’ll keep you all updated as we can on the summer goings on and our wayward travelers.

~ Temptress

The Pitter Patter of Little Feet February 5, 2008

Almost two years ago on this blog, I made a wish for my impending 38th birthday. Not long after my hormonal system went haywire and we didn’t know for a few weeks if my wish would come true, or if my body just liked to play cruel jokes on my psyche. Apparently the later was true.

I knew my entire life I was meant to be a mommy. There is not other job for me to hold that held more meaning or importance to me. I am not the domestic diva my Goddess is. She can out pace me in all of the little touches she provides. No stain can beat her, she is the organizing queen (we own stock on Rubbermaid boxes) and no lunch box banana leaves home with out a note of love and care written on it. When it comes to my children, both natural born, and gifted from circumstance, I love them fiercely and with abandon.

These last two years I have wished deeply and with all I have for the one thing that I knew without a shadow of a doubt could not be granted…. I wanted a baby. One that would not be “theirs” or “ours” or this child’s brother or that ones sister. I wanted a baby for many reasons, but one was to tie this family together a baby that would belong to us all. I ache when I pass the baby isle at the store, seeing a small one in it’s stroller brings a rush of emotion and passing an expectant woman brings an envy that can be overwhelming. Both of our men have had vasectomies…. So it won’t ever happen for me, for us. This is something I have yet to find a way to reconcile within myself and as once again another birthday looms, my 40th, my biological clock resonates in my head like pots and pans clattering into the sink.

As some people have said,” be careful what you wish for” and then coupled that with “the creator has a sense of humor”. Well indeed…. A sense of humor it is.

Fix and I have a 20 yr old daughter whom we love, but who in the last 2 yrs of leaving the nest, has required our rescuing her in a major way several times. In fact I expect we will be rescuing her in some way the majority of her life. She has no job. No place to live ( is currently staying with Fix at his studio) and no future short a job hopper that we can see.
Sunday night Fix let me know that I’m going to be a Grandmother. My world caved in.
My first emotion was anger, “how dare she do this to me”, the thing I desire so deeply, and she has it, doesn’t know what to do with it and doesn’t want it. Then grief set in…. she can’t care for it, she isn’t ready for this responsibility, and termination was high on her list of choices, and still more of “she gets what I want”

I know, selfish. That’s not the half of it…. Then the really selfish thought came to my head. She can give it to me. She can have it and then hand it over. I’ll raise it and she won’t have to worry about it all.

Then reality set in… I was not thinking like a mother. Mothers are unselfish and in cases such as this should offer unbiased options, stand back, let a choice be made and then support it even if it wasn’t the one I would have made. Good thing I realized all of this before I actually spoke to her. I could have really messed things up.

I ended up having two lengthy phone conversations with LM20 yesterday. And at this point, termination is not an option. She is leaning towards keeping it and trying it out on her own with us a safety net to step in and take over if she feels she can’t handle it. Or if she hasn’t been able to make some major financial and situational changes by the time little on arrives then we will step in from the word go.

No matter the choices made, this small person has, at least under this roof, 9 Aunties and Uncles and 4 Grandparents who are ready, willing, and anxious to shower him/her with all of the love and affection that one tiny being can ever need.

And while I still harbor the deepest desire to be a mommy again, I know logically it is time to pass the torch and turn my face towards a new direction. It does not make the ache inside me any less, and I will wish for years to come it could be different. But now along with Mom, mommy and momma I can add the title of Grandma.

~Temptress

Our Halloween Spooktacular November 1, 2007

One of the things I constantly endeavor to do for our kids is to create memories. I’m always wondering what they will remember when they look back on their childhood. So in this vein, I am ever vigilant to add in the details, the fun little quirks that make the kids say, “Thanks mom that was fun!”

Last Halloween we decided to take the holiday festivities a step further and invited a few friends from the neighborhood for an early evening buffet. We had ghoulishly fun and creepy foods and then allowed the kids to fan out into the neighborhood for trick or treating, followed by a candy count/swap session where we warmed ourselves with hot chocolate until other parents arrived to pick up their masquerading marauders. We had a fabulous time and it is something the kids talked about for the better part of eleven months. “We are going to do that again, right? Mom, RIGHT??”

