Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

Past, Present And Future

on July 4, 2006

Sometimes I wonder where the line of privacy is…. What is to much to share in this blog.
I would love to tell our readers that our recent trip was wonderful, truly magically and we all enjoyed it immensely.

In honesty I can say all those things. But I have to add that it was scary, emotional, hurtful and cathartic all the same.
Fix and I have had a lot if problems to work out between ourselves that were not caused by the blending of our families…. But rather were brought to light by it.
Also… fighting is never something we have done. It is a rare occurrence for us, so because of this we do it poorly.
In fact it becomes war… this kind may be bloodless, but just as painful all the same. One of us will say something, the other will take it poorly and hurl a retort and then the gloves come off. Fix has said to me on several occasions “ I don’t feel you really hear me unless your hurting and raw” Now I know this makes him sound terrible, but in all manners of truth he is kind and gentle and loving to me…. Except when we fight and I am not so nice in that manner either.

Over the last 15 years he has had demons from his past to fight. Demons that he felt unable to share with me because of fear that I would think less of him. Or because certain demons he felt would cause me pain to know of.

It became quickly apparent that Goddess and Fix were magically in tune with each other… she in her non-judgmental, neutral manner was able to draw him out and over these last months as he has healed and learned to deal with his depression and post traumatic stress, she has become his sounding board.

This is where trouble begins.

I feel like a petulant child who stamps her feet and demands to be heard.
I have slung these sentences at him in recent days….

“We have been married for 15 years and you have hidden from me, you don’t talk to me.”
“I am your wife…. Why can’t you share with me.”
“Why can you talk to her ( Goddess) and not me”

Given my love for Goddess, feeling any sort of jealous emotion in her direction is repugnant to me. The only emotion I ever want to direct to her is love. But sometimes….

Well, you get the picture.

Fix and I spent a 24 hour period of our eagerly anticipated vacation hurling painfull barbs at each other. Tearing each other down and generally wounding each other deeply.
We do not fight well because we have never learned how.. we never thought you fought in a specific way. With the gentle guidance of both Big and Goddess we walked thru the fire and have come out the other side. I won’t say we are unscathed, but we are wiser. I think we both have a better understanding of what is needed by the other. I have made a personal commitment to try to temper my tongue and hold my sarcasm in check. To understand that even though he may not be able to share with me at that moment… at least he has someone we love and trust that he can turn to.

Overall I am committed to learning a new way to deal with conflict because it really is too painful to fight in this manner. And not just for ourselves…. But for Big and Goddess to witness it.
Big is a superb negotiator, he can explain my emotions to me and help me see things I may overlooked or was to mad to really want to see.
Goddess does this job just as well….. but this is where things have turned sticky for me.

Over the last 7 years Goddess has been my best friend, my sounding board. The one I could tell me deepest feelings to. I could vent about my husband, kids, whatever I needed to. And I could always count on her to be level headed and to offer advice in the form of choices…. She would never tell me what to do, or what she would do.. but rather pose questions in a manner that would cause me to see the options on my own.

I came to a stunning and very painful realization this last week I feel like something has been lost.

After an emotional day between Fix and myself, I left the hotel room without telling anyone I was leaving. Big of course takes offense to my occasional need for a fast getaway to clear my head. He located me via cell phone rather quickly and he and Goddess soon joined me and we stopped for a light dinner. As I sat there and sobbed in Big’s arms , he and Goddess conversed about “the situation” over my head.
With his words and calm wisdom I was able to things as I needed to. Goddess on the other hand, in her need to stay neutral went back to the room.
After Big and I returned to our hotel rooms, I was prepared to make peace with Fix… instead in my desire to be non confrontational , and Fixes need to clear the air clashed.
I wanted to call a truce, he wanted to talk… neither got what we wanted. Instead we got war… war that went on for hours in a manner really to painful to describe.
In the light of day, peace and a new understanding for what we each needed had been reached.
Fix and I were at peace… and ready to move forward with thenastiness behind us.

But a new pain had surfaced. A feeling of loss swept across me. Goddess will always be my best friend, and I can always count her to remain neutral in any given situation.
But now…. Now the story is different. I can no longer vent about MY husband. He is OUR husband… I can not say that $%#^&** did this or said that. At least I don’t feel in fairness to her I can. He is now our husband and asking her take sides is unfair of me.
And so now…. In the sharing of our lives and loves much has been gained, but a teeny piece has been lost.
Goddess is still my very best friend. And I would sooner cut my tongue out than cause her a moments pain. And so with that said we find a neutral place to rest in the manners of the game of he said , she said and move forward in new ways.

Amazing how love can be so beautiful and tender. And yet bring such pain at times.

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