Ok… so here is yet again ANOTHER blog about friend-girls. Well maybe not friend-girls specifically. I think we have a whole new label now, girlfriend.
So first a refresher.
The four of us came together and we agreed on being a closed poly fidelitous quad. In fact when we committed to each other and exchanged rings on New Years Eve solidifying the relationships, the words Big wrote and recited to me promised me fidelity. This I have banked on all along.
For those that have read our blog from beginning to present know that somewhere along the way Big decided he couldn’t be polyamorous unless he could practice “real” polyamory. His definition of real means open, at least emotionally open.
This caused a lot of pain and hurt feelings on my part and Goddess had issues with it as well. Eventually it was explained to us and we came to understand that he was not seeking new lovers. In his words he only wanted other women he could be close to emotionally. To care for, to love as friends, and yet not be physically involved with. Eventually Goddess and I came to accept his need for the now labeled “friend-girls”.
In the realm of friend-girls, they would be email, IM, and phone friends. They would be liked , respected and offered a deep and personal friendship.
O.k… I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. But I accepted it, that was a level I could be comfortable with, I could tease him about his friend-girls and yet know that while they were close in emotional ways there was no physical interaction other than a hug or kiss on the cheek if there was ever an opportunity to meet in person.
Near Easter, Big found a loop hole and he stretched it wide to create a door he felt he could walk thru with no obligation to any previous promises or parameters of relationships set forth.
Out of respect and care for the two people who inadvertently created this loop hole I will expand no further. But I will say when it occurred, Goddess and I both feel that Big saw a stage being set that would work to his advantage and he acted upon it.
All of a sudden and without warning he began to pursue a relationship that unbeknown to us, he intended to take physical. And when confronted he admitted that he was unwilling to practice any sort of fidelity any longer.
Goddess did however ask Big to respect our “speed of the slowest ” clause and to scale back his pursuit giving me/us time to come to a place of possible acceptance.
I did tell him that while I could not promise a change of heart, I would promise to at least try to move towards acceptance. There was no time limit requested or stated.
Big has apparently decided that 3 1/2 months is long enough. And so there are friend-girls and there are now what Goddess and I expect to be full fledged girl-friends. And there is where the problems really begin.
I have never for one single moment been under any illusion about the depth of feeling or lack thereof that Big has for me. He and I walked into this expecting to be friends, to love each other as friends and as lovers. Goddess would always be our hinge point.
I was the one who purposefully let my guard down. I was the one who allowed a weekend away to set my heart free and to open myself up to love him freely and fully.
In fact, Fix urged me to do so, he hoped I would find the depth of feeling with Big that he and Goddess had found with each other.
I admit that I would be amazingly happy if Big developed real feelings of romantic love, if he crossed over to the “in-love” side of things my world would be a much brighter place. But, I am content with his level of care. I do not expect nor demand any more than he can give and I am at ease for the most with my place as secondary in his life.
After a recent evening of intimacy I snuggled against his chest and made a statement referring to my depth of feeling for him. I expected no such declaration back, but what I did get, set me back on my heels a bit. His reply was “ I wish I did love you that way”. Ok.. not to bad, but then it was quickly followed by a sentiment that he hoped he could find that level of love with a future girl-friend.
WHOA…. Ok. Ummmmm wait. I said I love you .. I was told I don’t love you that much AND I hope I can find someone else to love that much ( paraphrasing here).
OUCH OUCH OUCH. Not that there is ever a time or place for such a declaration, but fresh off the heels of making love to someone is definitely NOT the time.
So the stage is now set for my now very poor frame of mind.
Over the course of the next few days talks begin about his renewed interest in additional lovers. Gone are the days of emotional only friend-girls. He wants full fledged romantic, in-love, fully sexual relationships.
When I asked him how he expected me to deal with watching him ride off into the sunset with the newest love of his life, while I settled into my place as the only friend-girl who lived in the same house as him and now not held in the same regard as the new love. He responded that he expected I would be happy for him.
Happy for him … maybe, and only because I love him. Happy for the woman who stepped into the place I dearly want in his heart…doubtful. In fact it brings all manner of emotions and feelings that I can’t even begin to name.
While I could say the bruising and battering that my heart will take is my main reason for my resistance to the full girl-friend thing, I can honestly say no that is secondary, no… probably further down than that.
My biggest and most primary reason is fear. I left the dating game almost 20 years ago.
My mother ran a hospice for AIDS patients that Fix and I were heavily involved in. I have buried more friends and acquaintances than I can count. Over 25 in a 6 month period alone. I have seen a healthy vibrant life ravaged and stamped out in less than a year. My own brother, who has been in a monogamous gay relationship of over 14 years was diagnosed with HIV 8months ago, and now battles that and lymphoma. I know the nasty scaries that are out there. And I want no part off them.
And the argument can be made , what if we become fluid bonded with one of his new girls…. Ok sure. And his girl has another lover and this other lover is less than honest unbeknownst to us. And we go about life thinking we are safe and bonded. And then oops.
No, sorry, NOT a chance I am willing to take.
In between my feelings and my fear of disease lies the feelings of Goddess. I know how she would feel if he took on another lover or lovers. And if for no other reason than the protection of her heart I remain opposed to adding any other lovers.
Friend-girls, while I am not jumping up and down with glee over the idea… you are accepted and in some odd way, welcome in our small square.
To those with designs of romance and intimacy, be very certain you understand there are more than your feelings or his in this equation. There is a family, because really when you take the sex out of it, that is what we are. We are a committed, bonded family of four parents and 10 children, all of whom care about and respect the others as part of our family unit and we are all committed to each other and what we have built, even in trying and difficult times.
Temptress