So, yes, we did it again. Temptress and I searched for more fun and creepy foods, gathered more ensemble pieces to our festively spooky décor, and created some positively delightful memories for our brood which this year consisted of a gruesome monster, a matching set of vampiress sisters (ages 14 and 5 respectively), an Autumn fae, a TopGun styled fighter pilot, one cross dressing bleach blonde Malibu Barbie wanna-be, one headless boxer, an Arabian princess, and one of the sweetest pale legged little ladybugs you’ll ever see.

Temptress and I spent the better part of a month planning this occasion with nothing less than the fervor of a corporate R&D staff. I think even Martha Stewart would have been proud at the atmosphere we created. At last count we had near 35 children (including a few crashers without invitations) and an assortment of parental units that enjoyed the evening. I can’t say it went off without a hitch, but nothing that a towel, a band-aid, or a strawberry margarita didn’t fix.

The kids all gathered at our home, running in and out drooling over the banquet table. With menu items like Monster Toes and Swamp Slime, who wouldn’t be hungry? If I haven’t mentioned it before now, let me just say for the record that dry ice has to be one of the coolest inventions on the planet. Between the smoldering cauldron of magic potion punch and the house lit entirely by candlelight and glow sticks, the evening took on a spooky elegance. Even our precious cockatiel got into the spirit of things with his pumpkin colored cage drape.

All in all, I’m not sure who had more fun – the candy laden kidlets or the parents enjoying some much needed fellowship. Temptress and I finally got a chance to sit down and prop up the feet near 9pm last night. These special celebrations require lots of preparation, but the results are so worth the toll on the back and the nerves. Not only did our eyes and stomachs get a treat, but we found some much needed nourishment of the soul having a living room full of new family friends that knew us as a family unit.

After only two years, I’m certain we’ve perpetuated a family tradition that will help bind our clan. It’s something to look back on, and something to which we can look forward. Maybe the events that fuel our memories aren’t really about the magnitude of the moment, but the lingering of the emotion. May we always endeavor to build in earnest that which brings us hope and happiness.

Wishing a very happy and blessed new year to everyone,

~the laundry goddess, November 1, 2007

Magnet-ism March 21, 2007

Ever have one of those proud Mommy moments that just filled your heart and escaped through your eyes? I had that today.

Little Miss 14 is mature beyond her years. She is a good student. She studies when she has to, but maintains mostly As on sheer smarts. She tests well, considers herself a budding fantasy author, is extraordinary at Math, and has a boat load of common sense. As a mother, I like to dwell on her positive attributes. I’m not oblivious that she has some negative ones as well, we all do, but this child was my first biological, and holds a certain special place in my heart – biased or not.

Due to her diligence in school, she has been on an accelerated track for the last few years. Among her middle school accomplishments are advanced content in all her academic courses, including some for which she has earned high school credits before she even arrives.

My brag this time is her step into a new arena. She is finishing eighth grade this year and will be attending high school in the fall. At her fall ’06 conferences, her guidance teacher mentioned the word “magnet.” I was not aware of its meaning, but apparently our county now has Magnet Programs which act as mini colleges within the high school. They offer specialized programs of study that the successful completion of will reward our dear daughter with college credits while still in high school.

Our good student applied to three of the six offered in our county (one of each of the study areas closest to our home) and was not so surprisingly accepted into all three. Part of the courting process the schools offered was a shadow day. She was allowed to go from 9-12 noon to the prospective school, whereby she “shadowed” another magnet student with similar interests. This exercise was to give her a really good idea of what classes would be like for her in that program. Not only did she take both the opportunities given her, but she thoroughly enjoyed feeling so grown up and free.

That left her with a big decision to make. She has been inclined toward one in particular, but the weight of the decision was heavy. The deadline is Friday. This morning she dropped into the mail box three envelopes – two letters of declination and one very excited acceptance. There was a noticeable sigh of relief in her posture.

I dropped her off at school in the afternoon. She’d been to her second shadow day – the one she was intending to attend. She’d weighed the program attributes, the activities offered, the feel of the school ambiance, and the practical aspects of how her out of district attendance would affect the family schedule. She’d made a wise and difficult decision. She felt good about herself and her direction. I felt the need to offer the “proud parent” speech and remind her how her good choices will positively effect her future. I left her there in the hallway outside the office. She smiled at me with a look that radiated from the inside.

