Dealing with emotion July 4, 2009

I fell asleep last night once again feeling alone and bereft even though Fix was 6 inches from me. I had spent the better part of the evening trying to get my feelings of anger and resentment under control.

Goddess has taken some very serious steps in her relationship with Big. Steps that has her feeling strong and empowered. She is proud of herself and who she is and I am proud of her as well. Not just for her strength recently but for who she is all around.

She made a few comments yesterday afternoon that led me to understand that while she has taken many steps forward with Big, she is still in a many ways allowing the time he is here in the home to dictate the time she spends with me/us. I was of the mistaken opinion that there would be more we could count on, but it still seems that time spent must still be done in his absence. No sleeping schedule next week until he decides what his plans are…. no time spent in the early morning unless he is leaving early for appointments or excercise. No date this week, home and family have eaten up that time, but he sure as hell is still getting his date Sunday.

It’s ok if life eats into OUR time together, but can always expect exclusive alone time. While we as usual must work around our responsabilities of home and family. She and I, or She and Fix and I can not shut ourselves away for 4+  hours for a private dinner and a movie. We can not set a standing date weekly where it is expected he will monitor the kids in our absence. We can not take hours in the afternoon of private talk time. Every single thing we do MUST be worked around the home and children.

The opportunity to watch a 1 hour Tivo’ed program only happens if we are prepared for it to take 3 hours with NUMEROUS  interuptions. But his time is exclusive, it always has been. I resent that we do not “rank” high enough to be given these same opportunities.

I was told yesterday that he would be leaving very early for a hike this morning and because of that she could come and snuggle in the early morning with us.

I used the expectation of that time together to try to keep my emotions in check last night. And this morning woke at 6 am with an air of expectancy. By 8:30, I got tired fo waiting. It became obvious that he wasn’t going hiking after all and that meant she was were she was “supposed” to be. It is now shortly after 9 and I waffle between wanting to dissolve into tears or throw something.

I am angry as hell at him. He changed, he is the one who doesn’t want this family anymore. The three of us still do, we are still here, we want this. But becasue he changed he feels he gets to have things his way. We will never be anythign more than secondary, we will always come after his needs and wants are filled. And to be honest I am angry a her. Angry  that she is allowing, STILL allowing it to be this way. She tell sme she wants it to be different, but I don’t see it.

He recent actions where she is concerned will make things better for her where there relationship is concerned. Communication paramenters, rules of engagment, and his treatment of her. But I see no changes for us.

She is torn, I see that. She is in the worst place possible, stuck between people who love her. and I understand that she has to make choices and find a blance within herself.

I am a rational being, and i understand all of this….. but it doens’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make me want her less.   I got spoiled. As long as Big and I had a relationship, I was able to be with her. I had to be with him 99% of the time in order to have that time with her but it was ok. Tv time, or talk time or whatever was had while he either joined us or flitted around working or ??? Becasue he was included my time with her was sanctioned.

Now that things are seperate, she has to actually take time “from him” to be with me/us. This is where the trouble all stems from. All he can see is what he doesn’t have when she is with us. BUt he can’t understand what  a lions share he has and what we are missing so that he can have that place with her.

I’m trying very hard to tamp down my expections, and to learn to live with what she can give. I don’t want to be angry or resentful anymore. We get so little time, I would prefer it was spent in peace and happiness.

Temptress

P.S. Once again my anger won. Loving another person can bring our your best and your worst. Lately it seems to be my worst. My resentment has hurt her.  I htink the best I can do is to no longer ask nor expect any thing other than what materializes. Make no plans, create no expectations, just take one moment at a time and be grateful for whatever happens to fall into my lap.

No more terms June 29, 2009

I can’t count the number of time one or more members of our poly household have blogged about hierarchies, fairness, equality, or primary status. In fact I am beginning to see these terms as words I would like to strike from the dictionary.

There was a time when it could be argued that I disliked or misunderstood these terms because I was full, I had what I needed, therefore could not see the point of view from the “quad” member feeling the need of one of these terms.

Now I can say having been on both sides, and sitting now on the side of inequality I still wish these words no longer existed.

For 16 months while Fix lived away from home I spent almost every single night sleeping in the same bed as Goddess and Big. She slept in the middle between us wrapped around me. When Big ended our relationship I felt being in their bed with them was no longer the place for me so I moved back to my room, which in the end was exactly where I needed to be as Fix returned home within  a matter of weeks.

Suddenly I went from being held nightly by the woman I love to finding stolen moments and hoping and praying for any time Big would allow us.

You see Big refuses to sleep alone. So unless he is away on business, Goddess is with him. He demands Primary status, he demands she act in a hierarchical fashion, he demands the lions share of her time or attention. Recently they have had some rather serious problems in their marriage, mostly because of the above listed demands. He feels entitled to these things and feels he isn’t getting them.

If he wasn’t getting the “preferential” treatment he wanted then please tell me why it is he has had her sleeping next to him for the last 11 nights and I haven’t. Why it is he is leaving for 48 hours and upon his return she will again be expected to be by his side each night until he leaves again. It could be 6 days or 6 weeks.. it matters little. She is to be by his side when he is in residence.

Do not misunderstand. It is not sex I am looking for. It is the opportunity to have her eyes and beautiful smile be the last thing I see as I close my eyes, to feel her arms around me as I drift into slumber. It is rolling over at 3 a.m and feeling her warmth next to me. It is opening my eyes as dawn peeks thru the windows to see her sweet face relaxed in sleep.

I suppose I should be grateful that we are still living under the same roof. But I ask myself daily how i can move through our home with her in our daily duties as mothers and homemakers and still miss her terribly. My eyes search her out. I ache to run my hands through her hair, to smell her skin, to hold her to touch her.  She is with me and yet I feel completly alone.

Big would NEVER stand for almost two weeks away from her and yet he expects Fix and I to. He thinks because he is her legal husband and we are “just lovers”, he has the rights to her time and we have what he allows.

I admit to being hurt by his actions towards me. But I am finally  in a place where I can see past that. In fact I think he did me a favor by cutting me loose. But what hurts more is how he demeans what Goddess and I have and what Fix and Goddess have by placing us on “standy-by” status. We are supposed to wait in the wings until he is away, and only then can we have any place with her.

And within all of this turmoil is Goddess herself. Smack in the middle. Trying to balance us all. As much as Big’s actions hurt Fix and I, as much as he is “taking” from us, he has NO idea how he is hurting her and what he has taken from her. Why can’t he see that the more he gives, the more he will get back.

