In with the new out with the past. June 6, 2009

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

The Door May 3, 2009

The door is closed
I know she is on the other side,
tears streaming down her cheeks,
hurtful words ringing in her ears, demands placed upon her.
I want to rip the door apart,
take her in my arms,
and shelter her from the pain.

But I can not.
I must sit and let the two deal with their troubles.
I wish so much for it all to be diffierent.
For everyone to be at peace with the others.
For each to travel the path that brings them happiness
and compersion to all.

Why when we are hurt do we strive to hurt those we love?
Why when a different path is chosen do we demand others must follow?

I sit now, watching the clock.
The minutes tick by, the door remains closed,
my mind conjours her face contorted in pain.

I hurt for her.
I love her.

Turning the Tables April 1, 2009

There reached a point almost 2 years ago when the arguing and hurtful words that Fix and I slung at each other were said to hurt. They may have started as a discussion, as a need to be heard and understood, but eventually it would degrade into sarcasm, hurtful barbs and all out meanness. Threats, ultimatums, and cutting remarks became status quo.
I finally reached a point where I was worn down, I couldn’t fight any longer and I felt like my sanity was slipping away. It was during this time when I found safe haven in the bedroom and in the arms of my Goddess. Things would get awful with Fix and I would retreat to her room where I could cry and she would hold me. Where I could breathe again and she would help me find peace inside. She helped me to shore up my reserves so I was ready for the next battle. I know all of this sounds awful, but for a long while there was love between Fix and I, but there was war as well.
Fix and I needed to learn to communicate, to talk without hurting each other, to learn to listen and understand each other. We needed to learn to argue, to debate, not to fight. We were good at fighting; we had to become good at communicating. Big and Goddess were our role models. Their manner of being able to talk out calmly and rationally even the most difficult of subjects was admirable and something I strove to do.
We are not perfect at this new way of communication, and I expect each of us to slip on occasion, but it is both of our goals to work towards open, honest, CALM , communication now and in the future.
The last several months have been very difficult in our home. While there is joy in having our family back together again, we are still being ripped apart. Big and I no longer have a relationship. He wants Fix and I to take our family and leave. He feels we are the reason he and Goddess are having difficulty overcoming their issues. He demands primary status from her and begrudges every moment of time spent with us. He wants all of her and full open poly for himself. He is so fervent in his desire for his wishes to be met that he is slowly and systematically tearing Goddess apart. I see what is happening to them an almost replay of Fix and I. Old issues, old hurts, things from the past have finally become to much for each of them to deal with and he thinks the way to fix them is to pull her to him and away from us. Sounds familiar.
Even more familiar is their manner of disagreement. While there are no raised voices and the majority of their disagreement is behind closed doors, the words are still hurtful, at times meant to demean or belittle, the threats, ultimatums, sarcasm and cutting remarks are like seeing the last 2 years with Fix in movie replay. He demands she talk when doesn’t want to or feels mentally and emotionally exhausted, at times using what could be called guerilla tactics. Sometimes I see the pain in her eyes after a particularly hurtful “talking” session and I want to rail at him, but know that isn’t my place. Goddess is a strong and capable woman, but there is fragility about her. One that makes you want to protect and shield her. I know Big feel that way about her, he an I have discussed it often. So I wonder now, is it pure selfishness to have all of his needs met and act in a way that pleases only him that has caused him to step away from his usual character and treat her in such a manner??
He and I have spoke often of his depth of love for her, he has been moved to tears often in his description of his feelings. I never once question the truth and validity of such. And I still do not. But I do question if he cherishes her; if he loves her in a way that is open and unconditional. I see no compersion from him where she is concerned. He has no empathy for the feelings of others. He seems to simply want things the way he wants them and expects others to conform. I never really saw this side of him until recently and I am truly broken hearted. I have seen him for three years as a rock, an upstanding, honorable, honest (to a fault) and loving man. All things that caused me to fall deeply in love with him.
But recently I wonder if I was blinded by that love. Did I only see what I wanted???
I am still deeply in love with this man; his absence in my life is painful in ways I can’t describe. I hold it together while he is away working, but when he arrives home and walks into the room no amount of self talk keeps me in one piece. I can’t look into his eyes, I can hardly look at him at all without the ache hitting me with a ferocity that leaves me breathless. How I can I be so desperately in love with this man when I mean nothing to him I do not know. More still, how could I have been so blind these three years? I thought I brought something to him, I thought I meant something to him. I see now I was nothing more than a means to an end. All of those times we were together intimately I would gaze into his eyes and smile at him I thought the smile I was given back for sincere. I think now it was given for the sake of placation. I was a nice diversion when he needed physical relief. I have heard him say to me the words “I Love you” and yet I now know they were not meant, they were not real. He could argue that he loved me once but that he wasn’t “IN” love with me. How then if that was true… if he really loved me in any form could he toss me aside in favor of the new relationship he had yet to find. How could he demand I take my family and leave if he felt anything for me?
Our littlest was 14 months old when we brought this family together. She knows nothing else. She thinks Big is as much her Daddy as Fix is. He walked thru the door last night after 2 days away and I could hear her from the next room gleefully calling “ Hi Daddy” to him. I had to excuse myself and give in to yet another sobbing session. The pain of seeing him and not being able to be a part of his life other than that of a pariah, and to hear my baby girl call to her “Daddy” in welcome without any idea that he would cast her aside along with the rest of us was crippling to my heart.
I know one day the pain will lessen, I know eventually I can get thru a day with out tears. I know that the family we have all created together can and will be spectacular. And I know that if he would just back off, relax his hold a bit and let Goddess come to him in her time he would be able to find that which he seeks. He would be able to find his peace and live his life in a way that would bless him in many ways and that as a family we could carry on our mission of raising these beautiful children together and receiving more love and happiness than we could ever expect existed.
~ Temptress

CONGRATS !!!!!! March 20, 2009

We wanted to send our hugs, best wishes and the warmest of blessings to the South Texas Quad and their newest family member, a quad baby scheduled to make her appearance this morning .
Hugs to all of you.

Temptress ~et all

To What Never Was and Still Could Be January 24, 2009

When the four of us “coupled” over three years ago, we had it all figured out.  We talked so much about roles and expectations I figured there was no way we couldn’t make it happen just the way we’d planned.  We all had it down – who would do what, how we would fill in the gaps, how we would all have more and not less in this arrangement.  This is where I could sight so many clichés about how life rarely becomes what you expect, and how each day is a surprise despite one’s better intentions.

 

But I don’t have designs to wax sentimental or paint rosy pictures about what I hoped our lives would be; I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m currently living in a situation that is so far less than ideal for me – or any of us.   I haven’t posted a lot about what is or is not going on in our family, because apparently sharing thoughts, ideas, and opinions tends to ruffle rooster feathers around here.  But since there isn’t a lot of communication going on anyway, I’m just miserable enough not to care if my words raise the ire.  It’s going to happen whether I cause it or the wind blows sideways, so I might as well voice my opinions.

