Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

Change of Heart

on May 25, 2006

Sometimes when I sit to write a blog entry I find myself wavering between TMI and not wanting to always paint a rosy picture or skew the reality of our lives in the readers eyes. There are so few resources for a committed poly-fi quad. We at times feel as if we are wading thru a quagmire all alone. So I am in hopes that anything I/we write whether it be happy thoughts, troublesome worries, or angry venting will in some way serve to make a path for others that follow behind us.

Life is not always champagne and roses but 8 days out of 10 it is as close to wine and orchids as you can get. The four of us together are happier than we have been in years. And as the NRE (new relationship energy) wears off and we start to settle into “normal” we begin to feel how truly right this really is.

The events of the last 48 hours have rattled me a bit, but in a good way. I always I thought I knew the meaning of loving someone so much it hurts…but I was wrong. I think the term comes from that feeling as the love you have for someone grows and expands within your heart. That “hurt” is of the sweetest kind…the kind that makes life mean so very much and your world change and expand in an instant.

Mr. Big and I work together. On occasion our work requires an overnight. Generally it is spent dodging co-workers so they don’t suspect we are rooming together. Big and I are becoming adept at hide and seek as well as putting on our “work faces” when we step out from the safety of the closed doors of our hotel rooms and home.

One day per week usually finds Mr. Big making a several hour trek on his own to deal with business holdings in a neighboring state. This week I was invited along. But instead of leaving in the morning and returning at night as was his usual routine a room in a lovely B&B was secured for the evening before, where time could be spent far from the eyes of co-workers and anyone we might possibly know. We arrived as Mr. and Mrs. X, and left the following morning as such… A rather new experience for us.

We had dinner together, made our way to the inn and spent some time by the lake, whereby my first little twitch occurred. Standing on the dock in the tranquility of the shimmering lake water and barely set sun, and no other soul in site except a lark or two, Big pulled me to him for a kiss with a sly grin on his face and said something I have heard him say to Goddess a hundred times, “Hello Mrs. X ” It threw me for a moment, but I recovered quickly and hid it well. I could feel my heart pound as the realization of where we were, our situation and the entire choice of our lifestyle sunk in to my heart and firmly embedded itself there. For that moment, that space in time, I was Mrs. X.

All of sudden and in the blink of an eye I went from poking this choice with a stick… playing “at” this lifestyle… to finally and fully making the realization that the man standing before me and the woman waiting at home with my “legal” spouse were indeed my spouses as well. This was not a fly by night experiment. These 3 people are the loves of my life. They each have a firm hold on my heart and my life.

So in his sweet and half joking manner Big had uttered 3 words that sent the truth of my reality straight to my heart. For a moment I had that “I can’t breath feeling.” You know the one… the one that comes when you realize for the first time how truly deeply you love someone. The one that many mothers can equate to the feeling of having that new baby laid in your arms… that sweet, strangling, overwhelming feeling of pure and honest love. Well there it was… only as these thoughts passed through my mind in that blink of a moment… It was love times 3 that wrapped itself around me.

We retreated into the mosquito free inn in fairly quick order and took some time to check email on our laptops. I took that perfect diversion as time to calm my racing thoughts… Or so I believed. Upon logging on I found the Blog that Goddess had left earlier in the day (Sweet Compersion) and the words that she wrote touched me deeply and echoed much of what I had been feeling on several occasions. Her words coupled with my newly enlightened feelings were really a bit much. I made a fast getaway to our room where I am very sure Mr. Big suspected nothing amiss. I had a short but relieving cry. The good kind of cry… the “I’m so happy I think my heart may explode” sort.

I made a short call to Goddess afterwards… and found myself unable to say what was in my heart and all that I really wanted to say. So I made chit chat and the usual “I was thinking about you” conversation, which seemed to satisfy Goddess as to my reason for the call. Within short order and unaware of the most recent events playing out in my heart and mind……Big joined me in our room. A shower was proposed, to which I happily agreed. A little shower play took place and my already tender and swelling heart was about to be dug into once more.

