Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

Clarity Of Thought

on May 19, 2006

Once in a great while, a man gets to put down his thoughts onto paper with the clarity that can only come from simultaneously having a very full stomach and EXTREMELY empty seminal vessels. At first you feel a bit dazed since you’re not on the hunt for your two basic life necessities. From this vantage point of abundance, I sense that I have pursued some things as if they would run out when that is not even in the realm of possibilities. For instance, did I really need that third plate of food at the Buffet? Do they ever actually run out of food? I may have gotten more food for my money, but did I spend less on food that day because of it? I probably spent more money having to buy bigger pants because of it.

Time is the only limited commodity and all you really control is the current moment of your existence. I remember having such a paradigm shift years ago but seem to have slipped back into limiting thought patterns over the last few years. If I could hold on more loosely to what’s “mine” and imagine what is possible, what can I achieve? How much does worrying about past moments eat away at right now, not to mention the doubts it can create? Does this scarcity mentality create most of the feelings of jealousy I find creeping up on me from time to time? When I feel like I can’t get enough of my spouse, I begin to try to pull her towards me. As I pull on her, she pulls away from me. Of course I feel slighted when she is at the busiest points of her day, week or month. She wants a little time to spend with all three of us and I start operating under the guidelines of the property laws of a toddler where everything is “mine” and I can’t share. Actually I still see Temptress as Fix’s at that point in my mind. When I should be focusing on her (since Goddess is busy), I actually find myself totally ignoring Temptress. Not much good is going to come of the day. I can’t imagine why both girls don’t like me that way.

The women in my life are much more drawn to me when I see life as abundant. If I spend time working on projects that make me feel stronger, I like myself more as well. A little absence should also make their hearts grow fonder. I could even argue that the abundance would increase if I were less available. I wish I could hold on to this attitude on a permanent basis. If only my stomach wasn’t emptying as my vessels were filling.

~B

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