 

I know none of us are happy about our present circumstance, and I think I’d be safe to say all of us are feeling unsettled and understandably irritable at the lack of resolution to what has been a rocky and ongoing roller coaster ride for the last two years.  I’d even venture to say some days we look further from likely solution than we did when we thought things were unbearable.  I guess it goes to prove you never really know how far you can fall.

 

What bothers me the most is how 95% of what we’re going through could have been avoided somewhere along the line.  It’s a choice for any one of us to keep their mouth shut, to say kind and peaceful words, to follow through with promises, to avoid double standards, to keep a civil tongue, to be proactive on offers or invitations, to remember life isn’t always fair, to take turns, to forgive the past, to focus on what’s important, to be a giver rather than a taker, or to say “I still love you” even when we’re feeling wounded.  Come to think of it, those things could totally reverse our fortune even still.

 

I’d love to wake up one morning to find past hurts forgiven and forgotten; to truly be able to move forward without old mistakes haunting us.  I know that it is possible, but I don’t know if it’s probable.  We’re all carrying a tremendous amount of hurt and a certain amount of guilt.  None of us are innocent here, and no one is any more or less to blame.  We all had parts we played.

 

I had a poly friend once use a fascinating analogy for how poly relationships work.  She said relationships are like balancing on a ball.  When two people are involved, they learn when one person bends, moves, or shifts the other must move in a comparable way.  Over time they learn together to predict the other’s move, and how that change effects what they must do.  With poly, as you add more people, every move or change affects each person in turn.  One person moves, so person two moves, that requires person one and three to move, and that move requires persons two and four to shift, which means person one and three have to readjust, and it goes on forever…  Sooner or later, all four are doing this continual tap dance just trying to find stability.

 

That analogy is a great visual for me.  It mentally reminds me of standing on the bow of my father’s fishing boat as he navigated the wake.  Not only do you have to have your sea legs, but you have to sort of anticipate the wave’s movement and depth.  It can be a fun ride if you’re prepared and experienced, and those are two very large IFs.   Our quad was totally experienced and stable as two sets of two.  But we were TOTALLY ill equipped to be a cohesive four.

 

I think we’re  now stuck in that perpetual tap dance mode.  We’re so busy shifting and adjusting we can’t find our stability.  One person can’t stabilize the ball alone, even two can’t do it.  Even all of us working independently won’t do it.  To repair us, to find our security, it will take all four of us working together at the same time, in the same direction, and with the same understanding.  It will take a lot of effort, and I’m quite afraid we’re all exhausted.

 

We tried for a while, and then one of us would get distracted, or get our feelings hurt, or get frustrated, or let anger build.  Or we would all do those things simultaneously.  Those were “everyone go to your own corner and calm down” moments.  Sooner or later, we’d begin to begin…  again.  The fear I have is that eventually, everyone will quite trying at the same time.  Apathy will set in, or the wounds will be too deep to fathom healing.

 

I cannot and will not speak for the Big, Temptress, or Fix, but from where I stand right now, tonight, I know what I want.  I can see it, I can feel it, I can put it into words.  My opinion is that not all of us want the same thing anymore.  Not all of us think this arrangement fills the gaps or gives us all more.  Our realities have diverged; our attitudes and outlooks have been tainted by heartache.

 

What really keeps me awake at night is how four people with such a common goal and vision come to a place where we feel so far apart.   So what do we do now and how do we proceed from here if any one of my loves cannot accept my reality and I refuse to exist in theirs? 

 

Did I change that much?  Did they?  Did the NRE blind me to certain truths?  Did I sacrifice more than I could live without?  Did I promise more than I could follow through?  I have to determine my own truths again before I can be a part of the bigger whole.  And what am I willing to risk this time to bring it all together again?  And what do I stand to loose if we all stop trying?

 

How does one go from having all the answers to having nothing but questions?  I’m beginning to wonder if that isn’t the most enlightened form of evolution.  “The more I learn the more I realize the less I know.”   I once thought questions brought answers, but I see now that ignorance and arrogance is the most dangerous combination in human existence. 

 

~ the laundry goddess, January 24, 2009

Why we are here November 2, 2008

We have been asked often why we began this blog and why we keep at it. Secondarily, we have been thanked over and over again for our openess and honesty and willingness to share even the yucky not so happy parts.

Well.. we do so for several reasons. One of which is becasue when we started this journey there were very few resources and certainly even fewer for quads and even less for those choosing to cohabitate.

Another is because we wanted people to see us real and “normal”. To shed a light on polyamory and help in our very small way to help bring acceptance to our version of an alternate lifestyle.

For all of the reasons I doubt I could have said it any more eloquently than  Tristan Taormino,  the author of  “Opening Up.”

Here is a portion of her blog entry posted 10.16.08….

*** Our society is poised to change dramatically in the next decade. Like other minorities before us, polyamorous people need to come out when it’s safe to do so and educate our loved ones, our neighbors, our doctors and others around us about our lives. We need to tell our stories. I’ve had the privilege to hear the stories of hundreds of people in non-monogamous relationships. Like Leslie from Minnesota whose two husbands supported her through chemotherapy after she was diagnosed with cancer. Or Cat in Oklahoma, who lost custody of her children for being polyamorous. Or a poly circle of four in the Pacific Northwest who have owned a house and raised their kids together for over fifteen years. We must speak our truths. If we don’t tell the world who we are, people are left to imagine, to fall back on stereotypes, to create fictions which don’t represent us.

Larry and Joan Constantine took a leap of faith thirty five years ago and started knocking on doors to find others like them. We need to take a cue from them and start busting down some doors of our own. If we join together, support each other, and increase our visibility, we can only get stronger. And we need our strength because WE are at the forefront of those who will redefine love, commitment, and family in this century. ***

Temptress

Messages October 28, 2008

There was an issue with YM 16 (Drummer Boy) last night. After Fix’s reaction last night and then the anger that was thrown at me this morning, I questioned whether or not the discipline that was handed was appropriate. I was planning to blog and to ask you, our readers your opinion.  Much to my surprise I see Fix has beaten me to it.

 

There was a time in my life, pre-marriage, when I aspired to be the perfect mother. I was once praised by friends and family to have the “patience of Job.”  I played a very incremental role in the raising of my brother (12 years my junior) as well as my roommate’s two daughters, born while we were young college students. And then I married Fix and became the instant mother to a 3 yr old daughter.  Unknown to me at the time, this little girl would test everything I had or believed about parenting. And in fact would change me and the way I parented, and was not a change that was for the better. Her emotional issues are still a struggle for myself and family to this day.

 

Over time the patience I once had, diminished.  The mother I aspired to be disappeared and I became a shoot first ask questions later sort of parent.  My own bio children were being parented in a way I knew was fundamentally incorrect, but I felt trapped and unable to make the change I needed to. And then our oldest turned 18 and left home and I was going thru the “finding myself” phase I have spoke of before. I was making baby steps toward change, but with no backup from Fix, the changes were small.