She looked so grown up, but all I could see in my mind was flashes of the amazing mommy moments she’s given me over the years; her first smile, the first time she grabbed my finger, the first time she wrote her own name, the first time she went off to school boasting a most distastefully mismatched outfit she proudly picked for herself. I wanted to run to her, to throw my arms around her and hug her like I could when she was a little girl. I wanted to plant a sweet Mommy kiss on her forehead and stroke her hair and protect her from every potential harm that could come her way as she walks this path to adulthood.

But all I could do was smile back. Then I turned and walked toward our car. The sun was shining and warm, the birds were singing, and the sky was a most glorious blue. It was a bittersweet moment. Tears streamed down my face. I cried all the way home. Not because I was sad or had regrets in any way, but because I felt like my heart was so full it would explode inside my chest at any moment.

At the very tender and impressionable age of 14, this child of mine has taken the first steps in untying the apron strings. She’s taken the raw ingredients God gave her and is making something fantastic with them. I haven’t given her wings; she grew them on her own. I am a very lucky mommy, indeed.

~ the laundry goddess, March 21, 2007

Breakfast bedlam mealtime mayhem November 8, 2006

Most of the time my blog entries are directly related to the poly lifestyle or a situation our quad discovers along the way to understanding this incredible journey we face. But at heart I’m still a mom, and sometimes the kids do or say something that tickles me, or downright confounds me, and this being my blog (or at least one quarter mine), I guess I can use it at my discretion.

Life with a large family is a constant and ongoing challenge. It’s usually quite fun, but even when it’s not a riot, at least it’s never boring. There are a lot of things we do as a large clan that most families never have to consider in their daily lives. We spend lots of energy planning and organizing so we can save time in the long run. We’ve developed schedules and rituals that work for us in the areas of chores, laundry duties, summer and school day agendas, handling money and bills, even meal planning and grocery shopping.

As the Chief Cook/Bottle Washer in our quad, I have enjoyed making the large family meals, but even after ten months, the amount of food these kids can put away astounds me. The other morning I scrambled three dozen (yes, that’s 36) eggs for breakfast. Couple that with the porridge and bacon; and it should have made a hearty breakfast. Granted, we had an extra kid at the breakfast table, but we were down three adults, so I figured no problem. Assumptions are dangerous with 13 in the house. They wiped out the entire meal and were asking for more. I swear it’s like feeding an army.

Interestingly enough, it was one of those rare occasions where I received nothing but positive comments about the meal. Most meals are met with a near 50/50 approval rating. Children who were at one time accepting of nearly everything Temptress or I served, now in coalition feel free to turn up their noses and make disparaging comments.

What I find totally amusing is how nicely they seem to take nods from each other on what is or is not acceptable. If LM12 thinks something is, “the best thing Mommy makes,” then usually LM4 will love it even if it is something I doubt she’d actually eat. Likewise, if LM6 always loved something, she will now refuse to eat it if YM6 doesn’t care for it either.

The menus are drawn up twice a month and posted on the refrigerator closest to the pantry. These children are fully aware of the menu’s location, and at times I can find groups of them huddled about in dialogue. “Thursday breakfast looks good, but ewww… Saturday night is thumbs down. Hmmm, wonder if I can spend the night at Grandma’s that night?”

This is why it exasperates me when these same children will approach me while up to my elbows in meal prep and ask, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” So I stop cold in my tracks, smile lovingly, and say, “Tonight’s fare: Road Kill Casserole and Cod Liver Oil Pudding with Dust Bunny Sprinkles.”

Never push a Mommy on the edge. She’ll fight back. And she plays dirty.

~Goddess, 11-8-06

Meeting the teachers August 22, 2006

Our kids are already in school, but there was a problem with the teacher::kid ratios and the county pulled a teacher, thereby rearranging all the kids in the class where LM6 was placed. Temptress and I went in this morning to meet the new teacher.

When we had sneak-a-peek a few weeks ago, Fix and I took all the kids since the other two were out of town on business. We didn’t get any stares or any questions. We simply introduced each other by first name and as each child’s parent. It went something like, “Hello, I’m Goddess, I’m YM6’s mom, and this is Fix.” Or vice versa for Fix and Temptress’ kids. I suppose with the prevalence of blended families these days no one thought anything about our introductions. We told them our families shared a residence and then mentioned I would be the one most likely to be dealing with the teachers since the other mommy was out of town on business quite often. After that, my non biological children proclaimed me “Aunt” and the teachers would nod and that was the end of it.