I wish so much we could all just live and love in harmony.

Temptress

In with the new out with the past. June 6, 2009

Fix and I spent our childhood and teen years in a fairly nomadic fashion.  So it came as no surprise that as adults we wanted roots and a permanent home, and yet picking up and moving our family to start over in a new place came fairly easy for us.

Our first two years of marriage found us in 4 different homes in the same area of southern CA. Two more years found us in 2 homes in northern AZ. Then came a move to southwest MI in 1995 where we put down roots and lived happily in the home we eventually bought until August of 2002. This little town in MI is where the 3 oldest kids still consider “home”, where they consider their roots to be and where the majority of their childhood friends, their maternal Grandfather and his entire family and  many fond memories reside.

In 2002 a family vacation to the mouse house in FL brought about an unexpected job opportunity. In the space of 4 weeks our home was packed and our family relocated to the sunshine state. We spent 10 months in a teeny house way to small for our tribe and then moved to a lovely home Fix and I expected we would buy and live in for years to come.

Fast forward 27 months to November of 2005 when we realized that living more than a few minutes away from our loves was to painful to contemplate and the decision to uproot our family again was made. Employment was secured and the move put in motion for the New Year.

I sit here now in the almost unpacked “mommies office” of what is our 5^th house in 3 ½ years since we moved to begin our life as a cohabitating quad. I can honestly say I am exhausted on many levels. Exhaustion aside I feel a euphoria about this move and this house that I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Our move from FL to our 1^st house here was overshadowed by Fix’s breakdown and we only lived there 4 weeks before we moved in with Big and Goddess. The first house we lived in together was Big’s childhood home and while we road the high of NRE, it was always very clear that was Big’s house and he would always have the final say. Our next house was supposed to be “our” house together. Within the first 3 months Fix and I were separated and we found out the person we bought the house from dealt with us unfairly and it was snatched away from us after a valiant 8 month struggle with the bank. Goddess and I felt no attachment to the house once we realized it could be ( and eventually was) taken. The next house, the one we have just vacated, was one Big found just in the nick of time and fit us acceptably. We knew it was temporary and therefore Goddess and I created no attachment there.

This house however is completely different. Goddess and I found this house. She and I structured the deal and with Fix’s help we dealt with the financial issues needed to get us moved in.

Goddess and I and all of the kids spent the better part of May moving small things in, painting, organizing and becoming acquainted with our new house. Fix has taken a week of vacation to help move the heavy things and take on the myriad of fix-it projects he excels at. Together the three of us have turned this house into a home. And a home it is. Fix, Goddess, myself and the children have all said this feels like home and we are all happy and comfortable within these walls and the shelter of the home that has embraced us.

I am certain it has not gone without notice that Big’s presence, nor thoughts on the matter has not been mentioned. This has not been done intentionally, it is an unfortunate fact of our current situation.

During the time of the house finding and negotiation, Big was flat on his back in a fair amount of discomfort dealing with back issues. We had to move quickly, so by the time he was able to move we had already finalized the deal. Couple this with Big working away from home 3-4 days a week and then dealing with work issues here locally once he gets back to town, has left little time for his involvement in this move.

While Fix ,Goddess, myself , and a partial contingent of kids complete this move  during this first week of June, Big and two of our boys are on a 6 day canoe trip with Boy Scouts. Again, his absence is glaring.

He has said that this is “a place to store his stuff”. He has made it clear to the adults he is not comfortable here, and is even less comfortable that this move was made in a fashion that kept our family intact. He had hoped in his heart of hearts that Fix and I would have taken our children and moved out on our own leaving “his” family to him. We are all painfully aware of how he wants things to be. But we are all also aware of the commitments we have made to these kids and amongst the 3 of us now a part of this Triad. Fix and I did not give up after 16 months of seperation, we fought for each other and our marriage. Goddess was by our side the entire time fighting just as hard. We DO NOT take this choice of being together lightly. We don’t give up when it gets hard or uncomfortable. We keep fighting for what we beleive in and what is imoprtant to us.

We presented this lifestyle to our children as a loving and commited choice. We did not bring them together with the intention of tearing them apart. Adult matters aside, we owe them what we promised. And as long as they are happy, and emotionally safe, then this is life we adults continue for their sake. Life is not easy, no one ever promised us it would be. I’m sorry Big struggles now with the commitments made.

It  is my sincere hope that in time he finds peace with this new turn our lives have taken. I feel for him. I understand his bewilderment. And his thoughts of “this isn’t how it is supposed to be”. I feel the same thoughts and emotions, albeit for different reasons.

For me it was supposed to be the 4 of us, we were coupled and were working together for a common goal. My heart is shattered, he has hurt me in a way no other man has. I am healing and finding a peace within. His presence in the same room can at times be tolerable and yet at other times be painfully unbearable. When we are all together in a family fashion such as a day at the pool to celebrate a child’s birthday then my heart weeps for what has been lost.

I wish Big well, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I hope it is worth what is being cast aside and I hope he knows that my love for him was and remains still, sincere and meaningful. I will always love him, but I know now I will never be able to be with him again in any way beyond housemates.  I wish him peace, contentment, and joy in his future relationships and in life.

My heart will always hold you close my love, but my mind releases you and what was and should have been.

Temptress

The Door May 3, 2009

The door is closed
I know she is on the other side,
tears streaming down her cheeks,
hurtful words ringing in her ears, demands placed upon her.
I want to rip the door apart,
take her in my arms,
and shelter her from the pain.

But I can not.
I must sit and let the two deal with their troubles.
I wish so much for it all to be diffierent.
For everyone to be at peace with the others.
For each to travel the path that brings them happiness
and compersion to all.

Why when we are hurt do we strive to hurt those we love?
Why when a different path is chosen do we demand others must follow?

I sit now, watching the clock.
The minutes tick by, the door remains closed,
my mind conjours her face contorted in pain.

I hurt for her.
I love her.

When April 5, 2009

During the entire time Fix was away from home I cried many tears and felt pain and heartache during our difficult times and separation. But somewhere deep in my heart I knew he still loved me and I felt that we would find a way to work it out.
And we did.
Now the pain I feel is unyielding. I feel bereft, cast aside, used, and unwanted. I live in the same house with Big and yet I can not look him in the eye…I avoid it all costs. The pain I feel when my eyes mistakenly lock with his is like no other. I hurt in ways I didn’t think possible and I question daily how I can be so hurt and so angry and yet feel so utterly desolate and crumple into a sobbing heap when I am near him. A mistaken touch when we pass each other in the kitchen or exchange an object is my undoing. I gather my reserves each time I am near him, willing myself to bestrong, sometimes I succeed, others I fail… miserably.
I have two people who do love me and who do want me to be in their lives and accept the love I have to offer them. Why then is this so hard, why can I not just move forward and let him go?
When will the pain stop? When will I make it through a day without tears, without feeling ripped apart?