 

When the quad came together I found strength and support with Goddess and Big to be the mother I always knew I had in me to be. To parent a way that empowered my children and kept their self esteem from taking a bruising. More than anything else I think this threw Fix. Of all the changes I was making, this one was HUGE and was just one more thing in me he did not recognize.

 

For the last 3 years I have found the patience that was once buried, I have discovered my ability to listen and then to weigh all of the points of matter and create a discipline that will teach a lesson and not tear down the self esteem of a young person.

 

I was given a lot of wonderful messages as a child. And I was also given a few messages that hurt and that I fight daily to overcome. I know I am far from perfect and that I will leave scars on my children, but it is my sincere hope that the positive messages far outweigh the negative and when they reach a point in their lives that they look back at their time as children, they see and understand I did my very best to show them that they were loved and valued and that when a wrong was committed I was able to act fairly and attention paid to teaching a lesson without harming their psyche or belittling them.

 

The issue over the weekend was a young man showing very poor judgment. He took money from my purse to purchase time on an online game site. When I realized said funds were missing ( $20) , I questioned certain members of the household including Drummer Boy . He as well as the others denied any responsibility.

In an offhand conversation, Scout  ( YM14) mentioned that he and Drummer Boy had discovered new things on said online game, thanks to the new membership status of Drummer Boy.

I did some investigation on price of game and method of purchase used and then compared that to what I  knew of Drummer Boys whereabouts and finances ( he had been given $10 the day before for gas for his moped and dinner at the H.S. Football game  his JROTC crew was presiding as security for), and came to the conclusion that indeed he was responsible.

 

When I discussed my suspicion with Fix his immediate answer was that since money was taken then the punishment should fit the crime and we should take money in return. Money in the form of Drummer Boys birthday cash. I should also take his moped keys for a period of time not determined.

 

While the birthday person is the one who receives the gifts, it is my view that the reason we celebrate a birthday is to celebrate the person and their place in our lives and to show our love and appreciation for them by the gifts we give.

 

I refused to use his birthday gift as discipline and requested other options, and in fact wanted the four parents to discuss it. Big came in preparing to leave for an appt. I asked if he had time to talk he said he really should be leaving…. Fix got upset at that response and left the house to return to his apt. leaving the discipline in my (our) hands.

 

I called Drummer boy in and discussed the matter with him, letting him know I had a lot of circumstantial evidence and that I suspected him of wrongdoing. It took 30 minutes of me sitting silently and waiting for him to come to terms with his deeds. But it paid off.

He was able to finally look up and look me in the eye and admit to the deed AND to apologize. This was a HUGE step for this boy given his history. I knew what I did from here was going to  mean more than a discipline. I needed him to see that I knew how hard admittance was, that I was appreciative of the apology and that what he had done was wrong and carried a consequence.

 

In my mind, since he took the money to buy something he wanted, a fitting consequence was to do without that thing which he purchased and then some. So he was grounded from all computers for a period of 90 days, the term of the online membership. I also logged in to his account, changed the account address to my email and changed the password so IF he tries to use it at a friends house he can not access it. I also advised him, that upon employment in the coming weeks, his first paycheck will be dedicated to making sure I receive compensation for the funds taken.

 

Also, driving his moped is a privilege, one given out of trust. Since he told me he was using his moped for purpose A, and in fact used it to commit his dastardly deed, he has lost his moped for a period of 4 weeks. And finally, just because I have begged him to do it for 3 weeks…. I have restricted him from going anywhere until his room is clean to the Mommies standard.

 

These punishments may seem light to Fix, but I am of the opinion that it suitable. I will say this. If Drummer Boy had not admitted to wrong doing and had not apologized of his own accord then I had other consequences in store, along similar lines, but more tough.

I needed to reward his honesty, not tear him down and yet offer a discipline that was painful and would convey to him that his actions were out of line. I think I have accomplished that.

 

We as humans are not meant to remain the same. We are always evolving and changing.

And as painful as it if for those who knew me before to accept, this is me now. And I hope in the end I am a better me.

I hope that I have become the kind of mother my children need me to be. I hope that I am able to impart messages to them that conveys my love, and teaches lessons that they can take into life and be strong, healthy and honorable adults.

 

One thing I have learned in my journey is that not everyone gets healthy messages. And sometimes it takes a persons  entire life to overcome the negative messages that they were taught as children. And some people are never able to.

 

Temptress

 

“One hundred years from now it will not matter what your bank account was, the sort of house you lived in, or the kind of car you drove; but the world may be different because you were important in the life of a child.”

Just Friends September 3, 2008

I was answering questions on OKC today….

I was asked:

 

Which of the following relationship timelines would you prefer?

 

1.    Attraction > lovers > love > friends

2.    Friends > love > attraction > lovers

3.    Attraction > friends > love > lovers

4.      Attraction > friends > lovers > love

 

So I answered #3, what most people I think would have answered. While perusing the answers however I realized for the most part #1 is what describes or described Big and myself.

 

Three years ago we found an attraction to each other. Well I did anyway, I won’t speak for him as to what exactly the attraction for him was ( the thrill of the hunt I am guessing).

Very quickly after the attraction we moved to stage 2 and became lovers. I was satisfied with this, as I am going to assume he was. Then after 4 months of living together my defenses lowered and a weekend away changed everything for me. I fell in love with him. And reveled in stage 3.

 

So that is where things stood for me until last week. I knew that he cared for me, I also knew he was not “in-love” with me, I knew that he was camped at stage 2.  I was under the stupid and mis-guided assumption that I could love him enough for both of us. Until last week … I realized after over hearing a conversation he had with Goddess that what I thought he felt for me… well even that was a fantasy on my part. I was expendable, I was a thorn in his side where she was concerned, I was competition for him in her affections, I was a commitment he had made, and really nothing more than that.

 

So now I am trying to find a way to convince my heart that it is time to move to the 4^th stage, to the stage of friends. It is time to let him go, to help my heart and my mind find the path to releasing him and coming to a place where I can breathe, where being in the same room with him doesn’t cause me to fall apart, where I can sleep at night, rather than lie awake wanting to feel his arms around me.

It is time for my heart to come to grips with reality and find a way for us to be just friends and housemates.

 

Temptress

The Long and Winding Road September 1, 2008

 “The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I’ve seen that road before
It always leads me here…”

It has been a long 9 months since the night I asked Fix to leave the family home.

Initially the intention was a 3-6 month therapeutic separation. Unfortunately we have surpassed the expected time frame, however I can say with great joy we are on the right track.

Somewhere in the vicinity of mid-July we turned a corner. I can not say what it was exactly that caused the winds to change, but change they did.

The happy smiling man I married almost 18 years ago, the caring warm hearted bear I shared with Goddess 3 years ago, the Daddy the children have waited for, has returned.

We are still taking things slowly, one day at a time, but now we know that each day brings us closer to being  under one roof again. Each day brings our family closer to being healed and whole.