Today was a bit different. Having both the Moms go in together didn’t get any stares, until Temptress walked right up to the new teacher and introduces us by name, followed by, “We’re LM6’s Mommies.”

I was a little shocked that she said it that way, (ok, not so much – she said she was going to) but what did surprise me was how the information didn’t seem to faze this teacher. She asked about legal status and guardianship when Temptress told her I would be the one dealing with the children’s schooling issues and conferences since she was away frequently. Then we told her the Father would be accompanying me to conferences and other official appointments she seemed slightly confused, but didn’t ask any questions.

Perhaps it’s because I’m relatively new to this alternate lifestyle thing, I’m unaccustomed to peeking the interest with anything more shocking than a long term marriage. (And you’ll have to admit; anything over about 9 years these days is still a little out of the ordinary.) Once we got home, I started thinking… We live in a sleepy little suburb about 45 minutes outside what I would consider a fairly large and somewhat progressive metropolitan area. I’m sure there are other places within the city that alternate lifestyles and children are more of an everyday mix. But, as forward thinking as I have become privately, taking steps further from the closet can sometimes twinge my straight and narrow past.

I truly believe in what we are doing. I’m not ashamed of us or our lifestyle. There are just so many people around us that are conservative thinkers, and could cause challenges with our kids. The last thing I want is for the kids to come home and doubt what we are trying to teach them. I want our children to know tolerance. I want them to seek to understand before being understood. I want them to learn to love people for who they are, not based on preconceived notions of what they think they see.

All in all, today was a positive thing. I’m constantly impressed at how much freer I feel as more people come to know of our chosen lifestyle. I don’t expect understanding, but I do expect people to treat me as me, regardless of whether or not they understand what I’m doing, or why. Society and its standards have changed so much in the last 15 years, 25 years, 100 years… Women can vote, children are allowed to express their opinions without fear of being silenced, and there is, to some extent, equality between the races. I hope in my lifetime, the family I choose for myself will be accepted based on our character. I’d like to be free to be affectionate with all my spice outside our home. And I’d like to be recognized for the parent I’ve become to all nine of our children.

~Goddess, 8-22-06

Back to school August 15, 2006

The kids went back to school yesterday. Seven of our nine children were gone for the day by 8:30 am. The house let out an audible sigh of relief. So did all the parents.

We’ve been prepared with school supplies and new backpacks for weeks. The lunchboxes are standing ready. The new school year chore chart is posted on the communications board. The lunch accounts are primed with food funds. Routines have been discussed. The alarm clocks are synchronized. Back to school is always a fun time. It means fall is coming, and the routines shift back into a more predictable mode. It also means my days are a little freer and I have time for myself.

I felt for a lot of years that if I wanted or needed time for myself I was being selfish. Then one day I reached a level of frustration threatened my sanity from the sheer volume of responsibility, I discovered I MUST take time for myself. Just like you can’t run a flashlight on a dead battery, I can’t manage my family without taking time to recharge that part of me that wants to give my loved ones the very best I have to offer.

Now that I’m home full time, I have lots of plans for my “spare time.” I say that laughingly because in a house of 14, there never is really any spare time. For anything I want to do, time must be found or dedicated. I could spend my entire day engrossed in dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and dirty floors. But then I would miss the joy that comes from picnicking with my preschoolers, indulging myself with hours of dedicated scrap booking time, taking spontaneous lunch dates with Temptress, and in general, loving every minute that’s been gifted me.

Another wonderful benefit to having the children in school is it affords time between the spice and I. With my early mornings and long days, by the time I hit the pillow in the evenings, I’m rarely energetic enough for anything beyond a loving goodnight kiss and comfy snuggle. Suffice it to say, I love an afternoon delight when the opportunity presents itself. Perhaps this is TMI, but I like to see my victims, er, lovers when we’re in the throws of passion.

As much as I enjoy being surrounded by my family, there comes a time when I have to call a time out for mommy. I need quiet and peace. I need to rest and relax. I need time to read. I need time to just veg without being pounced and trounced; without being called upon, or requested for referee duties.

I love my children, I love our children. It’s just that when they are all home at once, and restless beyond measure like nothing except the end of summer can bring, it’s a little overwhelming. Normally, one of the benefits of having such a large family is that I don’t feel the need to entertain them. They form their own playgroup with enough interchangeable playmates to keep them occupied and happy. This is not the case in the last weeks of summer.