Temptress

Alone March 15, 2009

This weekend was very odd and stressful for numerous reasons. Goddess and Fix left here just before dinner Friday for a weekend in the big city. Big and I were left to man the house and the kids. This weekend away had been planned for over a month and I was excited for Goddess and Fix to have some time away together, but more than anything for Goddess to have a break from home and hearth and the many stresses she has had weighing on her of late. I was however dreading this weekend for various other reasons. I knew I was going to miss her terribly, I don’t function well away from her because she is so very much a part of me. But more than that I was nervous about how the weekend would unfold.
Once upon a time, a weekend away for Fix and Goddess, meant a weekend for Big and I. I used to look forward to these times when it was just he and I. I will hold in my heart the time when it was the three of us, but as most of you can understand, dyad time is always special. But there would be none of that now. Big and I move thru our days in uncomfortable politeness and silence now. And this weekend was no different. We each holed up in our rooms away from the other, taking turns in dealing with the kids, cooking meals, and the clean up. As evening fell the kids were tucked in, the olders had movies, computers and videos to occupy their time and Big and I retreated behind closed doors to watch separate movies.

 I started mine after a shower and about 15 minutes after Big started his. As I sat there setting up the movie ( subtitles are a prerequisite for Big and movie viewing) I realized there was need for the subtitles, I was alone. And then a thought occurred to me, I should go and ask him to join me. He obviously was interested in the movie I had, we could view it together and not spend a second evening alone where we stayed up until the wee hours trying the shorten the time we lay in our beds alone in the dark each missing our loved one(s). I threw back the blankets and swung my feet over the edge and as I was standing up a thought occurred to me…… Could I sit there in that room, with him next to me on the bed for 2 hours and not cry, not remember, not hurt, not wish it were any way but how it is ? The answer to those questions…. No. Not yet. I’m still to raw I still miss him to much, I still hurt when I see him. I still shed too many tears over him.
So I climbed back into bed and watched my movie alone. Towards the end Goddess and Fix called to wish me goodnight and tuck me in. I know my voice warbled , and was not near as convincingly calm as I tried to make it be. They knew I was lonely, and missing them…. Her. They both offered to cut their weekend short and come home that very minute. No…. they were where they needed to be. In time I would heal and their trips away would be easier…. They were where was best.
Sometime close to 1, there was a tap on my door… Big popped his head in to return a movie. My heart stopped and then seized at the sight of him at my door looking as lonely and bereft as I felt. This weekend wasn’t easy on either of us. He handed me the movie case, and left with a goodnight and I sat behind the freshly closed door praying he couldn’t hear my tearful sniffs.
I continued to watch my movie to it’s conclusion. And then opened my door to hear the kids in case I was needed during the night. I sat with my book, reading off and on for awhile, listening to Big try to sleep. He would snore for awhile and then stop I would hear the rustle of bed and blankets. Shortly after two I thought of Goddess and Fix sleeping soundly and my mind began to drift to other weekends. To other nights when I drifted off to sleep thinking of them and smiling, knowing they were together and I was wrapped in Big’s arms with him and all was right with my world. But my world isn’t right. I was alone and so was he.
If I am to be brutally honest here I will say that the war with myself that I fought for the next hour was the worst I think I have experienced to date. It was without a doubt everything I could do in my power to keep myself in that bed. I wanted so badly to slip in next to him. To not be alone, to be with him, to be near him again. I was afraid if I did it would be taken wrong and something would happen that we both would regret, or nothing would happen and that would be my regret or worse yet.. my need to just be there and be close would be rejected.
I have told him recently that his actions of late have made me feel like a prostitute. In fact I now feel little better than a friend with benefits. I am lower than his friend-girls,at least he cares about them. I was convenient, I was their to fill a need with no emotional bonds.
But that is neither here nor there. The break between us has been difficult for him because he is done me and yet has to endure my continued presence. I on the other hand now must endure living with the man I love as a roommate, and knowing my presence is merely tolerated.
All of that aside, I so desperately wanted to go to him last night. I needed to feel his arms around me, to take comfort from him and feel him there. But that was a poor choice for us both, so in my place I remained and spent the remainder of my night desperately missing 3 of the people I love most in this world.
They say time heals all wounds. I hope this is true.
~Temptress

I miss … February 21, 2009

I miss you…

I miss the early days when my phone would ring 5 or 6 times a day and it would be you.
I miss your late night calls to tuck me in.
I miss the webcam days.
I miss being courted and wooed.
I miss our first weekend away, and our long walk on the beach.

I miss those first few months of living together when it seemed we couldn’t touch enough, or be near enough.
I miss traveling with you. The memories of our busy September I recall fondly. Wednesday in Bristol will always be special.
I miss being your “Sarah”.
I miss knowing I had a place in your life and your heart.

I miss knowing I meant something to you.
I miss your touch.
I miss being near you.
I miss thinking we were building a life together.

I miss the early morning when you would snuggle up behind me after Goddess got up to tend the school time rush.
I miss our later mornings and our later nights.
I miss being your friend.
I miss being your lover.
I miss being your “other”.

There are so many things I miss, but most of all…

I miss you

Butterflies Revisited February 17, 2009

In a blog post some time ago I wrote about turbulence that Big and I were experiencing and the trials with the our marriage that Fix and I were having. In that particular post I wrote that I felt as if our quad were a butterfly and that its   slowly and systematically being pulled off of  it, thereby destroying it.

Around 6 months ago Big and Goddess hit rough patch, and he declared himself not interested in poly anymore, he thought they should be monogomous agian, and pretty much cast me aside. It was a rough few weeks but we weathered it. During that time I came to a place inside where I reconciled our relationship into a compartment where I could keep my heart sheltered. He eventually came around and things were resolved with Goddess for the moment and our relationship resumed.