 

~Temptress

 

The Legacy of G.I. Joe August 30, 2008

Today Fix was at the house hanging out with us, helping work on a few things around the house, having dinner, and playing around with the kids.  Casanova (YM8) came through the dinning area after dinner with a bandana on his arm like a sling, announcing he had a broken arm.  Then he proceeded to take it off and use it for a parachute, launching some appropriately sized boy toys over the banister into the foyer below.

 

Fix decide he was going to make The Most Amazing Parachute Ever and then he calls to Casanova and says, “Bring me your G.I. Joe!” 

 

“Huh?  What’s that?”  says the boy.

 

Fix replies aghast, “What do you mean, “What’s that?”  It’s G.I. JOE!  Everybody knows what G.I. Joe is.  What’s wrong here?”  We could hear him huff from the other room.  Temptress and I began to chuckle from our office.

 

Our families have had such different backgrounds; I honestly never thought to introduce the boy to G.I. Joe.  His two older brothers didn’t have such toys either.  No guns, no green army men, and no other types of military or war items.  In fact, the closest thing to cowboys and Indians they ever got was Toy Story’s Buzz and Woody.  Not that I’m against these toys, (ok, I’m a passivist, so maybe I influenced that a little, but…) they just didn’t ever enter the picture as something I would have chosen for them, nor did they ever ask for such.

 

I was raised in a house of women.  No brothers, no father, not even any uncles, cousins, or boy friends that were around enough to have any type of influence in gender roles for this little girl.  I was always immersed in “feminine” play things:  baby dolls, Barbie, Holly Hobbie, and Easy Bake Oven.  There was a boy about my age, the son of my mother’s friend, who had G.I. Joes.  When we were in our early elementary years, he would bring them and play with me and my Barbies.  This, of course, was never a first choice of play time for either of us, but as long as we were forced together, we made the best of it.

 

Suffice to say, my boys have been gifted toys of art, music, building sets, books, sports equipment, camping and scout gear, games that teach, and now that they are older, some video games.  OK, I’ll admit it, yes, I’m one of those moms.  But I’m learning to relax a little and accept that boys will indeed be boys and that is still ok.  Not that my boys are prissy, but they are far from the other end of the spectrum.

 

Big isn’t much of a macho guy either.  For those of you that know him, he’s totally a “Suit.”  He hikes and camps and does the scout thing and an occasional fishing trip with his Dad, but he doesn’t hunt or have any hobbies that require weapons.  He isn’t much of a sports fan and most months no one in the house even has a clue what season it happens to be.  (The only exception being high school football, but we’re there for the marching band, LOL)  Anyway, you get the picture.  Back to tonight…

 

Fix stands there in our craft room, eyes amusingly mocking me, and asks in a humorously indignant tone exactly what kind of a mother I am not buying the boy a G.I. Joe.  “That’s a sacrilege, you know.”  I smile politely and told him what I told you, it just never entered my head to do so.  He rolls his eyes and takes one look at the pajama clad boy and says, “Go get your shoes on.”

 

At 30 minutes ‘til bedtime, Fix and the underprivileged boy head out to our local oversized-under priced-multi purpose-store-for-everything (ya, you know the one) in search of that thing he couldn’t wait another minute to own.  And I glowed.  THIS is what our family is all about.

 

Sometimes polyamory gets a bad wrap.  People get all hung up on the multiple relationships between the adults.  But as far as I am concerned, there is nothing like the love and bonding I see between my children and the others that we now consider family.

 

Just like one person cannot possibly meet the needs of another, in my estimation, even two parents cannot possibly cover all the facets of childhood.  My kids need my OCD tendencies and love for culinary creations, Big’s mathematical intellect and risk management style, Temptress’ technical expertise and relaxed approach to life, and they most certainly benefit from Fix’s mechanical brilliance and his heart for those really important things like G.I. Joes.

 

It’s now WAY past bedtime, and all the really big kids in the house are at the kitchen table oohing and ahhing over the tiny sized weapons and green army tank.  But it’s a Saturday night and we’re making memories over here.

 

~the laundry goddess, August 30, 2008

Tape August 19, 2008

In today’s society people today seem to look for a quick easy solution to life’s larger problems. It’s like everyone thinks slapping on some tape on a struggling relationship will solve everything. Personal relationships aren’t that simple.

Relationships in all forms, whether they be business or personal, need to be fostered from the beginning with great care. You can’t just stop after offering services to a client in a particular way, throw up your hands and say “I QUIT!”. Then a year later start offering the same wonderful customer service as you did in the beginning.  Expecting your client to welcome it unconditionally.

Individuals have expectations of each other. If you build a relationship with the expectation that you will be a constant variable or convince them you can offer assistance, they will expect it.  They will request it. Of course expectations also lead to a level of stress on your part, but you can’t just quit without recourse. Parties who don’t deliver on expectations loose respect and belief from other half.

Change is an inevitable part of relationships. Couples with successful marriages of 60 years will tell you stories of turbulence and change. Companies such as Apple and Kellogg’s can tell you incredible stories of major strategy and innovative change. Do not be naive to think any successful partnerships had a blast guiding the other halves through change. People will resist change. Gentle, consistent guidance and support in the direction of change will guide the resistant through it. Not easy, but consistency is the key.

Consistency.

Honesty.

 Integrity.

Sincerity.

Relationships broken, both business and personal, cannot be fixed with a quick solution. Some relationships must weather the change. People need to come to terms with the reality that relationships on the brink of breaking cannot be repaired in a last ditch effort. Not a hastily applied piece of tape nor a day of insincere actions will wash away how the relationship was fostered during the early days or the rough waves.

Time and care will be what is required. If one is diligent and sincere and truly desirous of reparations, then in time, that which is wanted so dearly will be achieved.

 

Temptress

Assumptions August 12, 2008

 

It never ceases to amaze me how a person can look at another and create assumptions about who they are and what they are about.

 

There have been numerous times over these last three years that we have left restaurants etc. snickering and giggling over the perplexed looks the waiter, clerk or other employ has worn in their quest to discern which wife belongs to which husband, which child goes with what mommy/daddy or why the hell is that man kissing two women. I am certain our poly life and the actions we take out in public confuse those in the land of normal.

 

On some occasions the person is so very blatant about their need to figure it out that we enjoy goosing them, playing a little cat and mouse for our enjoyment.

 

Today, my Goddess and I were out taking care of mommy duties free and unencumbered by the children who have all now returned to the land of quality education when we for the first time did not need to goose the person with the assumption…. She goosed herself.

 

LM3 will be taking ballet one day a week at her pre-school. This caused our LM’s 6 and 8 to beg longingly for ballet as well. So my Goddess and I stopped by the ballet school to register the two girls and pay up their first month. We have considered ourselves family from day one and to most people we refer to ourselves as a “blended” family when asked.