Can you say, “year round schooling?” “Ya, I knew you could. Thank you, neighbor.”

~Goddess, 8-15-06

John Tucker does Polyamory August 8, 2006

Since the summer is rolling to a close, three of the parents opted to take the four older children (ages 13 and 11) to the movies yesterday. Actually, it was a reward of sorts that we’d been promising them for a while. First run movies are not usually something on which we routinely splurge our money, but it was something they had voted to do, and we owed them a thank you gift.

Imagine one daddy, two mommies, and four tweens trying to decide on one film. NOT HAPPENING. Long gone are the days we can find one family movie that satisfies everyone’s taste and maturity level. After lists of movies from different theatres and a 35 minute discussion, the parents finally agreed that we would choose a time frame and let everyone see what they wanted. That seemed to satisfy everyone except me (where is the family time in separate theatres??) but I can learn to deal.

This really isn’t a blog devoted to which movies we all saw, but more so a reaction to one movie in particular. Our daughters 11 and 13 opted to see the tween targeted John Tucker Must Die. I’ll link a few reviews here for your convenience, just in case you are really that interested, but it was typical teen angst without much of a nod from the critics.

http://movies.yahoo.com/shop?d=hv&cf=info&id=1809273670

http://www.oregonlive.com/movies/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/entertainment/1153945517112520.xml&coll=7

Perhaps I should give a spoiler alert here, but I doubt anyone reading our blog is in danger of seeing this movie without a teenage daughter on hip, so my responsibility not to give away the ending is indifferent at best. Basically, the school playboy is caught cheating by several girlfriends simultaneously and they team up to exact their revenge, most of which is counter productive to their plans.

The premise seemed basic enough, and I found no evidence of lewd or explicit behavior, so we agreed to let them view the film. They came out of the theatre giggling like, well, girls, and couldn’t wait to tell us about the funny ending. The ending, apparently, was something along the lines of this boy deciding deception was wrong and in the future he would be both open and honest about all his relationships. The last scene (supposedly, let me remind you I didn’t actually see it myself) was of said boy with his arms around two different girls vowing to be honest in the future and thereby introducing each of the young ladies to the other his “girlfriend.”

I must admit that two years ago that concept, especially within a movie aimed at young teens would have shocked me. But my response yesterday was something more along the lines of a smirk. There stood two tweenagers living in a polyamorous home and saw no correlation between what they had witnessed on the screen and what they witness daily at home. I shot a knowing glance at Temptress and whispered, “Did Hollywood just give our girls a lesson in poly 101?”

It’s a parent’s greatest responsibility to make sure our kids get positive messages. I think I spend the majority of my time with them making sure what goes into their brain and heart is congruent with the values we hold as a family. Although I believe in what our quad stands for, I’m not quite sure if a fully integrated poly lifestyle is what I’d wish for my children as adults. Perhaps I’m still partially embedded in monogamous theology; perhaps “alternate lifestyle” is still just a little too out of the norm for everyday reality; perhaps wanting the best for my children is still more along the lines of mainstream pop culture.

Is it possible that I’m that torn between what I’m doing and what I believe is right? No, I don’t think so. When I stop and question my conscience I feel no dissention between my thoughts and actions. I just want what will make our kids happy and well adjusted – whatever form that may take. I think society is just all too ready to age my children prematurely. And I think that I’d rather teach my kids the “straight and narrow” and let them discover a wider path once their foundations are more firmly in place. Maybe I just want what all Mommies want… for them to enjoy the freedom of being kids just a little while longer.

~Goddess, 8-8-06

Another step out of the closet July 25, 2006

The last 24 hours has seen a remarkable change in our household. After a bit of discussion about proper timing, our quad agreed it was time to offer a bit more information to the older two children, both nearing 14. At first we thought about having the bio parents deal with each child, and then we thought better and chose to have our talks woman to woman and man to man, respectively.

Temptress and I took daughter13 to lunch yesterday. Big and Fix took son13 out for ice cream last night. Today, Temptress and daughter13 took daughter11 to lunch (I was in class). Son11 is still agreeably “in his own little world” and just isn’t ready for the truths we shared. He along with the younger children will continue to be on a need to know basis.

