Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

In and Out

on June 26, 2006

In our modern world of preached “tolerance” I’m constantly amazed at the double standards that still exist.  How a person can say one thing and then act in a different way confounds my logic.  Yet, in society we still must deal with the repercussions of living an alternate lifestyle. 

As many of you might know, Temptress and I met within a group of ten women, all pregnant and due to deliver babies near the beginning of the new millennia.  Happily, those friendships grew past our bulging bellies and once the babies had all arrived safely, nine of us remained friends and in (almost) daily contact for many years. 

One of the main things that always impressed me about this group of women is how regardless of our pasts, our differences, our unique lifestyles, what seemed to hold us together was our love for our families.  Many issues and challenges had arisen over the years that were overlooked in the name of maintaining friendships.  We shared our lives with each other and at one time I would have considered most any of those ladies closer than family. 

After some discussion, Temptress and I decided it was time to “come out” to this group and let the cards fall as they may.  It had come to a place where we felt to continue being a part of the group without sharing the truth of our new living arrangement would be living a lie.  She and I talked about content and then I drafted what I considered to be a reasonably thought out and carefully worded letter.  We didn’t expect everyone to be in our corner, but the backlash we received was, to be honest, shockingly hurtful. 

From our group of seven friends, we had one already openly living a poly lifestyle, two gals willing to “accept without approving” and four that felt like our admission was free license to hurl all manner of insults and accusations in our direction.  Now without laying any blame in the direction of organized religion, all four of our stone throwers were self proclaimed highly religious (even though their behavior didn’t always synch with their stated values).  It was the ability they had to point at one standard and tell us that we are not measuring up.  We are wrong.  We are doing damage to the families they felt we had been so dedicated to raising “correctly.” 

Now most of that dialogue I could have anticipated.  What shocked me was the admittance by most all of them that they suspected or had sensed something was different; that they almost had come to our conclusion for themselves.  So I ask you this…  Why is it okay for them to continue being friends with us when they suspected and we stayed quiet, but not okay for them to be friends with us (yes, the four of them suspended contact over this) once we admitted the truth.  Was it just too much for them to take?  Are we too out of the ordinary?  Too far from their standards of righteous living?  They have apparently enjoyed their rose colored glasses and choose not to take them off. 

I would like to think that will be the end of this issue, but we all know we’ll possibly encounter these same rebuttals with every group of people we choose to tell.  I wonder what this means to all those people we have considered friends over the years.  I hope that in time our society will embrace those teachings of tolerance and diversity without feeling like we’ve given over completely to anarchy. 

When do we go from living our own lives to trying to direct the lives of others?  When are our rights to live as we choose infringing on the rights of others to live as they choose?  When are our standards in such conflict with those around us that not only avoiding the truth, but in some instances hiding in fear of negative consequences, is an preferable way to live to those who just don’t want to know the gory particulars of our “deviant” lifestyle? 

We don’t march down the street waving any poly banners, and we don’t post any graphic detail of our love lives.  All I want is for those people who knew me “before” to comprehend I’m that same person, regardless of who I love or how. 

~Goddess, 6-26-06

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