Now here we are again, except this time, I am fairly certain this is our last time at this rodeo. Big and I danced this dance before and I am now in a place inside my heart and head where my dance card is full. Goddess and I have come to the painful realization that the quad we had once  reveled in , no longer exists. Late last year we came to the conclusion that we were actually two triangles that created an intersected diamond. Now as we look forlornly at the wingless butterfly, the shell of what once was beautiful and is now painful to see, we realize we are all floundering and wondering what direction to turn.

Fix and I are finding level ground. It has taken16 long and emotionally painful months, but the darkness is parting and I am beginning to see the dawn. He and Goddess are taking small steps forward. She is fragile now and he knows that special care is needed to help begin to rebuild their relationship. Goddess and I are clinging to each other as the only anchor the other seems to have. We know what it is we want, we want the family, the four, the life together that our men promised us. And in the rubble we are holding fast to each other as we continue to ride out the aftershocks.

Big has made it known for quit some time that he no longer wishes to be poly-fi. He finds that to be a constricting box. He advised Goddess that  he wanted monogamy or he wa ready to move forward with his desire to date, enjoy the company of friend-girls and eventually have other intimate partners. I have told Big all along that when he chose to take things to a physical point with other women, that our intimate relationship was over.  I have watched to many friends die of AIDS, my own brother is HIV positive, and  am just unwilling to take that risk. Last week after his proclamation to Goddess she came home very upset from their conversation. I climbed his case for  the condition she was in and re-iterated to him  my feelings concerning  my biggest reason for poly-fi. He told me if I felt that way then I might as well just consider that he was taking that step forward and I should act accordingly.

So be it.

What I was apparently mis-informed about, was that a physical relationship was all Big and I had. He has barely spoken to me, and acts as if i am not even here. We are not even roommates, we have no relationship at all. That is what I suppose pains me the most. I still love him very much,  I am deeply in love with him and I had hoped we were more than sex.  How silly of me to think that.

What I have realized I am to him is a nemesis. An excuse, a reason for all things  currently wrong in his marriage. At this point he wants nothing more than for me to turn my back on the promises made, tear apart these children we have turning into family and leave him and his wife to their marriage and never to look back. But I love her to much and I value what she and Fix and I see as the big picture too much. And I stand firmly planted, holding the hand of the woman I adore and promising her to stand with her against this latest hurricane of emotion.

Since she has refused his request of monogamy, Big now moves forward with his plan of full open poly.  I feel pain at this, pain for being cast aside in favor of the new rush, the new friend-girl, the new intimate conquest. But my pain is so much different than hers. Her cuts far deeper than my own.

She feels pain of a completely different kind. She is working from the pain of the past. A time when she begged him to not do that thing that brought them on this path. A time when his needs and desires were more important than her security and the well being of her heart. Once again she see him chasing the high, the new wants and not caring for the hurt he will leave behind.

The pain  I feel will heal, I said in the beginning of this blog that I had moved him into a compartment in readiness for this day. The pain I see in Goddess’s eyes is my undoing. Holding her when she cries, and feeling her pain makes me want to shake this man an ask him what the hell is he thinking. How can he hurt her, how can be so un-feeling for her emotions and that which pains her?

If I thought for a moment that he was looking for love, romance and a commitment of emotion and time I might be supportive of this. But I know, as does Goddess that he is seeking a high,  chasing the  conquest. He thrives on adrenaline and adventure. And for this I feel sorry for him, because really he has everything a man could want, all he really needs to do is look right here at home. But in the end I am afraid he will continue to seek that illusive high and then will come to realize he has lost far more than he will ever find.

I have been accused of only blogging when I am angry and hurt. This was not written in anger, or pain. But rather in loss.  There is no longer an OPL quad….  just the wings of butterflies.

~ Temptress

To What Never Was and Still Could Be January 24, 2009

When the four of us “coupled” over three years ago, we had it all figured out.  We talked so much about roles and expectations I figured there was no way we couldn’t make it happen just the way we’d planned.  We all had it down – who would do what, how we would fill in the gaps, how we would all have more and not less in this arrangement.  This is where I could sight so many clichés about how life rarely becomes what you expect, and how each day is a surprise despite one’s better intentions.

 

But I don’t have designs to wax sentimental or paint rosy pictures about what I hoped our lives would be; I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m currently living in a situation that is so far less than ideal for me – or any of us.   I haven’t posted a lot about what is or is not going on in our family, because apparently sharing thoughts, ideas, and opinions tends to ruffle rooster feathers around here.  But since there isn’t a lot of communication going on anyway, I’m just miserable enough not to care if my words raise the ire.  It’s going to happen whether I cause it or the wind blows sideways, so I might as well voice my opinions.

 

I know none of us are happy about our present circumstance, and I think I’d be safe to say all of us are feeling unsettled and understandably irritable at the lack of resolution to what has been a rocky and ongoing roller coaster ride for the last two years.  I’d even venture to say some days we look further from likely solution than we did when we thought things were unbearable.  I guess it goes to prove you never really know how far you can fall.

 

What bothers me the most is how 95% of what we’re going through could have been avoided somewhere along the line.  It’s a choice for any one of us to keep their mouth shut, to say kind and peaceful words, to follow through with promises, to avoid double standards, to keep a civil tongue, to be proactive on offers or invitations, to remember life isn’t always fair, to take turns, to forgive the past, to focus on what’s important, to be a giver rather than a taker, or to say “I still love you” even when we’re feeling wounded.  Come to think of it, those things could totally reverse our fortune even still.

 

I’d love to wake up one morning to find past hurts forgiven and forgotten; to truly be able to move forward without old mistakes haunting us.  I know that it is possible, but I don’t know if it’s probable.  We’re all carrying a tremendous amount of hurt and a certain amount of guilt.  None of us are innocent here, and no one is any more or less to blame.  We all had parts we played.

 

I had a poly friend once use a fascinating analogy for how poly relationships work.  She said relationships are like balancing on a ball.  When two people are involved, they learn when one person bends, moves, or shifts the other must move in a comparable way.  Over time they learn together to predict the other’s move, and how that change effects what they must do.  With poly, as you add more people, every move or change affects each person in turn.  One person moves, so person two moves, that requires person one and three to move, and that move requires persons two and four to shift, which means person one and three have to readjust, and it goes on forever…  Sooner or later, all four are doing this continual tap dance just trying to find stability.

 

That analogy is a great visual for me.  It mentally reminds me of standing on the bow of my father’s fishing boat as he navigated the wake.  Not only do you have to have your sea legs, but you have to sort of anticipate the wave’s movement and depth.  It can be a fun ride if you’re prepared and experienced, and those are two very large IFs.   Our quad was totally experienced and stable as two sets of two.  But we were TOTALLY ill equipped to be a cohesive four.