When filling out the girls applications today, we decided to fill out only one for ease. The form was made to accommodate more than one child so we thought this was a good choice for all concerned. The form asked for father’s name first, which I drew a line thru and wrote “mother” and then followed it with my name. On the next line that asked for mother I wrote  LG’s name.

 

During the course of the class choosing we had explained that the girls lived together and we were a blended family. When it came time to pay we handed her the amount listed for signing up two children from a family (a $5 discount). We were not looking for a discount per say, really five bucks isn’t going to break us, but in the scheme of things we consider ourselves family, and when we present ourselves as such we expect to be given the same treatment/benefits of such.

 

The woman says to us that since the girls aren’t really sisters we aren’t considered a family. We both state to her again that we are a blended family, we live in the same home and while they are not “sisters” we do consider ourselves family and they do call themselves sisters. Before we could explain further the woman’s eyes widened slightly and she said no problem, she would accept the discount amount. And then she followed it by saying  most women from families like ours, come out and say so right away, she didn’t understand our “situation” at first.

 

It took LG and I both about 2 seconds to realize that the woman had decided that since no fathers names were on the application, and that we had presented ourselves as family and living together, that in fact we were a lesbian couple.

 

She spent the remainder of our time there tripping all over herself. She had created an assumption that no matter how wrong (or right) it may have been, she now felt completely flustered by. LG and I did nothing to dissuade her from her chosen assumption, but neither did we do anything to show her she was “wrong”. Over the course of the next 9 months we will be at that dance studio on a weekly basis and in time she will come to know us and our girls and there will be enough evidence to show the real make up of our household.

 

While we are not hiding our lifestyle any longer per say, for the protection of our children we are not flaunting it. And we have also come to the conclusion that if people get to know us and our kids and then find us to be “normal” and our children well adjusted and happy, then when the “truth” comes out it will be a small blip on their radar and in some way we will have been able to show that families that are different are really just as normal as everyone else.

 

But in the end, what is normal?

 

Temptress

Here I go again July 16, 2008

Ok… so here is yet again ANOTHER blog about friend-girls. Well maybe not friend-girls specifically. I think we have a whole new label now, girlfriend.

 

So first a refresher.

 

The four of us came together and we agreed on being a closed  poly fidelitous quad. In fact when we committed to each other and exchanged rings on New Years Eve solidifying the relationships, the words Big wrote and recited to me promised me  fidelity. This I have banked on all along.

 

For those that have read our blog from beginning to present know that somewhere along the way Big decided he couldn’t be polyamorous unless he could practice “real” polyamory. His definition of real means open, at least emotionally open.

 

This caused a lot of pain and hurt feelings on my part and Goddess had issues with it as well. Eventually it was explained to us and we came to understand that he was not seeking new lovers. In his words he only wanted other women he could be close to emotionally. To care for, to love as friends, and yet not be physically involved with. Eventually Goddess and I came to accept his need for the now labeled “friend-girls”.

 

In the realm of friend-girls, they would be email, IM, and phone friends. They would be liked , respected and offered a deep and personal friendship.

O.k… I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. But I accepted it, that was a level I could be comfortable with, I could tease him about his friend-girls and yet know that while they were close in emotional ways there was no physical interaction other than a hug or kiss on the cheek if there was ever an opportunity to meet in person.

 

Near Easter, Big found a loop hole and he stretched it wide to create a door he felt he could walk thru with no obligation to any previous promises or parameters of relationships set forth.

Out of  respect and care for the two people who inadvertently created this loop hole I will expand no further. But I will say when it occurred, Goddess and I both feel that Big saw a stage being set that would work to his advantage and he acted upon it.

 

All of a sudden and without warning he began to pursue a relationship that unbeknown   to us, he intended to take physical. And when confronted he admitted that he was unwilling to practice any sort of fidelity any longer.

Goddess did however ask Big to respect our “speed of the slowest ” clause and to scale back his pursuit giving me/us time to come to a place of possible acceptance.

I did tell him that while I could not promise a change of heart, I would promise to at least try to move towards acceptance. There was no time limit requested or stated.

 

Big has apparently decided that 3 1/2 months is long enough. And so there are friend-girls and there are now what Goddess and I expect to be full fledged girl-friends.  And there is where the problems really begin.

 

I have never for one single moment been under any illusion about the depth of feeling or lack thereof that Big has for me. He and I walked into this expecting to be friends, to love each other as friends and as lovers. Goddess would always be our hinge point.

 

I was the one who purposefully let my guard down. I was the one who allowed a weekend away to set my heart free and to open myself up to love him freely and fully.

In fact, Fix urged me to do so, he hoped I would find the depth of feeling with Big that he and Goddess had found with each other.

 

I admit that I would be amazingly happy if Big developed  real feelings of romantic love, if he crossed over to the “in-love” side of things my world would be a much brighter place. But, I am content with his level of care. I do not expect nor demand any more than he can give and I am at ease for the most with my place as secondary in his life.

 

After a recent  evening of intimacy I snuggled against his chest and made a statement referring to my depth of feeling for him. I expected no such declaration back, but what I did get, set me back on my heels a bit. His reply was “ I wish I did love you that way”. Ok.. not to bad, but then it was quickly followed by a sentiment that he hoped he could find that level of love with a future girl-friend.

 

WHOA…. Ok. Ummmmm wait. I said I love you .. I was told I don’t love you that much AND I hope I can find someone else to love that much ( paraphrasing here).

 

OUCH OUCH OUCH. Not that there is ever a time or place for such a declaration, but fresh off the heels of making love to someone is definitely NOT the time.

So the stage is now set for my now very poor frame of mind.

Over the course of the next few days talks begin about his renewed interest in additional lovers. Gone are the days of emotional only friend-girls. He wants full fledged romantic, in-love, fully sexual relationships.

 

When I asked him how he expected me to deal with watching him ride off into the sunset with the newest love of his life, while I settled  into my place as the only friend-girl who lived in the same house as him and now not held in the same regard as the new love. He responded that he expected I would be happy for him.

 

Happy for him … maybe, and only because I love him. Happy for the woman who stepped into the place I dearly want in his heart…doubtful. In fact it brings all manner of emotions and feelings that I can’t even begin to name.

 

While I could say the bruising and battering that my heart will take is my main reason for  my resistance to the full girl-friend thing, I can honestly say no that is secondary, no… probably further down than that.

 

My biggest and most primary reason is fear. I left the dating game almost 20 years ago.

My mother ran a hospice for AIDS patients that Fix and I were heavily involved in. I have buried more friends and acquaintances than I can count. Over 25 in a 6 month period alone. I have seen a healthy vibrant life ravaged and stamped out in less than a year. My own brother, who has been in a monogamous gay relationship of over 14 years was diagnosed with HIV 8months ago, and now battles that and lymphoma. I know the nasty scaries that are out there. And I want no part off them.

 

And the argument can be made , what if we become fluid bonded with one of his new girls…. Ok sure. And his girl has another lover and this other lover is less than honest unbeknownst to us. And we go about life thinking we are safe and bonded. And then oops.