Big is tender and loving and exciting. Wild and passionate are not words I generally would use…. But he has his own style that does not require wild and passionate to be exciting and at times erotic. Big is also short on words… He uses that silver tongue of his in business, but pillow talk is not usually his style. Most of his words of endearment are generally few and usually saved for Goddess, lest that habit with me cause a slip in public.

That said… when I reached a point in the shower where I thought my knees would give way from his lovemaking he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me against him, tucked me against his shoulder and whispered “ it’s ok Baby, I got you.” Sigh… That was all the prompting I needed. I could see his usual persona has been cast aside for what Goddess refers to as “Vacation Big.” Ok… Melting point 3 for the night, shall we make it 4??

After we retired to the bed Big began a mission… a mission he accomplished in a manner I can only describe as the sweetest of lovemaking lest this were to become an X rated blog. His kisses on my lips were tender and passionate and at one point they changed from what I have become accustomed to as his normal style to one that was enticing and exciting and deeply sensual and yet the gentleness and feeling he put into it touched me deeply in many ways.

Goddess said in her blog she was hoping this get away would give us a chance to “bond.” I can not and will not speak for Big, but I am bonded beyond belief. That night as I watched him slip into sleep I gazed at our fingers intertwined. I would drift off into a light sleep for a few minutes and then my eyes would open….. each time waking to gaze at his sleeping face in wonderment. My mind spent the majority of the night thinking thoughts of my loves, and our “situation”…. And this life we have chosen.

The soft and gentle love I had felt for Big has changed. In the course of an evening, my friend and my lover has become so much more. He has been elevated to husband of my heart. The law will never allow him that place legally and we have in jest and in half seriousness made references to that of “other” husband/wife, etc. But until now they were words… I now feel connected to him in a way I did not ever expect to be.

When we returned home in the late, late hours of the night Goddess was already gone for a weekend get away with friends. That left 2 men alone in their beds… And for once when given that choice my heart felt pulled. The choice was not for sex… it was for simply cuddling up next to a man I loved and sleeping. I couldn’t make that decision nor did I want to. I had no desire to choose one over the other, so I allowed Big to choose for me. With his choice made, I slipped between the sheets of my bed, snuggled next to a sleeping Fix and for the second night in row found myself spending the night gazing at the sleeping form of a man that I loved beyond all imagination.

So now my quandary… Six months ago I stood on a beach, looked Big in the eye and took a leap of faith. I had to admit to him that I loved him when I thought I would not ever really “love” him. After years of feeling that Fix was the only man I would love, I admitted to Big and to myself that he had captured my heart as well. It was a tender sort of love, not an all encompassing love such as I have for Fix.

I have said to Big that I understand his need for the primary relationships status, rather than an “everyone is everyone’s” sort of arrangement. And most times I agree why this is a good thing for our quad. He has said on at least two occasions he feels he is “shorting” me because Goddess holds her place in his heart as primary and no matter his love for me, he will never love anyone (me) in that manner. I am good with this. It is as it should be for him. It is as I expected I too would always feel about Fix or my ability to love another man… and I have voiced this sentiment to Big. As I said, I am very much at ease with the “relationship” we have. By that I mean it is as it should be for what gives him peace of mind and heart. And if he is at peace, then I am happily accepting of his need for “separation” or “elevation” of primary status as it were. However, I can not say that separation exists for me any longer. I love the 3 of them as equals. They each bring me great joy and even greater love. But now, I feel so much more. I can’t begin to describe the feelings running thru my head and my heart.

Big is good at reading me. He has gotten adept at that in fairly short order. He may not always know “what” is up…. But he usually nails that there is something at least. I need for Big to understand that even though my feelings have changed, or rather evolved…. I do not expect his too. I am still very happy with the position with which he has placed our relationship. And I don’t wish for him to feel any pressure because I no longer feel a separation. I want him to carry on status quo and to just continue loving me in the way that feels most comfortable for him.

So now to find the best way to explain this to him… because when confronted I tend to clam up. I find myself tongue tied and unable to coherently say the words that need saying in a manner that is best understandable by the husbandly sorts… 🙂 I suppose I simply need to tell him that yes, I love him, but now I am deeply and irrevocably IN love with him.



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