 

I think we’re  now stuck in that perpetual tap dance mode.  We’re so busy shifting and adjusting we can’t find our stability.  One person can’t stabilize the ball alone, even two can’t do it.  Even all of us working independently won’t do it.  To repair us, to find our security, it will take all four of us working together at the same time, in the same direction, and with the same understanding.  It will take a lot of effort, and I’m quite afraid we’re all exhausted.

 

We tried for a while, and then one of us would get distracted, or get our feelings hurt, or get frustrated, or let anger build.  Or we would all do those things simultaneously.  Those were “everyone go to your own corner and calm down” moments.  Sooner or later, we’d begin to begin…  again.  The fear I have is that eventually, everyone will quite trying at the same time.  Apathy will set in, or the wounds will be too deep to fathom healing.

 

I cannot and will not speak for the Big, Temptress, or Fix, but from where I stand right now, tonight, I know what I want.  I can see it, I can feel it, I can put it into words.  My opinion is that not all of us want the same thing anymore.  Not all of us think this arrangement fills the gaps or gives us all more.  Our realities have diverged; our attitudes and outlooks have been tainted by heartache.

 

What really keeps me awake at night is how four people with such a common goal and vision come to a place where we feel so far apart.   So what do we do now and how do we proceed from here if any one of my loves cannot accept my reality and I refuse to exist in theirs? 

 

Did I change that much?  Did they?  Did the NRE blind me to certain truths?  Did I sacrifice more than I could live without?  Did I promise more than I could follow through?  I have to determine my own truths again before I can be a part of the bigger whole.  And what am I willing to risk this time to bring it all together again?  And what do I stand to loose if we all stop trying?

 

How does one go from having all the answers to having nothing but questions?  I’m beginning to wonder if that isn’t the most enlightened form of evolution.  “The more I learn the more I realize the less I know.”   I once thought questions brought answers, but I see now that ignorance and arrogance is the most dangerous combination in human existence. 

 

~ the laundry goddess, January 24, 2009

TMI Tuesday #168 January 6, 2009

The “would you rather…” edition

 

Would you rather be stranded on an island alone or with someone you dislike/don’t get along with?

            LG~ That one is really tough for emotional me…  I think with someone I don’t prefer.  But that would be a long and complicated stroll down the neurotransmitters.

            T~ With someone, because I think you could come to an understanding.

 

Would you rather accidently walk in on your parents having sex or have them walk in on you?

            LG~ UGH, neither!  And considering I have no mental recollection of my parents ever being together (divorced since I was 4) I cannot even picture such.

            T~ I’ve walked in on my mother before and it didn’t scar me too badly.  So I guess my parents, ‘cuz I’m pretty sure they don’t do that anymore.

 

Would you rather be snapped by paparazzi during a nipple slip or while exiting a car without any underwear?

            LG~ I think the nipple would be least embarrassing.  I love being naked, but in front of those of my choosing, not the biased mass.

            T~ A nipple slip.

 

Would you rather not have sex for two years or not be able to use the internet for two years?

            LG~ I lived without the internet for more than 2 decades, I think I could handle it for a few years, but boy would I miss the convenience of it…  The answer might be different if the choice was sex or chocolate.

            T~ Oh Jesus!  That’s a tough one…  not be able to use the internet.  (wicked chuckle…)

 

Would you rather find true love or 1 million dollars?

            LG~ ugh, don’t make me answer this from my current perspective!

            T~ True love, of course.  That is a no brainer.

 

Bonus:  If you had to choose *one* sexual position for the rest of your life, what would it be?  Why?

            LG~ Doggie style, with or without variations, hands down my ultimate fav…  WHY?  Depth, carnage, passion, surprise attack…

            T~ Hands and knees, baby, hands and knees…  nothing like having your ass in the air!

Faith of the Heart November 30, 2008

As is our holiday tradition, we began putting up our Christmas/Yule décor on Saturday.  The boxes come out of storage, the trees are purchased, and the entire atmosphere in the house changes.  For those who say “Christmas is for children,” haven’t celebrated in our family, because everyone seems to get caught up in the giddiness of the holidays.

 

Along with the merriment is the onslaught of “I want…” comments fueled by overactive advertisers and the fantasy of the man in red delivering presents.  We talk about Santa, but prefer to call him Father Christmas or speak of that character in the spirit of giving.  Our children are very accustomed to believing in mythical and symbolic creatures because Temptress and I encourage them to do so.

 

In addition to Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, our family also recognizes many other creatures as well.  We sometimes have visits from the House Fairy (for especially clean rooms) – http://housefairy.org – and at times we leave offerings to the Sprites and Brownies in our home, asking for their assistance in locating missing items.  At other times we are prone to ask for our thoughts back, speaking into mid air.  We happily observe photo orbs, amusingly asking which of our ancestors may be with us in spirit in that moment.  And when we moved in, we enlisted the help of mighty guardians (some might call them angels) with the protection of our dwelling.

 

We have raised our children to believe in the things unseen.  The most profound of these beliefs is the choice to acknowledge The Creator, to have daily relationship with our Deity.  And yes, it is a choice.  Faith is the matter of knowing something is real even when you cannot see it or touch it tangibly.

 

We also subscribe to belief in Karma, that what you send into the Universe will revisit you times three.  So call it “reaping what you sow,” but what you are inside, what you believe in travels with you; it speaks of your character, and it makes your heaven or hell right here in this world.

 

Growing up I was taught about the darker characters and the consequences they face.  “The trouble with liars is that they cannot believe in anyone else.”  “The problem with cheating is that you trust nothing is safe.”  “Ugliness comes back on you, so do right, be light.”

 

On Thanksgiving Day our family played a round of Apples to Apples, one of our favorite group games.  The purpose of the game is assigning a noun (person, place, or thing) with a descriptive term (liberty, wealth, freedom, glamour, etc.)  For instance, if the term is “weird” then each person puts in their choice of options from their hand of cards.  In a game of eight players, there might be cards naming “Modern Art,” “Ozzy Osburn,” “My Family,” “Cooking Shows”, or maybe even “chores.”  So who decides what is weird or not?  Each of us do, in turn.  The game is hugely representative of the associations we make in life.