No, sorry, NOT a chance I am willing to take.

 

In between my feelings and my fear of disease lies the feelings of Goddess. I know how she would feel if he took on another lover or lovers. And if for no other reason than the protection of her heart I remain opposed to adding any other lovers.

 

Friend-girls, while I am not jumping up and down with glee over the idea… you are accepted and in some odd way, welcome in our small square.

 

To those with designs of romance and intimacy, be very certain you understand there are more than your feelings or his in this equation. There is a family, because really when you take the sex out of it, that is what we are. We are a committed, bonded family of four parents and 10 children, all of whom care about and respect the others as part of our family unit and we are all committed to each other and what we have built, even in trying and difficult times.

 

Temptress

 

Polyamory, Polyamorous, Poly Fidelitous, or Just Plain Poly June 18, 2008

I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.

Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.

A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.

Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.

And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.

Just a thought or two to ponder.

 

Temptress

Changes in Attitudes, Changes in Latitudes June 1, 2008

I was hoping to have more photos to post, but my IT gal is snoozing, so I thought I’d give everyone who’s been so supportive an update on our hikers.  They’re home.

 

It wasn’t the plan, but you know how plans go…  Temptress and I drove up to Franklin, NC on Saturday with the intentions of bringing supplies for our hikers.  Along the way, we get a call from Big, saying YM15 took a mighty step down and jarred his knee, which he had been babying for a while anyway.  They were able to get him on a trail shuttle down to one of the budget hotels.  From there the manager, out of the goodness of his heart, shuttled him over to the hotel where we were staying the night.  Once at our hotel, the day manager let him check in early, where he was able to shower and ice the knee until the mommies arrived.  While I’m on this vein, let me just say Mountain Folk may be simple, but the ones we ran into were genuinely nice and very accommodating of the hikers.

 

We arrived to check on YM15 just in time to check in (officially) to our rooms and offload our trunk full of supplies.  We them hoped back into the vehicle and headed twelve miles up a large hill to gather Big and YM13 from the trail crossing.  Not nearly as stinky or exhausted as I expected, they took Temptress and I about 500 yards back into the woods to see the most precious rock waterfall.  This was “the most water we’ve seen in one place” since they’d begun the hike.  Figures.

 

After all our weary hikers were clean, we headed out for dinner and then a late night stop at the local coin laundry to allow them clean and dry clothing for the next leg of the hike.  We saw nothing but droopy heads and wilting eyelids during the few hours we ate and washed.  After seven days on the trail, they all felt like they were finally getting their “trail legs” and were ready for the next phase; another week into the next town where they were to meet up with another scout friend for a fun guy’ day.

 

Unfortunately, a few factors began to bear down and in the span of about 30 minutes over breakfast the plans changed quickly.  Weather was a HUGE aspect and the injury, although not terrible, would have damped the situation even worse.  After a quick pow-wow between the fellas, the Mommies were informed we’d be traveling home together and the guys would finish that portion of the hike at summer’s end.  So we packed up the vehicle and here we are… safe and sound at home with three boys never so happy to see running water and soft beds.

 

Thanks for all of you who’ve sent well wishes and have emailed to check on our guys.  They had a wonderful, fun, and relatively uneventful first trip out.  Check back later for photos posted to this entry.

 

~ the laundry goddess, June 1, 2008

Dad's and their kids…. and summertime plans May 26, 2008

Hi Ho Readers !

We have an adventure underfoot ! Or two even.

Fix and LM 13 decided late Saturday night to make an impromptu trip to MI to visit family, fish, ride horses and generally relax. They are going to have a great time !! They left here with a loaded van Sunday morning, making good time and arriving at their destination mid-evening Sunday.

A quick phone call this morning clued us in to some fishing and horsing adventure for the day… ahhhh Here’s to a relaxing trip. We’ll keep ya’ll updated in their fun.

Mr. Big and our boys aged 15 and 13 have set out on an adventure. Yesterday morning Goddess and I drove them to their start point for what will be a 165 mile hike through the North Carolina/Georgia portion of the Appalachian Trail. They got in a few hours of hiking yesterday… close to 6 miles.. very good given the lateness of the hour of our arrival at the start point.

They got cell phone service this morning and called to let us know they had a great night near the river and a centipede escapade in their shoes this morning. It was straight uphill the first few hours and they crested their first summit around 9 a.m. after 2+ hours on the trail. Big’s phone has a camera and email so he will be sending pics and updates which we will post here as often as we can.

Goddess and I took a few pics yesterday which I will post right here on this blog entry… so check back in a day.. two at most.

Goddess and I are home with LM 15, 8,6,3 and YM’s 10 & 8. until LM 13 arrives home next Sunday. It is odd to have such few children…. but sort of nice because given their ages we can make fun and easy meals which gives Goddess and I a bit of a break in the kitchen.

We have plans to un-pack the last few boxes remaining from the move, organize the garage and it’s contents (seasonal storage, off season clothes and yard equip.) and set some schedules and plans for keeping the kids entertained throughout the summer.

Last summer we spent so much time on the remodel of the house (we no longer occupy), that we looked up and realized summer was gone and the kids pretty much had to entertain themselves. We don’t want to repeat that mistake this year.

Also, LM15 is about to start her first job. YM 15 will be spending a few weeks in MI after he gets off the AT trail… his return home will include employment for him as well. We are realizing very quickly as two of our eldest kids move into the arena of jobs, 2nd years of High School and more active social and extra curricular activities that we only have a few years left with them under roof.
Goddess and I have been very guilty of letting our lives live us these recent years rather than us living purposefully….. so we want to be very certain we are present and living our lives with our own intent and purpose from here out.

The kids are growing and changing, and while we look forward to one day having the freedom that being childless allows, we also realize these years are precious and we don’t want to let them slip away.

We’ll keep you all updated as we can on the summer goings on and our wayward travelers.

~ Temptress

Surviving Our Poly Summers May 19, 2008

Well, here I sit in the last hours of scholastically granted peaceful freedom.  In less than a week all nine of our children will be out of school for summer break.

 

I love my children, and I love being around them and spending time with them.  The older they get, the more I enjoy my moments with them.  The more mature they become, the more I appreciate their God(dess) given personalities.  What I don’t care for is the noise and the mess and the constant on call status of being Mommy on duty 24/7/12.  And for those of you who’ve asked, this is precisely the reason I/we don’t homeschool.

 

Before I launch into the whole “how I keep my sanity over the summer” thing, let me take this moment for a brief aside while I step up on my soap box about year round schooling.  For those of you who’ve heard this incantation before, feel free to skip down a few paragraphs.

