Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

Faith, Hope And Labels

on June 6, 2006

Ok… the writing of this blog will “out” a situation that may not be readily apparent to those friends and family who know the “truth” of our quad. But after a short 3 minute conversation with Goddess this morning and the knowing of exception that Big took from a movie viewed last night…. I feel I need to make a few things clear.

First… I’ll say it again.. and I’ll stand by it until I die.
I DID NOT GO LOOKING FOR THIS !

I did not wake up one morning and say… “gee I think I’ll go poly today”.
And by the same token…. I did not wake up and decide to be lesbian either.

I despise labels…. Truly they can be harsh and oft times un-necessary. But humans seem to feel the need to label every thing. Lesbian, Gay, Dyke, Fag….. no matter how nice or how crude the word you choose to use is…. They are still labels. And these labels can bring ingrained images and thoughts to the forefront.

We watched Kissing Julie last night…. The premise of the movie was two female friends who ended up rooming together after the breakup of their marriage. Their friendship eventual turns ‘sexual”. Julie’s son is told by a school friend they were seen holding hands and he calls her a “dyke”. The word was used several times in the latter part of the movie and each time I heard it I cringed. I held Goddess’ hand thru the movie thinking how harsh and crude the word was. And as beautiful and loving as our relationship is….. was there going to be a day when one of our children would hurl such nastiness in our direction for loving in such a manner ?? I shudder at the thought. I suppose by the dictionary definition we would be considered “lesbian”. But by our/my definition …. No we don’t consider ourselves as such.

Goddess for years has been my friend. Over the years that friendship has grown from casual acquaintance to “Best Friend”. And then that friendship deepened to more of a sisterhood…a bond formed between us. I believe I could have continued thru life in this status of friendship. But one day…. Something very odd struck me, and that was that I realized I loved her. Not just the love one dear friend has for another. But LOVE…. The kind that takes your breath away.

It is only by the sweetest of blessings that my admission of such feelings to Goddess caused her to look deep and find the same. It could have gone very badly and I could have lost not only love…. But my very dearest friend.

I have always been openly accepting of the homosexual lifestyle. My older brother is gay and he and his partner have been together almost 13 years now. I adore them, and there relationship is strong and stable and loving.

But being accepting and wanting it for yourself are two very different worlds. Being with another woman is not something I have ever considered. In our discussions together Fix had mentioned the idea of two woman and man being a man’s ultimate fantasy. I could see how many men would be excited by this. But being with a woman never interested me.
And if I must be honest…. It still doesn’t.

If fate should tear this quad apart, Fix and I have discussed “what” would happen. And we can both emphatically say… that would be the end. We would not go looking for a third… or another couple. Being with another woman truly is not something I want. We had a beautiful and happy marriage, just the two of us. And if our quad should crumble, we would continue as we began.

Big and Goddess and the relationship the four of us have is a blessing. A gift. How can 4 people who were not looking for this lifestyle find it handed to them. How can two families meld so easily and seamlessly. How can 4 straight laced, heterosexual people ( see the label) find such a love ?? As I said. It was a gift.

When Goddess and I have our quiet times together… I do not view us as Lesbians, nor do I see us as two woman. I see us as two people. People who happen to be in love and are sharing of ourselves in the most trusting and intimate of manners. I do not look at the female form any differently now than I ever have. What Goddess and I have is special… and unique ( at least for us) we don’t flaunt this relationship even to the husbands.

Fix says he “gets” it…. And has even been sweet enough to corral kids and help wrangle time for Goddess and I have a few moments of quiet time.

Big on the other hand I think is more amused, our relationship is more of a novelty to him. Goddess and I have discussed the fact that we don’t’ think he really “gets” what we have or how it is we feel. We could be wrong… and if so … he gets my apology.

So… am I a lesbian ?.. No, I don’t consider myself as such.
Am I bi-sexual ? … No….. I have no desire to be with any other woman.

Am I in love….. Most assuredly YES.

With that issue addressed…. My second point.

Faith.

I spent my Sunday’s as a child seated next to my Grandparents in the Presbyterian church… and on some occasions Baptist as well.
I have heard the hell fire and brimstone screamed at me from the pulpit. But I have also been blessed enough to hear the words given in a more loving and gentle manner. The manner in which I could assume Jesus himself would have used.
I grew up believing in God, Jesus and the everlasting. I found the idea of a heavenly Father watching over us comforting.

But as I aged, I one day asked myself “ what do I believe…. And what have I been TAUGHT to believe”
That question shook me to my very middle. I began a quest to find out what it is I believe. I won’t go into the whole theology of my beliefs…. But I will say I now consider myself an Eclectic Christian.

Armed with my feelings of God, and the power he has given us vs. power over us. I feel at peace spiritually with these new lifestyle choices.
So when asked , “how do you justify this with your faith? ” Easy…. My faith is what allows me to justify it.

Big on the other hand struggles daily with this lifestyle choice and his spiritual beliefs. It is a struggle I see that causes him distress on many occasions. I don’t know what can be said or done to help him come to peace there. All I can do is wait for him to come to peace himself. I think if he had the opportunity to sit and talk with a member of the clergy who is open minded he might find some help. But finding such a jewel is not likely.

And so my ramble for the day is done….. and as we do each day….. I am putting one foot in front of the other and facing each issue and challenge as it presents itself.

Temptress

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