 

There are a lot of ideologies in this world that are not concrete; they are not hard and fast examples.  Who is kind?  Is it the altruistic millionaire?  Or the elderly on fixed income that donates her time to charity?  Do we have to choose?  Or can it be both?  What is freedom?  Is it having the right to burn that very symbol of freedom in protest?  Or is it having the right to marry whom you love, regardless of their gender identity?  Who is a genius?  Einstein, Shakespeare, DaVinci, Bill Gates?  What about the mechanic that figures out that odd buzzing in your HVAC unit?  What about the teacher that touches the creative soul inside a neglected child?  And what is hope?  Is it the one who wishes for financial freedom by playing the lottery?  Or is it the parent who prays over a sick child?  However you define these unspecified notions, it is all based on how one connects with the unseen.

 

There is a great line from The Santa Clause, when young Charlie asks his step father, “Have you ever seen a million dollars? Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean is doesn’t exist.”  And that truth is evident in many areas of adult life.  Everything of worth in our existence hinges on faith; that the sun will rise, that the seasons will change, that we will live through our car ride to work, that our daily purpose is part of a larger picture.

 

I feel sorry for those “show me” types; to whom everything must be proven.  Our life here is uncertain and we have no guarantees.  H2O can be proven, 1+1+1=3 can be proven, even Newton’s Law can be proven.  But how can love be proven?  How can support and encouragement be proven?  They can’t; those qualities can only be recognized by the heart.  And in many cases, you have to want to see them when they aren’t glaringly apparent.

 

I remember well a lesson I learned many years ago, “Just because somebody doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, doesn’t mean they aren’t loving you with everything they have.”  We don’t have any control over how someone else shows us love, all we can do it decide how we will respond.  Sometimes the evidence takes a long time to manifest. Repaying insults with blessings can transform a hardened heart. 

 

Pollyanna had the right idea.  Rainbows and sunshine and random acts of kindness can make a difference.  The world is a better place when we believe in dragons and unicorns.  Our lives are a bit more magical when we expect goodness from all creatures.  And just in case, carry a bit of pixie dust in your pocket.

 

~the laundry goddess, November 30, 2008

Cohabitation Station November 8, 2008

Temptress and I stumbled upon interesting thread in the PolyWeekly forums a few weeks ago.  As we normally do, she sat there reading to me as I fritter unfocused at my desk right beside her.  We discussed the post and its replies before deciding to add a response of our own.

 

You can read the original at http://forum.polyweekly.com/index.php?topic=353.0 or read below the expanded blog worthy revision of our opinions.

