Our Poly Life

Our life as a Polyamorous Quad, with 10 kids.

Ghost

on August 8, 2011

I pause for a moment as I see her ghost float past. I stop and wonder, “ Is this it? Is this what we are now?” I say ghost because she seems to have lost her corporeal being. She slips thru my fingers like fine mist . I feel as if I am forever wanting to hold her tight and yet she slips away. Always, just out of reach.

We have reached that companionable rut that many couples accidently find.  I don’t think our relationship was built on intimacy, but the lack of it is certainly giving me pause to consider things.

It seems with the men now gone from our lives, so has the intimacy.  Of course they are not to blame, it is just a timely coincidence because with their departure our way of life completely changed.

Before we ended our time as Stay at home moms, we had the days where the children were gone at school and the men or man in residence was away at work. These were wonderful times when we could be free to love each other in the most intimate of ways with no thought of anything or anyone else.  It’s not that we were together everyday, a few times a week at most. Occasionally a week would go by without having found the time to be together just us, but rarely more.

Now of course we have the same time constraints of every other couple. Work, children, stress, home life…. It all closes in around us and eeks away any possible time. Now it can be weeks at a time before we are to have a few, what feels like, “stolen” moments.

It has always been known by my partners that I have a fairly decent sex drive. Or had. I guess maybe that has withered away as well because it isn’t the sex or the orgasm I seek, it is the intimacy, it is that one connection that seems to meld our hearts above and beyond our bodies. I want to lose myself in her, it has nothing to do with my pleasure or “release” ,it’s all about being a party to hers. Its about the connection.

Maybe I am giving all of the outside distractions to much credit, maybe it isn’t that at all. We have the strangest of relationships after all, in the fact that we love each other, we fell in love with each other, but we are not Lesbian or Bi, so maybe ( and I could be reaching here), just maybe it isn’t all of those “other” things. Maybe it is because I’m just not the gender that she needs on that level.

I say she because I need her, I crave her, my soul absolutely cries out for her on a daily basis. I have jumped into this new life with both feet. I don’t care what label people want to use to describe us and this new version of our family. Bi, lesbian, weird… whatever. This is my life and my family and if asked I am not in the least uncomfortable to share it.

She holds back. She says she isn’t concerned about others reactions, but time and again I see her hesitating, waffling, offering a “safe” version.  She says it is because,” its no ones business”, or its not her place ” to rock someone’s world”, or “I just didn’t feel they needed to know.” All very valid reasons, but they begin over time to sound like excuses.

She is very wrapped up in how she is seen by others, what they think, or how they perceive her to be. Her high school reunion is coming up soon. She has refused to contact the reunion committee or to even consider attending. I’ve gotten several excuses. And I do know one of them is valid, she doesn’t want to be seen at her size. Ok I get that on a basic level. But also I’m certain she doesn’t want to have to go explain the dissolution of 20 yrs of marriage and possibly get cornered about her new life.  There might be questions she is un-prepared to answer.

But I have digressed…. So many evenings I see her struggling past 8pm to keep her eyes open long enough to see the kids off to bed. Now that her overtime has kicked in and she rises at 5 am, there is no way on earth I will ask a late night of her. She is just not a night time girl, never has been. Friday nights are of course the worst, she is practically a zombie and the youngsters are usually up later than usual and wanting “ Mommy time”… the same holds true for Saturday evening.

Our mornings of course….. well she is up at 5, showered, dressed, made-up to leave by 5:45-6. No time there.  Saturday and Sunday mornings ? Well, that’s about it.

For a short while Saturdays were THE day, but it began to feel scheduled and then the kids started to get smart to the closed door and if their pacing outside of it did not get the desired effect, then they let the dogs from their crates so they could jump and whine at the door. Effectively dousing any hint of mood that might have existed. It’s a little hard to tell them to back off because we are intimacy deprived. And so I grit my teeth, and swing my feet from the bed declaring the day to have begun… sigh.

 So often now it is just “easier” to not even start what I know won’t be finished. And will instead leave me angry and resentful of the pulls on our time. Invariably of course my anger always turns and heads directly at my perceived  primary cause every single time. Maybe one day I can get past blaming him for every ill in our life, but currently that’s not the case. So no matter what has halted things I will guarantee I can trace it back to what I consider to be the “root.”

She asks why she needs to instigate, why she needs to be the aggressor? Aggressor… what a funny word for her. Aggression is not something she does. So I smile each time she uses that word. I have told her time and again, I have watched her acquiesce to the wishes of the men when they showed interest and she had none. She is a great actress there, and I don’t ever want to be part of the play. And so because of that, I need to know she is interested, because SHE is, and not because I asked. I have said a 1000 times over, crook your finger and I am there.

Each night as we turn off the lights and wrap our arms around each other I feel comforted and loved…. And yet I feel empty and sad. Is it me, am I wanting to much, am I asking more of her than I should. As her arms stretch across my back her fingers begin a slow and rhythmic pattern and I can feel the heat coming from them that threatens to burn me… it spreads to every area of my body. I struggle to keep my breathing even and to hold back the tears that I know will come.

She makes no further advances and neither do I. And in a matter of moments I hear the soft breaths that tell me she is asleep.

Goddess how I miss her.

There are a precious few days her company has as scheduled off days, and even fewer of those coincide with days the kids are in school. I find myself looking at the calendar and thinking “ Hey, September has a day and look, there is another one in December, and one more in February. ”  I feel a tingle of hope flare as I look towards that one day, weeks into the future with expectancy. And then I realize, once again there is that word EXPECT, we have once again scheduled time together.

But not to worry, fate will step in. And the night before one of the kids will come to us with a malady of sorts. And I will lay awake all night preparing myself for the inevitable and sure enough, when 6am rolls around and we slip into the rooms to wake the children for school, that little forehead will be the one burning with fever. And I will feel the tears threaten as I see the day dissolve in front of my eyes. Days, weeks of hopeful… wait for it… EXPECTANCY, gone in a blink.

I don’t blame the child….. but I feel a pain inside as another little piece of time with her slips away.

When we are lucky enough to actually get a day, I begin to wonder if as time passes if these will be the only days we find, or will this part of our relationship just slip away over time and leave us in a loving and companionable existence where intimacy is no longer a part of life we share.

Or worse yet, she decides she needs more, or needs normal? And I of course will not be able to fill that bill.

I pass the bathroom mirror and take a good hard look at what I see reflected there. Maybe she isn’t the ghost I see. Maybe I am.

~T

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One response to “Ghost

  1. Hi Temptress,

    I am so sorry about your pain. You are not a ghost and neither is the Laundry Goddess.Still, the loving relationship that you two enjoyed in the past is fading away and slipping thru your fingers fast. I believe that you can regain perspective. Have you stayed in touch with the poly friendly counselor? (Will your insurance pay for visits?) please do all that you can to “schedule” build in time for you two to be together without kids and the house or any other interruptions. Too many loving relationships fall through the cracks because of lack of care.
    In the past you two used to enjoy short trips together and so many other things and I know that the love that you share is still alive and strong. You just need to talk it out and communicate about how to regain the time for the love making.
    I believe in your love and your passion and I know that all loving sentient beings are with you all in your journey. I pray that you find the strength and courage to love in spite of socio-cultural hate.
    Take good care.

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