 

~~~

 

Traditionally, the summer break was intended to offset the effects of empty classroom by purposefully closing the one room school house for the period of time when the children, boys in particular, would be taken out of school to help tend the farm and harvest the crops.  In an agricultural community I can see the need to do that.  However, we now live in the information age.

 

Time is money, and I don’t know of any occupation outside the educational system that allows three month vacations or large gaps in the learning curve.  I’ve known a lot of people in other states (welcome to the south, ya’ll) that have pulled off year round schooling with remarkable success.  My ex step brother, in fact, spent many of his years in year round situations and not only did he love it, but it functions much better for the working family.  Let me illustrate…

 

My preferred schedule is the 9 weeks on, 3 weeks off rotation.  This is a nice compartmentalized unit of time that allows the full coverage of a study unit and aren’t schools already organized in such sections? There are plenty of other good opportunities for year round including easier day care options, saving on vacationing during off times, utilization of buildings and protection from vandalism, more flex hours for teachers with track systems, and less attrition between learning segments.  I could rant on and on, but I won’t, I digress.

 

And BTW, if you’re a teacher, I’d love to dialogue with you about the pros and cons.  Give me an email, as I’m looking for a more informed opinion from those “on the inside.”  Ok, back to the topic at hand.

 

~~~

 

If we’re forced by antiquated ideology into long periods of inactivity, what does one do to keep the kids entertained and out of trouble for twelve long weeks?  That is precisely the problem at hand.

 

I cannot speak for anyone else, but we have not been in a financial position to take a full family vacation in years.  The adults have had some weekends away, and the children, through various clubs and groups, have had some travel opportunities, but as a whole there has been no ability to pack up and go somewhere for the purpose of doing nothing somewhere else.  It’s a goal, of course, but not yet a reality.  If you are in a place to vacation, that can take up a week or two.  Two down, ten to go.

 

My answer is structure.  The kids are already used to it and they seem to respond well to knowing what is expected of them and what comes next.  Even if you are not born organized or a list maker, summer is definitely a time to rev up those skills for your own benefit.

 

The Family Calendar

 

When I am getting the summer plan together, first I consult the family calendar.  It hangs on the wall next to our refrigerator and everything goes on there first.  Are there any big plans, VBS, summer camps, or family trips coming up?  Make sure these are well marked.  And that leads me to another suggestion; each family member has their own color ink.  We bought one of those twelve color Sharpie packages and assigned colors.  Bold and black is for full family events.

 

Daily Schedules and Chore charts

 

Summertime is for fun and relaxing, yes, but vegging out all day to television or video games is a major no-no at our house.  Those activities are limited to rainy days, rewards, or limited time frames.  We have certain jobs that help our family function and those are posted and everyone knows what to expect.  This is stepped up in the summer time.  However your family chooses to allot responsibilities, make sure they are printed out and posted somewhere visible.  I always announce a new chore chart and daily schedule with my full Vanna White persona.

 

Weekly Activities

 

Work and fun can go hand in hand.  Together we brainstorm with the children lists of things we want to do (picnics, playground, swimming, movie nights, water wars, backwards day, play dates) and try to scatter them throughout the weeks.  We may not always be able to do our fun thing on Wednesday afternoons, but I try at least once a week to surprise them with a super fun memory.  Maybe we set up the slip ‘n slide or pack a picnic and walk up to the playground for lunch.  If it’s raining, bake cookies.  Whatever you do, mark it on the calendar, even if it’s after the fact, that way when you hear, “Mom, we never do anything fun,” you can run to the calendar and point.  See?  Right there in black and white.

 

Our Personal Plans

 

The biggest thing on the horizon for us is a guy adventure trip.  Big is a hiking enthusiast and will be taking sons 15 and 13 through a 165 mile section of the Appalachian Trail.  They are hoping to complete ten to twelve miles a day and be off the trail in about two weeks, but they have extra time allotted just in case they want to “slow down and enjoy the scenery.”

 

Also this summer our family has access to the neighborhood pool, which is something we did not have the privilege of enjoying the last two summers.  We plan on morning trips to the pool several times each week.

 

We have camps coming out our ears; band camp, scout camps (boys, weeblos, and cubs), music camps, vacation bible school, and color guard practice are all on the schedule.  Some kids are going to visit family out of state and others will be looking for odd jobs to make money.  All the while the Mommies will be working diligently to complete the unpacking process.

 

Whatever you do this summer, do it on purpose.  Make a promise to yourself not to let life happen to you and the kids this summer.  Make some time, make some plans, and make some memories.

 

~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008

Awaiting Roast Duck May 19, 2008

I’m the type that only opens my fortune cookies because the people I am with request it of me.  Then I do so with a certain amount of expected humor.  I occasionally read my horoscope for sheer entertainment, and I take with a grain of salt most advice given me by those in my life who “only want the best for me.”

 

Where I do pay slightly more attention is to those famous quotes and poignant thoughts for the day that tend to frequent message boards and “be the best you that you can be” speeches.  Some are serious, some comic; but an odd sense of truth lies in each one of them.

 

Lately I’ve found myself repeating one of my favorites… “Confucius say Hungry Man who stand on side of mountain with mouth open waiting for roast duck to fly in, got loooong wait.”  Now I’m quite certain Confucius did not say that, but that to-the-point visual is thought provoking.

 

Because this is one of my favorite quotes, I can rattle it off without much thought, but most recently it got me to thinking…  How often do we as people lilt through life thinking the universe or anyone in particular owes us something?

 

I used to be of the opinion that the worst thing we could do as adults was to be apathetic to the issues around us.  Now I believe I have discovered a human condition that in my opinion is even worse.  I am constantly amazed at how many people totally abdicate their right to think.  An addendum to that is how people act in such an irresponsible manner and then are totally shocked when unfavorable consequences come about.

 

Why people are content to merely sit in metaphorical mud puddles of their own making, wanting desperately to escape, but doing nothing more than lamenting their sad circumstances to whomever they can get to listen is something I cannot understand and have an even harder time tolerating.  Why the human psyche feels the need to act contrarily to its desires has always been a source of continued bewilderment.  I am often puzzled by the behavior of others; most of the time it simply isn’t logical. 

 

Perhaps I was given a gift during my impressionable years.  This gift would be the truth of “life isn’t always fair and no one owes you a damn thing.”  Life lessons 101 should start off with, “whatever it is in this life you want, expect that you will have to get off your rear end and work hard to get it.”  This work ethic does not pertain only to material possessions, but relationships as well.

 

Dale Carnegie has hundreds of wonderful quotes about this very topic.  (And, as an aside, if you’ve never read How to Win Friends and Influence People, it’s a timeless classic and full of very effective relationship advice.  Or, if you want the Cliff Notes version, try Googling Dale Carnegie quotes.)  “Feeling sorry for yourself, and you present condition, is not only a waste of energy but the worst habit you could possibly have.”

 

So why is it so many people have this very bad habit?  IMO, its just for whatever reason some have not been exposed to the idea or have not been willing to accept that seldom in this life are situations fully to blame on someone else.  I fight this battle everyday with our kids.  “He made me spill my drink” or “She made me mad” are comments I hear everyday in our house.  They’ll also raise my ire faster than any other childish action.