We supposed that if we proceeded with the “we’re not doing anything wrong and there is no need for sneaking or hiding” train of thought, that the kids would be more acceptable to the full knowledge of the blending. I have to say the result has been remarkably calming on all fronts. The kids seem more relaxed and the Mommies are totally happy with how well our conversations concluded.

The talks went something like this, “You may have suspected something more than our families living together. I love Uncle, Aunt loves Daddy, etc… Let us reassure you the marriages are strong and healthy. This is a long term commitment, so the benefit to you is having four parents at home, to love you, to be available to you.” We figured with the typical egoscentristic nature of teens, focusing on what they gain from our choices was a good approach.

I have been so worried that their young minds would draw inaccurate or dangerous conclusions about what might appear to be hidden behaviors. But the responses we got were much more along the lines of relief. They seemed pacified to hear the original marriages were still intact and that (even though we had told them before) all the adults were in the know and nothing covert was going on. Funny how it seemed the piece that made the most impact on the kids were hearing the cross coupled person admit their love for the parent. (was that confusing??)

What we heard each of them say (each in their own way) was something like, “yes, we think it’s weird, but whatever… also, having four parents IS kinda cool.” I stumbled through the first part of my talk, trying delicately to balance the fine line between clear message and too many details. Of course, humorous LM13 was quick to confess she took great pleasure in my discomfort.

At one point I said to her, “Your Dad and I have chosen to pursue an alternate lifestyle.” At which point she said coyly… “I don’t think I needed to know that.” There was some discussion about which friends and family members were in the know; then there was some chat about why privacy and discretion are required. I was really pleased wit how well it played out.

So, here I am, feeling like a million “I told you so” comments have flooded my brain. I have been asking myself since yesterday, “so why didn’t we do this sooner?” But in a way, I’m still glad we allowed the kids to see us functioning well as a quad prior to any revealing information being shared this openly. The three kids still insisted they had no questions or concerns, but I hope our willingness to be open will set precedence for later when they will want to ask something of us.

~Goddess, 7-25-06

The bucket brigade June 16, 2006

Why is it just when you’re feeling all full of yourself and on top of the game, something brings you quickly back to earth? That ego deflating, gravity driven incidence this morning took the form of sick children. And not just regular “mommy I don’t feel good” kind but the kind chock full of substances that make my title as “Laundry Goddess” spring into action and kick the washing machines into high gear.

We were all feeling good today, rather confidently smug after an all night exchange to spend time with our opposing mates. It always looks something like Scarlett O’Hara’s morning after smile from all of us when we’ve been able to successfully fall asleep in the arms of the spice for a night. We let our guards down – we were feeling like people and forgot for a moment we were parents. That’s when reality gets you. I heard that sound no mother can mistake, followed by, “MOM!!!”

When dealing with a sick child in a family the size of ours, neglect can overwhelm even the best of well oiled machines. In other words, never turn your back on them!  Quickly we settled in the two sickies – LM 13 and 2 – along with appropriate protective attire and called an immediate family meeting. Goddess began…

“Take note, dear children, that two among us have fallen to the dread stomach virus… Any further feelings of ill including, but not limited to, queasiness, hot flashes, sudden fatigue, or stomach cramps shall be reported to a mommy, and hereby take possession of your bucket (just in case).” Upon that, the older children lined up for germ warfare duties and the younger ones tagged along for the fun of it.

Within a few minutes, all door knobs, light switches, and faucets had been disinfected; there was a large stack of bowls and buckets on the kitchen counter; and our joksters YM 11 and 13 were passing out paint masks to act as germ shields. YM8 decided a bucket should his companion regardless of how he actually was feeling (fine, apparently, by how he was running like a wild child) but after a while said bucket ended up acting as a battalion helmet instead. And soon we had a gaggle of children dressed like they were part of the EPA and running around in mass through the house yelling, “I’m sterile!… I’m sterile!…”

One thing I know for sure, in this house, even calamity can be met with humor and grace. As long as we keep our perspective and sense of humor our life will be filled with sweet memories and laughter in the walls.

~Goddess, 6-16-06

Our big little step May 25, 2006

On the road to “do no harm” to our children and their world, we’ve chosen the path of least resistance; at least for now. We never thought we could hide the true nature of our poly existence forever, but we knew age and maturity would help their understanding of the more complex and grown-up nature of the full story. The old expression “you can’t fool the feet under your own table” rings exceedingly true with children. They are great detectors of fishiness. They may not be able to identify the actual truth, but they know when more is going on under the surface.