 

~~~

Speaking as the female half of a cohabitating quad, we can say this topic has an extremely broad spectrum, and no single post or essay can begin to quantify all the nuances that poly cohabitation brings to the table.  We (from here on referred to as I for simplicity sake) can say, that like everything else in poly, there are no hard and fast rules and it is up to the constituents of each tribe how they go about setting guidelines that work within that home.

 

In our particular case, we did not opt for the incremental path.  We closed our eyes tightly and leapt quite quickly into the poly version of what two monogamous couples being monogamous together might look like.  I akin this choice to the differences between marrying your high school sweetheart at age 17 or living a full life first and then marrying at 35.  Both situations have their pros and cons, and which ever path you choose, you don’t have a lot of perspective on the other.  You just look up and say, “here is where we are, where do we go from here?”

 

I won’t try to dissect or recap our entire three years together (that’s what blog archives are for, right?) but all of us agreed from the start – before we even knew the poly community existed – that the caveat should be “do one relationship right first, when that one is solid, then consider adding more.”  Cohabitation is Life PLUS.  Remember the old commercial with the fried eggs?  “This is you brain, this is your brain on drugs.”  Same with cohabitation – it is not for the weary or faint of heart.

 

It is my opinion, of course, that cohabitation is the “final frontier;” especially so if you have children.  The four adults made a very serious choice reinforced with commitment (in a private ceremony, if you want to call it that; rings and promises were exchanged) and in so doing blended the lives of nine children.  When times are tough and we feel like selfishly making other choices, it is the love that brought us together and the life of these children that call us back to center.  For better or worse, these 9 children are fused into forced sibling-ness and to separate them now would be, in the words of our therapist, “detrimental and utterly devastating.”  They are our anchor to reality and a constant reminder of our original vision.

 

Were we adult singles, we might consider cohabitating more like playing extended house with our current lovers, when we as individuals are free to come and go as we please, needing nothing more than communication, honesty, and a Google calendar.  Our quad doesn’t spend every waking moment together, but we are consciously raising our children with the “village” mentality.  Only by living under the same roof did we feel like we were really life partners, not just weekend playthings.  And that doesn’t mean we feel like cohabitating is “THE” right way, just another option that fit best with our ideals.

 

We are extremely careful about keeping ourselves as much under the radar as possible, seeing as we still live in a conservative area.  That will change at some point in the future (the 3-5 year plan) but for now, we exist to most as “two families sharing residence for financial and child care benefits.”  Some have their suspicions, but we are careful not to confirm that for anyone not poly friendly.  The main thing is making sure we adhere to the residential laws in our county; making sure there are no more than two persons per bedroom and making sure our total numbers jive with the amount of mandatory square footage per occupant.  (For more on that, check your local housing regulations.)

 

I would think how a clan approaches their (potential) cohabitation would be similar to how they approach poly in general.  If you are the quiet and shy individualist, cohabitating is probably not the right answer for you.  Blending people into a tribe is messy – there is more noise, more issues for debate, and yes, more drama.  But there is also more love, more sex (don’t tell we actually admitted that), and more potential for support in the daily task of living.

 

With all the ups and downs our poly life has presented us in the last three years, I oft hear people ask, “Does this really make you happy?  Is this really working out for you?”  And I always, ALWAYS, say yes; without a doubt.  I don’t love the turmoil or the drama or the mental game playing, but life is always going to be messy in some way.  Regardless of the choices you make, there are no pristine and uncomplicated lives out there.  At least in this situation I am surrounded by people who love me and who are dedicated to sticking it out, in good times and bad times.  Regardless of our “mood of the day” the love is there, so I continue to hold on with the hope that we all can learn from our mistakes and evolve into the household we once held up as the ideal for what we each wanted in our lives. 

 

~the laundry goddess, November 8, 2008

The Older Woman November 2, 2008

Feeling every minute of my now 40 years (yes, I just turned the corner this last month) I’m curiously humored by the status of “the older woman” in society.  I stumbled across the below on another blog, and after reading to Temptress these words, I felt it an interesting post.  Enjoy…

Benjamin Franklin’s Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745)

 June 25, 1745

My Dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding2 only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your Affectionate Friend.

Oh, gentlemen, don’t flatter yourself…  Thanks to modern electronics we’re perfectly able to take care of ourselves.  We’re not that grateful.

~ the laundry goddess

Hormonally Hostile November 2, 2008

Why is it a totally rational and acceptable excuse to use a woman’s cycle to ignore her ideas?  If the little woman is irritated, it must be “that time” and if she’s complaining about something, she must be “hormonal.”  Is thinking in this vein even logical in the new millennia?

 

Between the years of 1992 and 2003 I was either pregnant or nursing all but a few short months – five kids @ 40 weeks each, plus a year on average for breastfeeding each child, so you do the math.  During this time I was strongly discouraged to make any decisions or changes in my personal relationships and I was given, IMO, mere lip service on concerns and aggravations.  The reason I was so easily discounted?  You guessed it; hormones.

 

And it wasn’t just the hubby and related males, it was the older generation of women as well that shot me that attitude.  Is it even potentially illogical that for a time of nine years I had absolutely no reason to ire?  I mean really, how frequently does the average American find something in their life that ruffles their feathers?  I’m certain it’s more frequently than once a decade.

 

And why aren’t men considered “hormonal?”  I’ve seen the other half do equally stupid and unthoughtful things due to testosterone.  I’ve read lots of studies sighting how male prisoners have elevated testosterone and other male hormones that “cause” criminal behavior.  And I can say from experience how men will say or do practically anything once they are mid “hunt” in the sexual realm.  It’s all about those quelling those animalistic urges.  Is this the place we mention age old double standards when “men are just being men” and women are being “bitchy?”

 

Ok, so I’m the first to admit I’m a high maintenance woman.  In addition to that, I have some odd ball quirks and OCD tendencies for which I take full responsibility.   I will even go so far as to admit I have an emotional sensitivity to others around me, and my fair share of stereotypical PMS symptoms.  Fine.  But does that mean I am entirely off base and to be disregarded on all points and at all times, or at least all but those magical seven days a month when I’m just so physiologically accepting (due to hormones again, of course) that I’ll put up with anything?  I suppose you’re welcome to your own opinion on that.

 

Now that we’ve established our core beliefs, let’s move on…

 

Given the above has already been wielded in my direction this morning; my level of disgruntlement has only increased in response.  Maybe the fact that for a long time I was much more accepting of bad behavior by others in my life has caused me to now be infinitely less tolerant.  Those once lulled into loose standards do not easily conform to rigidity.  And given my substandard history with important role models of the male variety, lets just say I’m feeling slightly unconvinced that the other half of the gene pool is capable of living up to their inherent potential.

 

I’d love to think the men in my life would rise to the occasion, but there are definitely days when my deeply southern and conservative upbringing that said, “You’re only as valuable as the service(s) you provide,” kicks in and I question not only my self, but the relationship I thought we shared.  Maybe I can break it down this way…

 

I’m not feeling well, I haven’t cooked a meal today, or washed clothes or cleaned the kitchen due to the before reason, I’m not up to hanging out or having fun, and therefore I’m not putting out.  So because I’m not making the effort to be social or affectionate, I am not any potential fun, and thereby unworthy of spending time.  Let us just let all the anxieties out of the closet today, and invite back to haunt me some messages from the childhood.

 

My Father was good at occasions and because of that performed well for major holidays.  My Birthday is in October, Christmas comes in December, and Easter is in early April; but there is nothing special about the months in between (I spent summers with the grandparents), so most years from Easter until my birthday I could generally expect not to see or hear from my father.  What kind of a man goes nearly seven months without nodding in the direction of a person he’s supposed to love and care about?  And do you have any idea of what kind of messages that sends?

 

“The illusion of love at gift giving time is more important than actually being involved the rest of the year.”  Or how about, “no matter how good of a kid you are, the issues I have with your mother are distasteful enough to discount your existence.”  Maybe let’s try a heaping dose of, “You just aren’t important enough to make the effort.”  That one feels good.  It doesn’t matter where the truth lies, it only matters how the child’s heart perceives the abandonment.

 

And in matters of the heart, do we ever really grow up?  I don’t think so.  Our hearts can harden, but the vulnerabilities we have as children follow us into adulthood, always peeking over our shoulder and reminding us those messages we got long ago still are very true today.  Or is that my hormones talking again?

 