 

Since when can anyone MAKE you do anything?  Especially in this day and age, forced coersion is a rare occurance.  Its all about our choices – choices about how we think about a situation and choices about how we react to a situation.  And I think many times our reactions are controlled by unwillingness to be proactive.

 

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.” (yes, also spoken by Dale Carnegie and while we’re at it, one more…)  “Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves.”

 

Ok, so your life sucks?  Then here is my advice for you…  Wake up each day and thank the creator for the day; sun, rain, or peaceful clouds – whatever it is, be grateful.  Get yourself dressed and be proud of the way you look; put your best foot forward.  Leave for the day thinking you’ll make a difference and learn something worthwhile.  In everything you undertake, give it your best effort.  With everyone you have contact, treat them respectfully and leave them with a smile.  Go to bed each night and review the things that happened right in your life that day.  Determine to make tomorrow better.

 

If that doesn’t work for you?  Read a good book, find a hobby that brings you pleasure, or do something nice for someone without thought of what you’ll get out of it.  Try donating your pocket change to someone that needs it, volunteer for a good cause, or give without taking.  Want to make it personal?  Call someone special and tell them that you love them.  Look deeply into the eyes of your child and honestly tell them three things they do wonderfully.  Find a little way to make a big impact.

 

I wholeheartedly believe when you take the chip off your soulder and your eyes off yourself and begin to focus on others, suddenly your own life has  more purpose and the world begins to be a better place. 

 

~the laundry goddess, May 19, 2008

 

“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive.” ~Dale Carnegie

 

“Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar” ~Benjamin Franklin

 

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else” ~Benjamin Franklin

Revolutions and Evolutions May 16, 2008

I have avoided blogging for numerous months in attempts to not add any additional fuel to our ongoing fires. Every other major poly challenge we went through lasted days or weeks. This one seems to go on and on with no end in sight. I don’t think it is actually a poly problem. This was probably a marriage issue that was lying dormant in a dyad relationship that the complexities of the quad brought to the surface. Poly didn’t cause the problems; it created enough of a safety net that the problems could be faced. Fix might not have had a breakdown if his family wasn’t going to be provided for in his absence. Temptress might have given in to his demands or never allowed challenges to ever see the light of day if we hadn’t been there for her and the kids as a backup. It is amazing how much one will allow when no other options seem to exist.

I can argue both sides of preserving a marriage at all cost. We all agree that the children are the most important part of our lives at this stage. Creating a warm and loving environment for them is our highest priority. I want to do everything I personally can to further this endeavor but in doing so, I never want anyone to feel replaced by me.

As challenging as Fix’s outburst can be, I feel like I’m partially shielded from them. They are always directed at the women and since he’s not in the household at present, I usually hear about them secondhand. Additionally, YM15 came back from his therapeutic camp a changed person. He’s had over a month back home and seems to have his anger issues under control. He’s still a teenager with everything such an age entails, but he’s back to a level that is acceptable. He will even be joining me and YM13 for a three week stint on the Appalachian Trail at the end of the month. For me to feel comfortable being the only parent with him for that period of time should tell you how much he has improved.

The changes in the household have allowed me to focus more on business, finances, and the 1001 things required for our move last month. Procurement of a house for this size crew was challenging enough before we even packed the first box. With a declining real estate market, I chose to rent for the next year instead of buying. Finding a landlord with a large enough house that was willing to rent to a family with nine children provided hours and hours of entertainment.

After two and a half years of polyamory, I’m seeing some common threads in many polyfolk I’ve met. The couple looking for a unicorn (hot bi-babe) willing to drop everything and adopt the original couple’s life seems to be a often repeated first step. Poly-fi seems to fit for many in the earlier stages of such relationships as well. Some people seem to be quite content having a very small circle of friends and an even smaller circle of lovers. The idea of moving from a monogamous mindset to polyamorous is pretty huge. The idea of going from three lovers to four or from four to five – not so huge. I agreed to speed of the slowest when we started this journey and I am so glad the others in my family were willing to slowdown or even temporarily come to a grinding halt when it was me applying the brakes. Now it’s my turn to be patient. Life is ever changing and what comes around, goes around.

I’ll be curious to see what changes occur during my absence for three weeks. Any changes in the working dynamics of the family require adjustments, even when some members are gone temporarily. With the base I’ve built up preparing for this hike, I believe I can transition back into triathlons as soon as we return. It feels good to focus on a different set of life challenges.

~Mr. Big
May 15, 2008

Say What you Mean, Mean What you Say May 9, 2008

As a parent, I’m always looking for effective object lessons for my kids.  You know the ones that speak loudly for you so you have less parental nagging to do.  I’ve run across great object lessons for all kinds of things from peer pressure to maintaining your purity to rethinking unhealthy influences on the gray matter.  But my favorite one by far can be beneficial to children of all ages, not just the ones with logical correlative thinking skills in place.

 

I cannot take credit for this great idea; it was a gift from a teacher when I was in middle school.  Even being told to me at the tender age of 11, I still remember it.  In fact, I delight in sharing this with any other parent who’ll listen.  And in preparation for using this illustration when the message is most powerful, I keep the necessary item on hand at all times.

 

When your child shows that he/she is having a hard time understanding that words can hurt and cause long lasting effects, its time to pull out the toothpaste!  It goes like this:  Have said child stand by a sink, hand over a fresh tube of toothpaste and have the child open the tube and squirt out all the paste into the sink.  Have fun doing this, making comments about how cool it looks or how much fun it is to just slam it out and make messes.  Make sure the tube is completely empty.  Tell the child they have 10 minutes to put all the toothpaste back into that crumpled empty tube.  Set a timer and walk away.

 

When you return you’ll find a humbled child, perhaps emotional at the understanding that the toothpaste cannot possibly be returned pristinely to the tube.  Now, explain that our words are like the toothpaste.  Inside the tube the toothpaste cannot do its job.  Likewise, our words belong to us, but only until we let them come out of out mouth.  Although our words should be intended to be used to build others up, to show them love or appreciation; sometimes we let our words slip out without thinking about how it might affect others.

 

Used incorrectly words can cause hurts that can never be taken away.  And like squirting the paste from the tube, once “out there” you cannot take them back; the damage is done.  Of course there is always room for a heartfelt apology, but words are powerful, they have meaning and purpose.  No heaping amount of “that’s not what I meant” or “I was just teasing” or “I only said that because…” is going to take the sting out of words that originally pierced the heart.

 

This is the type of instruction is best gathered in childhood, but it doesn’t always happen.  Sometimes we miss lessons along the way or ignore them entirely.  The question becomes whether or not we as adults are willing to move outside our comfort zone and disprove the theory that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.

 

None of us are in jeopardy of loosing our personal identity by capturing mannerisms that exhibit respect.  And there is no shame in adopting behaviors that edify those around you.  Our words can be weapons of devastation or the greatest gifts we ever give.  May we all be ever mindful of the messages we send.

 

~the laundry goddess, May 9, 2008