First, let me defend our original plan to reserve adult matters for behind closed doors. The main reason we didn’t come right out and admit to our cross coupling was for their protection. There are people in our lives and in our small community that would be less than supportive and we didn’t want contradictory propaganda being secretly funneled to the children. The last thing on this earth I want is for my children to feel the need to defend their parent’s choices. Those are my battles to fight, not theirs, and definitely not at this tender age.

Because of the age spacing of our children, they seem to be divided into two sets: The Olders (all middle school ages) and the Youngers (early elementary and below). We are certain that the younger set will grow up thinking two families sharing space is a perfectly normal thing to do. The older set, however, has the single family mindset from the past decade to resolve. It’s a small leap, really, because we are such a large family, to be able more easily to double our numbers than if we had been a family of three or four in the beginning. To the kids, we’re now just more friends to play with and more people with whom to divvy chores.

We had the obligatory “we’re blending the families and it’s a good choice for us and it’s a long term commitment” conversations over the first few months. After that came the “I understand it’s disrupting what you’re used to, but we’re all making changes together and we’ll just have to work it out as a team” talks. This last talk though, surprised me. I didn’t think we’d have to have the “nobody’s sneaking around doing anything and everybody is okay with that” conversation for at least a few more years. But with summer coming and school not a decent cover any longer for some of our extracurricular activities, the quad had come to the conclusion that we’d either have to scale down our togetherness (not a choice we favored) or be proactive on the public displays of affection. We called the Olders to a family meeting.

So there we sat; the four of us and the four of them. I’m not sure who was more anxious over the conclusion of the discussion, but the time had come to present a unified front. Big started out, “The adults feel like we’re being followed…” Immediately the kids eyes dropped to their laps and the chairs started swiveling. Busted – they obviously had suspected something. Although they all swore they suspected nothing, their tells gave them away. Without giving immature minds any more fodder than they were able to handle, Big concluded with this blanket statement, “We just want all of you to understand… NOTHING is going on here that all four of the parents aren’t both aware of and in agreement about. Any questions?” At this point, not one of the kids dared looked up from whatever was so interesting on the floor and the tension in the air was so tight the only way to respond was the knowing and humored glances between parents.

So, it was done. We’d pulled back the covers just enough to let some light shine in. The quad sat around that table for quite a while after the Olders were dismissed to bed. Tomorrow we would each corner a child respectively and do a little further probing. As it turns out, one was oblivious, one was naively in her own little world, one was suspicious, and one thought he had it all figured out. The parents neither confirmed nor denied any allegations but stuck firmly to our bottom line. Our life is a choice. It’s not like anyone else’s. We did this on purpose, for many reasons, but where there is love and commitment a family can be whatever you decide it to be. It works for us and it’s a very, very good thing.

~Goddess, 5-25-06

To tell or not to tell, THAT is the question April 20, 2006

We have discussed at length the decision we have made to not clue the children in to the full meaning of our blended family.

Several months ago when Fix and I moved our crew closer to “the nest” geographically, we began spending weekends together as a ‘family’. As the weeks wore on when we gathered our bags to return to “our home” each Sunday night the kids began to balk. Really all of us moving in together happened MUCH sooner than planned at the insistence of ALL of the kids. In total honesty the children have melded far better than we could have hoped. Especially with 9 of them still at home and those all being 13 and under. They call each other ”brother” and ”sister”… and on most occasions the “aunt” and “uncle” status granted the opposing parental units becomes Mom 1.. Mom2 and so forth. They have even taken our last names and combined them into a new last name that they are currently lobbying to have changed so we can all have the same name. Really we just could not have asked for better.

With that said….. they have NO knowledge of the full relationship details of our quad. And we have no current plans to enlighten them. And that includes the 19 yr old living away at school. Because the kids seemed to have blended us without our prompting and they are perfectly happy in this situation we can’t really see a reason to bring “full disclosure” on the scene at this time. We already are careful of looks, caresses and touches because of our jobs, social status and non-informed family members. Yes we would love to be free at home to so open affection to spouses and SE’s, but currently we feel in the best interest of young minds we are making the best choice we can.

If asked point blank by one of them… we intend to be very truthful and we will honestly answer question …. But we are in hope we have a few more years before we have to do that.

Temptress, 4-20-06