~ the laundry goddess, November 2, 2008

And So It Goes… October 24, 2008

It has recently been brought to my attention that our blogging activity has slowed to a sleepy state.  We’re still getting hits from various sources, but our long time devoted readers are expressing some manner of fatigue from what I consider our AWOL position.  There are a lot of days when there just isn’t anything new and exciting from which to create the essay style entries I enjoy posting.  But as in life, not everything, everyday, has to be exciting, right?

 

In addition, and for lack of a better word, there is a lot of, umm… stuff we’re dealing with lately.  Not that we haven’t mentioned it before, but why beat a dead horse?  And no one wants to hear us whine and drivel, so if I’ve said it before, I’m not so much thinking I should post it again.  Maybe a large SSDD post each afternoon would be preferable to nothing new day after day?

 

In our family we’re rowing some very sensitive waters at present.  There are some dyads that need some attention, and some progress we need to achieve before it is truly “safe” to make honest posts about some situations we’re working through.  To be blunt, our life right now is a “let’s just take it one day at a time” situation full of “two steps forward and one step back” scenarios.  On any given day, one person’s unthoughtful quip can send any other person into a downward spiral that can take days to pull out of.  In all actuality, I think we are all raw from the challenges of the last year and right now we feel a general sense of calm with shadows of foreboding.  We just can’t risk perilous opinions drifting into cyber space.

 

The economy sucks, we feel it in our wallets, and see it on the faces of the kids when they ask aloud why we can’t, why we don’t do a lot of the fun things we did several years ago.  Big’s career has taken a different path, and we are once again experiencing those “early formative years” transition when any profit (if there is any) gets utilized quickly for food, utilities, and survival necessities.

 

The kids are knee deep in activities – between school, scouts, dance, drama, color guard, robotics, homework, and friends – my rear is nearly complete in its transformation of molding perfectly to the driver’s seat in the family vehicle.  By the time my stint as family chauffeur is over (15 years down, 15 to go) my ass will look like one of those snap dollies, just click it into place.

 

I’ve been spending a lot of days at my desk, either on the computer or at my sewing machine.  I do a sort of artsy, hippie-styled, easy sew approach to skirts and dresses for the little girls, Jamms (remember those from the 80’s?) in vibrant patterns for Cassanova, and a denim purse/tote bag thing with a flair for saving the lost and lonely jeans of the world.  (perhaps I’ll post a photo??)  But really, what does that have to do with our poly life?  Not a damn thing.  And such are my days.

 

Temptress actually spent about an hour the other day on the phone talking to a representative from a production company who wants to use us, or our story, as the backdrop for a documentary-type look in to a real life poly family in the trenches.  She explained several times that we are partially closeted for the protection of the children in our conservative area.  So for now, no film contracts, only consulting in a non-specific manner.  But its fun to think about…

 

So shall we continue reaching for the less traveled high road, or is the day to day agenda enough reality TV for everyone who wants a daily dose of life in cohabitating polyville?  Come on, cough up the responses… inquiring minds want to know.

 

~ the laundry goddess, October 24, 2008

Polyamory, Polyamorous, Poly Fidelitous, or Just Plain Poly June 18, 2008

I’m not really certain where I am going with this. In recent years it seems as if polyamory has taken on a life of it’s own. In fact it seems to be becoming more and more publicised and talked about. In fact I dare say it isn’t but a few short steps from becoming a “movement”.

Optimistic I know… but think about it. As time passes more and more people will read Heinleins book… the internet, personal websites, and the multitude of blogs about people in poly amorous relationships is growing daily. Piece by piece, bit by bit, we are all becoming interconnected.

A few months ago I was searching the web about a medical condition. One of my search words dropped me into a blog of someone whose writing I found myself enjoying. Her issues with spouse and child I could relate too. She is not poly… but I fell across her and enjoyed her enough to add her to our blog roll.

Now I wonder… how many people searching seemingly everyday words fall across us by mistake. And how many of these people out of curiosity read our blog. And then come back again and again.

And of these people, how many will turn to the significant other or in passing conversation with a friend mention their findings. From there on, there is no telling what may happen or grow from one planted seed.

Just a thought or two to ponder.

 

Temptress

Iam sorry too April 5, 2008

for beleaving you when you said to me at the begaining that thay would never come between us that our marrage would hold strong .for beleaving that what were doing could could fill the empty spots in us so we could be happyer and better with each other …. but all this has done  has pulled you and i ferther apart…. yes you have gotin your spots filled and big and goddess has also  but mine are bigger now then thy have ever been … the new ones are so big i dont know if thy will ever heal.  sorry to be the bad guy……to point out the injust….. to point out the walls…. to point out what good for everone else but not to be for me…..except when alowwed  and given permission……to be the one to leave and to be the one desmiss from whats the only part left to my soul and being … sorry to ask to be part of my family.. the marrage,   the friends.. the quid. and to be part of your missing spots in your all place…. sorry for just needing you and your family …..sorry for not staying calm and quite  when what i say has no meaning to enyone and my presence in a room has no place in your alls conversation..sorry for not just sitting in the corner and let you do  what ever you want….    sorry for saying”  i give you freedom to do this” meaning the quid….. not me…..

I am sorry for you haveing to hold your  true you back for 16 years and never being the true you….sorry for you liveing so injustly that you were so unhappy with the life we had….sorry you feel you need to be protected  all the time and have so meny fears that you dont need me but need  them to do what i could do if i had the permission too … sorry that you dont have the time to show up to our meetings that we have been waiting for for 8 mos..  to try to peace back some of the empty parts ……sorry   FIX  or mybe    BROKEN

My Love April 2, 2008

My selfishness has hurt you.
The pain I see in your eyes haunts me.
I want so very much to fix this, to make it better.
To turn back the clock and have things as they once were.

I know we can never go back to that place.
The place before the hurt.
I want so much to remember the past and go back to it.
You want to forget and move forward.

We both want so much to please the other, and yet our own actions
Hurt the one we love and theirs’ in turn hurt us.
Will we both be able to find a place of peace without losing a part of ourselves or giving up that which is important to us?

I am sorry from the depths of my heart.
Sorry I can not change in the way you need me to,.
Sorry I can not let you go with a glad heart.
And yet wanting so much to hold you close and bring you joy.
I am confused and tangled in my thoughts and in my heart.

I am so very sorry.

I love you.

~Temptress

Pride and Promises February 25, 2008

Over a week ago Fix and I both threw out hurtful words. Hurt , frustration, anger and fear were my catalysts. Jealousy, hurt, and anger were his.
In the blink of an eye we both became people that I did not recognize and that for the better part of our marriage we both swore we would never become if the strength of our marriage waivered.
But there they were, battle lines. Clearly drawn and harshly viewed. And was the battle over…. Our children. The very beings we created in love and professed to care for and protect. They were about to become property to be fought over.

One statement from Fix denouncing the lifestyle I (we) lived and had chosen together, thrown at me in the form of an all out threat had me running for my computer to remove all trace of this life we chose, our poly life together. It was a knee jerk reaction, and one made with the need to protect that which I hold most dear.

Within 48 hours, I deeply regretted all that was said and took a stance of full acceptance and backed down to the majority of Fix’s requests.
As I stood in the window Saturday and watched as our girls loaded into his car fro a weekend at his apt. I felt like my heart was being ripped out. How in the hell had we reached this point?

I have put the website, the forums and the blog, back online. I’ve done this for several reasons…..

1) To show good faith. I have no intention of making our children’s lives a battle ground. I expect no need of the legal system or the courts to decide their fate.

2) I have every hope and expectation that Fix and I will find level ground once again and put or family back together again.

3) If for some terrible unthinkable reason this does go to the courts. I am not ashamed of the lifestyle the four of us chose together. I am willing to stand up and show that our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted. I can not think that having a group of loving parents to watch over and guide them is as awful as some would think.

So while some would call me reckless and out of sound mind to put myself and our life out there when the fate of our children could be in question. I am willing to stand up, hold my head high and show anyone who asks just how wonderful “our poly life” really is.

Temptress

Beware the Beast Within February 1, 2008

Like a wounded animal it strikes

Hungry claws intend to injure or maim

 

Out of fear it propels the toxin called vengeance

Malicious fangs tear at the place where love lives

 

Thinking nothing of anything but itself

Hoping to leave a wound, glad to see its mark

 

Unleashing venom born of bitterness and spite

Recoiling not from remorse, but exhaustion

 

Bloody and torn the heart hardens its defenses

Pushing care and kindness further towards the dark recesses of the soul

 

Brokenness embodies a shallow dwelling

And its name is pain.