Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

I Have A Dream

on June 21, 2006

I have a dream…. Or is it an expectation?

I was told once that dreams are useful for creating vision in the direction you want to go. But in order to see that vision become a reality, you must make it an expectation.

So I hover in my dream state, wondering if creating expectations will lead to disaster rather than reality.

In my perfect dream like poly world there is equal time between all of the interwoven relationships of our quad.

In my dream if one of our quad feels the desire to slip softly into the bed of two who are otherwise occupied.. then that person may do so without the fourth taking issue.
Or better yet, they both feel the desire to join and do so.

In my dream there is no need for one of our members to feel torn between the choice of whom to spend the evening with. We can move amongst each other with the same freedom a couple 2 can.

In my dream little green monsters do not exist.

In my dream there is no mine or yours……. just ours.

In my dream the amount of time I desire to spend with my spice is reciprocated.

In my dream I am not a fill in…. but rather and equal.

In my dream…. My spice is not overwhelmed with an average 4X per month swap ratio.

In my dream my spice has come to peace with the choice made.

In my dream quiet moments with my spice is spent in gentle conversation or sweet intimacy, not wiping tears ,smoothing hurts and combating fears from a situation with their spouse.

In my dream love is all that really matters.

And so…. Do I hold fast to these dreams? Or do I make them expectations.
Do I say to my 3 counterparts… THIS is how I expect it to be. And work towards those expectations.
Or do I continue to paddle along this chosen river… looking behind myself wondering if my spice is still barely afloat behind me…. Or has the choice been made again to step out of the water and sit on the shore for awhile.
I do wish I could move past the feeling of uncertainty. I question now.. what are we doing… is it worth it ? I can no longer imagine my life without all of my loves in it and yet the turmoil I see in my spice’s eyes and the amount of struggle I observe makes me question…. am I selfish. Should I throw up my hands in surrender. Of late the pain I see both of my spice’s struggling with as they work through this quagmire of our making… almost hurts more than I feel I have a right to put them thru.
Love is not the issue with us…. Is has not been from the beginning. Commitment is not the issue.
Then what IS the issue you may ask…. Well in all honesty…. I truly wish we knew.



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